TLDR: Me and J have known one another for about 4 years now, been together for 2. No one is at fault, but i just feel we arent compatable anymore. How to gently break this?
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More detail and context about why this is difficult:
J is a relentlessly miserable person and it makes them exhausting to be around. But it often feels that they get some sort of sick satisfaction or self pitying pleasure from their own misery. Like misery porn. They complain a lot and lament about how horrible their life is and how unlovable they are and while i want to offer comfort on these matters i know that nothing i say is heard or believed. I feel ive ended up in this lose-lose situation in which they are exhausting and impossible to reassure, but any lack of attempt on my part serves as evidence to their mind of how unlovable they are and terrible life is. Everything i do, or dont do, somehow becomes a reflection on them. Its exhausting.
Furthermore, i truly dont belive this relationship falling apart is anyones fault. Its as simple as not seeing eye to eye anymore. I belive J needs serious help for a complex set of problems they are not yet ready to confront, and i have become tired of shouldering the responsibility of their emotional state. I dont enjoy their company anymore, because it always feels too much like babysitting or damage control, but they cannot help that they are in a phase of their life in which that kind of support is needed.
Im specifically looking for help on how to say this. Any shadow of doubt or percieved criticism will be used an ammunition to fuel their self hatred, prove that their misery is justified, and maybe even make a villain of me. I want to be clear the breakup is non negotiable and that there is no salvaging a relationship in which we have grown so differently. But despite all the stress they have always been good to me and before we ever dated we were good friends: i want to break this off whilst making it clear that no one is at fault and i hold no grudge or resentment. How on earth do i do this gently?
1 comment
There are no magic words that make breakups not suck. But you do want to get your message across without blaming or inviting the other person into a fight over who did what wrong to whom.
Maybe something like “Jay, we’ve known each other and been together for a long time. Because of our history, this is not a conclusion that came easy to me. But for many months now, our relationship has not been working, and I decided that I need for us to break up.”
After that, the trick is not to let yourself get dragged into long conversations about why and what went wrong or try to talk you into staying.
Replies should be short, but not justifying or blaming.
“Im sorry if I hurt you. That was not my intent. I need to do this for myself, and maybe someday we can discuss it. But right now, I just need some space to process this alone.”