My girlfriend (38f) and I (44m) have been together for over a decade, and I love her very much. However, communication and intimacy issues have me questioning my sanity and our relationship.
Our sex life tanked about 6-7 years ago after she had a period of illness, and has been getting increasingly worse over time. Now, I feel as if she is disinterested at best, and disgusted by me at worst. I was quite heavy for a few years due to my own health issues, but have since returned to a healthy weight. However, baring a very few incidents of what seemed to be genuine interest, every time we’ve had sex it was either a holiday, or the day following us talking about a lack of intimacy. She claims that it isn’t me (I can count the number of times she has touched my penis in the last 3 years on one hand), but rather she’s lost all sexual interest in general and doesn’t even masturbate anymore. More significantly, touching, cuddling and kissing have all slowed or stopped as well. I can understand not wanting sex if there is no desire, but losing all closeness makes me feel like a roommate.
Recently, she tried to initiated sex the day after we talked about a lack of intimacy, and I declined because I felt like it was a trap, and I was being manipulated. The only thing worse than no sex is duty sex. It was the first time that I had no erectile response to her being nude and trying to initiate things. We talked (well, I did) and asked that if she did initiate things that it was only out of genuine interest and not an attempt to check some box, or try and shut me up (which she admitted was her intention).
Since Valentine’s Day has made up a significant proportion of my sexual encounters in the last few years (as well as the last time we were intimate, a year before) I was stressed as to how I would deal with either an offer, or lack of offer (sometimes I think there are situations where you can’t win). When she went to bed early, I was almost relieved. The next day I wasn’t feeling well, but the night after that she initiated. Things started out great and I was very excited until I had the following thought “this seems to be going well, maybe next year you’ll be able to do it again” at which point my erection went away, never to return. Touching her felt nice, but foreign, and like I was doing something wrong. I told her it felt like I was going 100 miles in one direction and then expected to go full speed in the reverse. I was not comfortable being sexual with her because in my head she doesn’t want to be touched (at least by me).
I will mention that the previous sex free year she decided that it was imperative to have surgery so that we couldn’t have kids. I was fairly certain abstinence and my penis being several feet away from her at all times was sufficient birth control, but it was a major priority for her and she’s been thrilled “not having to worry anymore.”
I’ve obviously reached a point where my insecurities are leading me to mistrust her, and I don’t know if there is a positive path forward.
If you were to ask her to choose between: 1) I proactively bring up issues with my partner and discuss all angles with them, or 2) I deescalate issues, and then work behind the scenes to get my way, she would choose number 2 instantly. Any confrontation or perceived difference of opinion is immediately reduced by agreeing to what she thinks is my position, and then manipulating circumstances towards her desired outcome. This is the reason that I haven’t asked her to marry me despite wanting to spend my life with her.
I trust her with my life, and she is the only person I could picture asking to help me hide a body. But I can’t trust her insistence that everything is fine and there are no issues, when I know there are. When she doesn’t choose to be honest with me about her true feelings and chooses lying, manipulation, and unilateral decision making over discussions and decisions together, I get frustrated and hurt. I feel I deserve the truth, even if it might be negative.
I feel emotionally and physically distant, and right now don’t feel like I can trust what she says unless it’s negative, which is not the direction I want our relationship to go.
To add to my insecurities, she is doing everything that they say are signs of cheating: showers when she gets home (where before that was extremely rare); extra work and scheduled events with friends and family I’m not invited to, but that take up 1-2 of her 3 days off; changes in wardrobe and appearance (she wore makeup for the first time in ~5 years), and has told me about all of the upcoming weekends that she’ll be doing things with or for family and not me.
And then, most significantly a few days ago she started making excuses about “maybe staying over in a hotel near work if she got out too late, since we live 15 minutes away and she had to be in early the next morning so why not make her life easier” which evolved to “there is a coming winter storm and it won’t be safe to drive.” Which brings us to tonight, where she got out at the incredibly late hour of 8:30 and decided it was safer to stay there since weather was so bad. There is a small layer of ice on the road, but nothing prohibitive for travel, and nothing that she hasn’t faced at least a dozen times in the last month and a half.
Everything could be perfectly innocuous, but I don’t have a lot of confidence in us or our relationship at the moment. If she is cheating, I’d rather know, and know now.
Do I snoop? What would I look for? Is there a way forward or am I delusional and overly hopeful?
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**tl;dr**: I need advice on how to either trust her, or bust her cheating, and I am equally at a loss as to how to do both.
12 comments
Ask her what hotel she is staying at and then drive over and knock on the door and you will know really quick if she is cheating or not…. Go right now!
She wants to pay for and stay in a hotel alone to save 15 minutes? Sorry, but she is up to no good, mentally or physically.
Sincere question. Do you think she’s the kind of person who would cheat on you and lied to your face?
Yeah you pack her shit and end it. Why screw around and beat around the bush, dump her and move on….
While I absolutely don’t condone cheating, I have to say that you don’t make this sound like a particularly worthwhile relationship for either of you. So maybe it’s for the best that she’s pulling away, so that you can end things and move on to a relationship you actually feel good about instead of spinning your wheels in this misery.
I mean, you really are putting her and yourself in a lose-lose situation here. No sexual intimacy, which you claim to want, but then you are so anxious and unhappy with her that you don’t actually want it. Whether or not she’s cheating, it’s obvious that trust has been broken and there’s no romance there for you guys if you’re feeling like a roommate.
I’d say that it could be cheating, or it could be that she’s just considering leaving you. None of us can actually give you a definitive answer on that because we aren’t her and we aren’t there to witness it. We can only speculate, like you are.
Either way, y’all are playing weird games with each other instead of just admitting that neither of you are happy with each other.
U ask what hotel then u go there and find her and her coworker
The writing is in the wall. Stop rationalizing (coming from someone who excels in rationalizing). Confront her.
The writing is in the wall. Stop rationalizing (coming from someone who excels in rationalizing). Confront her.
Yes she’s cheating. No kids, not married, it’s time to end it.
You aren’t married and don’t have kids, which means divorce/separation isn’t a big issue. If it were me, I’d probably do a little investigating first. My money is on there being someone else. Someone she likes but won’t take care of the things that you will. Her phone, a VAR, a GPS or a PI might help you to get the truth, but if you’re that unhappy, you don’t need proof of anything. If you don’t have any, she’s definitely going to lie to friends and family about it though. If you confront without evidence, she’s going to lie to you. You know that’s how she is. If you gather evidence first, you can ask her questions and see how well it matches up with what you know. Don’t reveal what you know or how you know it, or she’ll just confess to what she thinks you already know.
95 percent shes got something going on with another guy, probably from her work. stake out the hotel and watch them arrive and depart. Grab her phone and read the messages. Its the only way youre going to find out, since shes clearly not being honest with you.
She is obviously cheating. I don’t even know if I would call it cheating. She is already gone, just hasn’t figured out how to move out yet.