So, a little bit of backstory: I am a senior college student in my last semester of college living with 3 of my sorority sisters. We lived together in our chapter house our sophomore and junior year. We also are part of the same pledge class (about 6 girls in total). Howbeit, I spend a lot of time at my boyfriends apartment, and it feels like they are disliking me because of it? I met my boyfriend November of 2021 and I have always spent more time at his place as he is 25, I am 21, he did not really like going to the chapter house which was totally understandable to me. He would still go sometimes though. One of my roommates admitted to me the other month that she had hoped I was okay when I had spent all my time there. But, that makes me question why she did not ask me when it was happening if I were okay? I was, but it was the principle for me. This friend also particularly tells me my job does not make enough money as a bartender, but it is my college job and I do like working there. She also repeats the same conversations all the time? For example, I will see her in the living room and she will ask me what I’m doing that night, which is nothing because it is a Thursday night and I would prefer to smoke inside with my boyfriend instead of blacking out at our college bars. She talks in a way that it seems like she wants to make me feel bad for not going although I genuinely would not have had a good time there because the last time the four of us hung out together I had planned it and they had just talked over me the entire time. Anyways, I heard my roommates in the kitchen the other day say that I have not been working a lot, and they always reach out to me first, and it’s “WEIRD.” One of them said I had not been working a lot but I worked last Wednesday Thursday and Friday with her? For context, the bar is only open Wednesday-Saturday. I also have not been working a lot because my grandpa and a close friend of mine who also was a coworker passed away suddenly at the end of January and I have never had anyone close to me ever pass away in my life. They know about this through liking my obituary link on Facebook. They also said since my parents pay my rent, that I can afford to not work. Weird really hurt my feelings because sometimes I do feel weird compared to others. Anyways, the things they said were not true. Should I confront them about this? I’m an introvert so it would be hard for me especially since the three of them are confrontational. I feel like they would just end up attacking me so I chose peace and after I heard them talking about me I angrily said bye and left for my boyfriends apartment. The next day, yesterday, my roommate I talked about in the beginning did not say hi to each other when we saw each other in the house we just looked at each other and she left the house probably to go to her boyfriends house since it was around 6pm. Moreover, sometimes when I work until 1am I stay at my house overnight instead of my boyfriends which is like once or twice a month. That roommate in the beginning if I see her the next morning will always ask if I had stayed at our house last night. Do I have a right to be mad about this, and should I tell her that it bothers me when she asks this? The way she says it makes me think that she anticipated my boyfriend and I had a fight so that is why I stayed at our house. I would appreciate any advice on this. I have been distancing myself and I have all a’s right now and have been exercising everyday smoking everyday which are something I love. Also when my boyfriend got me a clear bong for Christmas that I picked out, that beginning roommate said wouldn’t it be hard to keep clean, but it’s mine so like why does it matter? It’s little things like this that have slowly pushed me away. Especially since I always have to reach out first even though they said it’s always them in the kitchen but they do not even try, I am an introvert and have had the worst January. I do not know whether to acknowledge these issues or not because it is so awkward in our house. I feel fine about the distance but it is really hostile. They do not make me feel good when we hangout so I stopped asking. They had an inside joke between the three of them said in the group message the other day also and I did not respond. Was I supposed to? Other times I am blatantly ignored by them in the group message.
3 comments
Ok well, I can see two potential possibilities here. (I mean, probably there are lots but you know I’ll just lay out two).
1: You are just growing apart from them, and that is a difficult thing when people still live together. People do tend to change over time, but if you are living with friends that change can create even more hurt feelings and animosity. Plus, often there just ends up being a bad guy in any given group, like it’s a natural function of humanity. You might be getting more trouble than you deserve because of that. Ultimately, it might be more healthy to find a new place to stay to give the friendships room to breathe.
2: On the other hand, maybe they are right and there is some reason to be concerned. It sounds like you used to be fairly social and close with them, and now you avoid them in a big way and spend all your time alone with this guy getting stoned. I’d be worried too if this was a friend of mine. You mentioned that they should know you had a death in your family by your Facebook page, but that is actually kind of a concerningly anti-social way to expect friends you live with to find that out.
Or I could be way off base with both, hard to say.
I’m familiar with the scenario that someone others expect to be involved with college/sorority life (you) is instead totally involved with the boyfriend and checked out of what the others are doing.
There is nothing wrong with that, it’s your choice to make. (I would argue that college life/friends/sorority sisters are an absolutely UNIQUE and valuable time of your life that will NOT be replicated elsewhere.) Whereas boyfriends come and go, and eventually life becomes all about your partner anyway, so why rush that when you have so much else to experience?
But be that as it may, it’s STILL your choice to make, and if you prefer hanging out with the boyfriend, nothing wrong with that.
However there’s no point in being surprised that your friends/sorority sisters are basically writing you off. When people are really unavailable, instead of beating that dead horse sometimes those other people will simply move on, or make the occasional sad statement “wish we were seeing more of you” or whatever.
Yes they are feeling rejected by you. Probably you could split your time better, but you have to do what feels right to you. You could make an effort to really PLUG IN to your friends and make the most of your final semester with some true college experiences, but if you don’t want to do that then you don’t have to.
Anyway, all of the above explains your friends’ behavior. They’re feeling rejected and blaming you for it.
Nobody’s really in the wrong here. You’ve just made different choices.
I appreciate the responses because I really am trying to figure out where I went wrong. These people are not necessarily who I am now, but they resemble a lot of how I used to be my freshman and sophomore years of college. I just don’t see the fun in the same things they do, and when we do end up hanging out I’m miserable because everything is so forced. But, I don’t understand why it has to be hostile and why we can’t just go our separate ways in life while also saying hi to each other whenever we see one another in the house. Just because we don’t hangout does not mean we can’t be civil. I just got tired of initiating hangouts and eventually they stopped texting me (and be civil to me in the house). I went to an all girls high school too where I never met a mean girl. I only started to experience this in my sorority. A girl I happened to be really close with in my sorority cut contact with me randomly one day and never acknowledged what had went wrong in our friendship. About 2 months later It was her birthday and I sent her a text and she responded and we ended up going back and fourth the next week over text and she basically told me I was selfish so she did not want to surround herself with someone like me. This is something I subconsciously think about all the time before I speak. I particularly never want to be selfish, but then this leads me with nothing to talk about. Then I feel like if I don’t talk that everyone hates me. My boyfriend is particularly quiet too, and he thinks I’m overthinking everything. I am a big over thinker though. For example, he was not invited to a party last night by any of his friends and he told me he wasn’t bothered but I know that would bother me. However, we also have different circumstances. I live with my three sorority sisters; he lives alone and he’s post graduate school now so he doesn’t really go to his fraternity parties anymore since he’s an alum unless I go because those boys are my friends too. They also never want to connect with my boyfriend and it hurts my feelings they assume he’s this evil guy who I just get stoned with everyday. One girl I live with is dating a boy in my boyfriends fraternity and our boyfriends are good friends. I’m also closer to her boyfriend since I hangout with those boys more, as it’s more fun for me and I’m actually included. I never reject hanging out with them, they just exclude me or never make plans for the four of us. I gave up making plans for the four of us cause it was only me doing it. They are so skeptical about my boyfriend when all that fraternity acts the same anyways, and they are all good boys. Mine just happens to be a little older and quieter than the rest because he’s 25. We are all around 20-23, and he is over college. I don’t mind this since I’m a quieter person too. I just wish I didn’t get so much shit for being so quiet, but then when I try to talk I’m shut down.