27f. For context, I’ve been 100% single for the last year after my previous boyfriend of 5 years passed away unexpectedly. I dipped my toe into online dating and matched with a 29m who was cute. The first date was pretty good, we had coffee and walked around, I thought we might have chemistry so I agreed to a second date. I had some misgivings I ignored though, like he mostly just talked about himself and brushed off the things I said about myself, though I partially chalked that up to me not being very forthcoming. He also told me on the first date this was the most genuine connection he’d had in a long time, that he was only pursuing me now, and how his love language was physical touch and kept thanking me for letting him hold my hand etc. He was very touchy which I didn’t reciprocate but thought I might enjoy later, idk.
The second date was only two days later which I thought was fast but he came over to my apartment with food he’d cooked for me, which I thought was really sweet. But he also brought expensive bagged tea since on the first date we discovered we both liked tea. I thought this was a really nice gift until he said it was a “partially selfish gift because he planned on coming over all the time to share it”.
The entire date he was touching me in awkward ways, when I said things about myself he usually just responded after by gazing at me and saying how beautiful I am, how excited he was about our future. Wanting to furniture shop with me, etc. We watched TV on the couch and he had his arms around me in such a way he kept rubbing the same spot on my leg until it started to get raw…He stared at the side of my face the entire time I was trying to watch the show. It got late and he asked if I was getting tired, I said yes and that I needed to go to sleep, he said “I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable but you’re going to have to tell me when you want me to go because I plan on being here as much as possible.”
I guess I’m not in the strong place mentally I thought I was because I never told this guy to back off until the next morning, when he wanted to see me again tomorrow. I said I didn’t see us together and he sent a long text saying he was devastated, he saw us long term, I’d been exactly what he was looking for, on and on. He wanted feedback about what he did wrong but I didn’t know what to say because his strong emotions just floored me, although I said sure we could be friends because he was begging for that. Then I stopped responding and he sent four more texts over the next 24 hours asking me to hang out again. In one of them he said he had to stop replying to me (even though I was done texting him) because “he had to go take a run to workout and keep level” as if he was going to cap off or something, which scared me.
I feel completely invaded and floored by this experience. I feel like I’m getting my sea legs finally after a year processing my partner’s death but I still have a lot going on in my mind and this jarred me up so bad, I’ve had nightmares about this guy and a week later sat for an hour crying away the negative experience, the tears just rolling and it was awful. I realize I shouldn’t have agreed to a date at my apartment or even seen him a second time but I guess mentally my head isn’t where it needs to be to weather these sorts of dating experiences. Thanks for reading.
5 comments
Well, you did string him on for a very long time
Condolences for your BF.
You haven’t had the battle hardened experience of a hundred shitty dates by the time you get to your age. Experience will come with time.
You just have to be more forceful in setting your boundaries. If the guy says physical touch is his love language ON THE FIRST DATE, jettison that fool. Never invite a man into your home until you’re ready to sleep with him. Know where the block button is. You sent him a Dear John text. He only gets to reply once and then blocked. Why are you letting him keep on texting you? You’re done with him.
I think you’ve done really well to note all of these crazy warning signs. especially for someone just getting back into dating. Seriously, good job.
The fact that he SHOWED he wasn’t really interested in getting to know you yet still had big plans for your future already? How could anyone who is reasonable, feel that way about someone they don’t even know yet!?
Yeah, second date at your place was a bad idea, lesson learned. Don’t beat yourself up about it. But learn from it and move on. It’s not necessarily because your head isn’t where it should have been, maybe it’s because you just don’t have a ton of recent dating, or maybe overall dating experience?
Bad experiences like this are unfortunately a reality of dating, sorry you had it. But keep your head up and try again when you are ready! You got this!
That’s a really hard and challenging experience, both the date and your boyfriend. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I wouldn’t fault yourself for things too much (specifically referring to the date here). You were a bit inexperienced from dating due to being out of the game for a bit.
The first date had some good things going on, so you pursued further — this is reasonable.
You definitely know about the issues with date #2, don’t invite a guy over or let him know where you live for a while. The touching thing, that’s a really hard spot to be in, you feel trapped and this guy is basically all over you. I think good communication is important, but I know that’s such a hard spot to be in. People get scared how the other person will react if they say no.
I realize a lot of dating experts say stuff like, “You must initiate physical touch on the date, try to escalate or else she will reject you” etc. I’ve never felt comfortable with that because we are strangers initially. I like the friendly hug greeting, and the hug goodbye (maybe a light kiss if the woman was more aggressive towards me on the date and obviously very keen on me). I’ve had plenty of second dates+ without doing that stuff, and it’s what I prefer as I’m still getting to know someone.
Overall, I agree with the other poster, good job on taking mental notes of the red flags and signs for future situations. I don’t think dates are usually that bad? So, it seems really unfortunate you had to experience a bad one like that.
It’s probably not a great idea to take a man home on the second date. Save that for the fourth or fifth date, maybe.
As for him asking what went wrong, I think that you should tell him to the best of your ability. He probably won’t find out himself unless you tell him. He might get upset, but don’t feel like you have to make him happy. You can block him if he gets super bent out of shape over it.