I have a question, because i’m not sure what to think of my situation. Tl;Dr at the bottom
Me and my SO have been together for almost 6 years, and we have a 2yo kid.
Our relationship has been a bit rough, but we’ve stayed together because we do love each other.
Most of the relationship has been with very little sex. Shortly after we got together my SO put on a lot of weight, and didn’t feel comfortable with me seeing her. Sex happend rarely (once a month tops) with a blowjob maybe 1-2 times a year.
I have a medium to High sex drive, which i ended up “turning off” completely as a survival strategy, after enduring many rejections.
To get to the point, we were at a communication program for couples, and we both realized we want to be more affectionate and intimate, and we have had sex a couple of times the last two weeks, which is a huge improvement.
I talked to her about BJ’s, because to me, it’s not about domination or anything, it’s something she does completely unselfish, for me, which makes me feel loved. She is willing to do something like that, just because i like it a lot.
But her response was “i don’t know, the thought of a penis in my mouth is not really something i want, and turns me off. I guess it’s i’ve changed with age. I can’t say if you’re gonna get any BJ’s or not, let’s focus on just learning to have sex again”
Of course i see her point, and having sex with no BJ’s is better than no sex.
But something in that statement really hurt me. She knows what a BJ is to me, but for some reason that isn’t important to her, or Atleast not enough for her to do something, that doesn’t turn her on. I just know i would do almost anything to please her (sexually).
Am i overreacting? Is she being mean? I’m really confused, and could use some perspective.
If you made it this far, Thank you for reading through my BJ ramblings.
Tl;Dr: Girlfriend said the don’t know if i’ll ever get a BJ again, because after getting older, she doesn’t like the thought of it. And that statement really hurt me.
Edit: just to be clear, i don’t want her to do things she doesn’t want to do, and i would never ever try to make her. I just don’t understand how she can be se dismissive about something that is really important to me, and that we have practiced in the past.
7 comments
Generally our approach on this sub to situations like this is – person A asks for something, person B says no and puts up a boundary. End of story. From then on its up to person A to decide if the thing is a dealbreaker.
That being said, you two are at the beginning of your journey of repairing your sex life. There could be hope that as therapy helps you mend your communication around sex, things might improve in this department. I say be patient a while longer.
Do you reciprocate at all? Do you go down on her?
>let’s focus on just learning to have sex again”
Thos is a damn good response, focus on this, and maybe the passion will come back.
I think she’s telling at the moment that even the thought of it is awful for her.
I think you ought to thank her for her honesty and tell her you need to share some feelings you’re having with the goal of receiving empathy and compassion from her.
Then tell her how much the oral sex she has given you in the past means to you. How loved you felt. How accepted and wanted you felt. Then, tell her hearing how she feels about it breaks your heart and saddens you. That you’re feeling grief at the loss and shame that any part of your body makes her feel that way. That you felt like you’re just gross hearing her description.
Start there. Leave the rest out of it. Don’t push for her to do more.
If you’re feeling really brave, ask her outright. “Is my penis gross?” “Do I gross you out?”
Be ready to listen and bring your genuine curiosity to your listening.
I suspect there’s some deep culturally ingrained sex negativity underlying some of this.
I also believe you being so nakedly vulnerable will get past her defense mechanisms. I believe she knows what it is to feel gross and it’s why she wasn’t comfortable with the weight.
An empathetic and compassionate connection is the way back IMHO.
BTW, simple trick to increase cuddling, etc. Set the boundary that there will be nothing sexual, even if she begs. That you are prioritizing cuddling until further notice. I suspect she will find relief and more willingness. The more cuddling, the more connection. Make a decision together that the two of you will verbally negotiate well ahead of time anything of sexual nature. Without the worry, I suspect you’ll feel ans see her anxieties lower.
I hope you find your way back to each other soon.
Your SO expressed truthfully and honestly to you her feelings, and you consider her mean? What a weird take. She’s not being dismissive, she literally told you her answer at this time. How about focusing on the issues surrounding your relationship first and Improving your actual sex life instead of solely focusing on and pushing this issue.
Bro wth.
All I got to say is it prob won’t get better. Hope into the dead bedroom sub. Those people are like a decade or 2 into no sex. No one is happy.
To answer ur edit: it’s because she got everything she wanted from the relationship. The married and kids etc etc but needs are no longer important in her eyes.
Time to move on and find somebody new…
I don’t understand why people stay in sexually incompatible relationships……. Or even continue them. Sex is so important