TLDR: My bf (M34) is absolutely useless at checking his phone and calling or texting me (F30) back.
We live and mostly wfh together so it’s not a big deal in terms of him not giving me emotional attention, but it’s just deeply impractical as whether its letting him know my plans have changed, asking him to pick something up on the way home, or finding out when he’ll be back so I know if we’re eating together, he is 70% of the time unreachable.
It’s not a trust issue, I’m not trying to ‘check up on him’ and he never accuses me of doing so, it’s just a practicality and safety thing. I’m currently pregnant and it feels more important than ever that I should be able to reach him quickly in an emergency and know he’s got my message.
I don’t expect him to be glued to his phone but I ask that he quickly checks if he has a message every hour or so, but he basically seems to only check his messages at the end of the day/or a night out when he is already on his way home, rather than at regular intervals. (He carries his phone on him all day long so he literally just needs to glance down at it occasionally).
This has been going on for years and I even remind him before he goes out please check your phone and keep in touch because I’m likely to need to contact you today, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Soooo often he comes home and only once he’s through the door does he notice a message for example asking if I should eat dinner without him or if he’ll be home soon etc. It’s infuriating.
He also has a terrible habit of texting me a question like ‘i get out around 6, do you want to meet for dinner near me’, I reply back immediately, and then he just doesn’t confirm the plan for hours even when it’s time sensitive. Like who asks a question and isn’t checking for the reply?
How do I make this man just check his phone. It is isn’t that he ignores replying to texts he has seen, it’s the lack of checking in the first place that drives me up the wall.
6 comments
You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. He knows this is a problem, you’ve discussed it multiple times, he clearly has no interest in making the effort because he doesn’t care that it bothers you. Do with that what you will.
Is he more responsive to phone calls, as opposed to texts? A text is a lot easier to forget to check, especially if it’s on vibrate or silent.
If he leaves his ringer on loud, can you just call him for these things?
There are two things you need to do. The first, is to tell him straight up he’s being rude and unreliable. If he treated his friends or coworkers this way, there would be consequences to his relationships and to his work. It’s not cool. Checking a few times a day, if your activities allow it, is a normal expectation in 2023.
The second thing is to manage your own expectations accordingly, and decline to be held hostage by this behavior. Stop asking. Start telling. Draw clear boundaries and set expectations. It will feel cruel, but it’s actually really important to help you avoid disappointment and resentment towards him and how he is treating you.
* “I’d love to have dinner with you! IF you confirm before X time. If I don’t hear back from you, I’m going to continue with my own plans.”
* “If I don’t hear from I will be prepared to eat alone at 5 pm.”
In the end, you cannot fix this for him. You can tell him that you are disappointed and hurt, and that he needs to fix it to keep the relationship healthy, and full of trust and mutual consideration. You can change your reactions to make it so his poor behaviour has a negative impact on his life as well, and not just yours. After you do that, he needs to recognize it is important to change this habit and be willing to build a better one.
You may also consider asking him straight up if it would be better if you just *phoned* him. Like in the olden time, but it seems like it wouldn’t be, and he just wouldn’t pick up.
Have you talked to him about this? If so, how does he react? If you have not had a calm, rational discussion about this, then you’re expecting him to know that this bothers you without being informed.
And if you’ve just yelled / ranted about it to him, chances are it’s gone in one ear and out the other. Again, go for the calm discussion.
And try asking him if there’s a means of communication he’d prefer. He might like email better than text / voice calls, for example.
You brought it up, he did nothing. It’s like he got complacent and takes you for granted.
Tell him that you will break up if he doesn’t shape up, and that change needs to stick.
Start ignoring his texts or match his rate of response. Follow his lead and stop stressing about it. If you are always quick to respond, he knows what you think want and then doesn’t communicate back. Don’t make it easy for him and let him put the work in to do the logistics or communicate.