Ever since I was a kid, I have had trouble making friends. I was and still am a very quiet person around large groups and people I don’t know. It also doesn’t help that I tend to not be smiley or emote much facially or when talking. I have often times been scolded at work for not smiling enough and looking too serious. I brought up to my mom the idea of me having ASD. She thinks that I am just shy and once I put myself out there things will fall into place. Maybe she is right, but idk. I do know I am pretty closed off and need to work on that. I will say that alot of times I feel like I can only be myself at home around family. When I go out in public its like I have a mask on, idk how to explain it any better.
Another aspect or pattern I have noticed about myself is that I usually keep one close friend at a time. And once we transition out of where we met( for example school), the friendship dwindles. From elementary to high school I had one close friend who I’d actually hang out with outside of school. It also helped that their mom and my mom became friends. When I got to college the friendship became distant. The summer of my second year I wanted to hang out. We made plans and they kept pushing it back or inviting other people( I did not mind this, I actually wanted his other friends to come). Eventually he stopped responding and I got the message. We haven’t spoken since then and this was about 6 yrs ago (we’re both 24 now). There was no big argument we just stopped. I have never asked him what happened, even though it hurt alot then. It bothers me now and again, but not as much.
I did have alot of what I would call surface level friendships in elementary- high school. We would talk and joke at school in general, but never outside of it. I even kind of fell into a group. I would talk to this group everyday in high school. After graduation I rarely spoke to any of them. It was like I could never breach into true friendship. There were other people who would talk to me as well. People did think I was funny, but even still we just never became real friends. I even remember one girl saying I should be voted funniest, but I was like you know damn well not many people know me like that.
In college I got to do a summer program and it was so interesting to watch how quickly groups formed. I literally could never understand how friendships were formed in a matter of weeks.
Me and another girl were on the outside of these two groups.No one was mean to us though. Even just thinking back I think others wanted to hang out, but I never picked up on it.This girl became my only close friend in college. We would hang out often and get lunch and talk. We graduated 3 yrs ago and we catch up from time to time by text. Currently I have not texted her in a while.Again just like in high school, there were also people who I’d say hi and talk a little with. They also thought I was funny as well.Other than hanging out with my friend, I didn’t have the average college experience of having a group of friends to do stuff with.
Right now I am in a slump. I have been job hunting for a while with nothing to show for it. I feel embarrassed as I literally have nothing positive regarding my life to talk about. Which is why I haven’t been texting my college friend. Before I had to leave my previous job, I only felt bad about not having much or any friends on occasion. Losing my job has just exacerbated these negative feelings. A thought that crosses my mind more often now is how I feel so forgettable. It’s like I leave no impression. Alot of times my mind will run on an old classmate or co-worker.Then I’ll think too myself, they probably don’t even remember me. I have always wondered if something is wrong with me.Right now I’m not looking for friends as my self esteem is the lowest it’s ever been due to being jobless. Sometimes I am even ok with staying in the house all day. I don’t drink or go clubbing so I dont feel I’m missing out on that. I remember my last job it was a group of people all around my age. They had all been working together some for months and some for weeks. It amazed me how they talked so freely with each other. Like they had known each other for mad long. We all went out to a bar after work once and I was so uncomfortable. I just wanted to go home so badly. I also feels like this ties back into my job hunt as I don’t know how to form connections in general, yet alone network. I did notice that me and some other co- workers would get to work early. I’d talk more openly when it was just a couple of us. Once the whole group came I became dead silent.
Other days I wish I had people to go to a movie or travel with. I fear once I land a job and get my money up, it will be super hard to find people and form friendships.I hear alot of people saying that someone having no friends is a red flag. I understand why people think this way, but hearing this makes me feel like I have no chance. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to vent.
1 comment
You feel forgettable, you don’t connect, you are quiet, you don’t smile much, you don’t ’emote much.’
That’s the run-down of the problems that I’ve gleaned from your story. And basically the solution is contained within that problem list.
People literally connect based on positive emotion. What I like to call Social Energy. That’s ALSO what makes you memorable, relatable, appealing to other people. A smile is necessary for a number of reasons. It tells people you’re interested in the conversation, that you like them, that you’re happy to be there, that you’re engaged in the interaction.
So can that be fixed if you’re not naturally smiley? I would argue YES, it can. And incidentally I’m NOT talking about walking around with a huge meaningless grin on your face 24/7. It starts with something I call “A Hint of a Smile.” You put a slight smile on your face, and be sure to include your EYES. You have to feel your eyes going along with that smile. (they crinkle slightly) PRACTICE this at home, set your phone alarm to once or twice an hour to remind yourself. BONUS: this little habit will also improve your mood and give you more energy.
When you go out to be with other people, at first meeting/greeting when you make eye contact light up a BIG smile and greet them with some enthusiasm. (warmth/energy) Then as you talk drop back to the hint of a smile (which can also be used WHILE speaking). If you forget, notice them and if they’re smiling. They probably are!
This is all a matter of forming better habits. Tell your brain to get organized and help you on this important project! Treat it like a physical exercise you need to do for health. Award yourself some prizes for getting better at this. You won’t be sorry!