One year ago we had a baby. For the first 6 months, he did little domestic work and it all fell on me. When I brought it up, he would reply with something like “it’s just dishes maaaan” and nothing would change.
I took on almost all the domestic work while also working full time. I had to schedule my day to the minute and get up at 5am to do it all. This lead to me eventually having a mental breakdown in public. Still nothing changed, and I kept doing everything to be a “good girlfriend”.
When baby was six month old, I found out BF was messaging an ex-gf about how amazing she was, they had a special connection he’s never had with anyone else, they even talked about doing shrooms together. He’s never said anything like that to me.
His excuse was that he couldn’t talk to me about things like literature or spirituality or current events. Well duh, I was too busy doing everything to read books or news articles!
I told him that for him to stay, he needed to contribute equally and no more talking with other women. And to his credit, he has improved.
However, something broke in me. I feel like he made a huge mockery of me – that I busted my butt to the point of a breakdown to give him a nice life, and instead of appreciating it, he pursued another woman who could talk about psychedelics with him. I’m the boring mom with a saggy belly who nags him, she’s the special one who “gets him”.
So to me, there’s zero point in doing any domestic work. I care for my child, I do the work I feel like doing, but I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. He’s picked up the slack and now does probably 70% of the domestic work.
He’s started complaining, and it enrages me. I respond with “it’s just dishes maaaaan” or “now you know how I felt”. I enjoy watching him struggle the same way I did so that he knows how I felt.
How do I move past this? I wish I could forgive and move on but I get re-triggered every time he complains.
tl;dr BF stopped doing any domestic work for months. Now I’ve stopped and he’s upset he has to do more, but I can’t get over the glee of watching him struggle like I did.
49 comments
What does this relationship give you?
While I understand your frustration, it’s particularly childish to throw back his behaviour when he is improving.
If you’ve checked out, then check out entirely and break up. You owe it to all 3 of you to be with someone who makes you happy and feels like a real partner.
Why would you want to move past this? He doesn’t pull his weight and cheats on you. Leave so that your kid can grow up with a happy home. It’s very damaging for kids to grow up in a loveless or resentful household, even if you think you hide it well.
I don’t think I’d be able to move past it until he apologized and stopped complaining about having to do housework, and you two find an equality that works for both of you.
No way there weren’t signs and issues prior to having the baby, but having the kid has made everything glare in a worse light.
Anyway, the most important thing now is that a child doesn’t grow up in a toxic household of two people together out of spite. Do I think his behavior sucked? Yeah, but an age-gap older guy in his 40s who thinks shrooms will give him insight into the universe & is some literati spiritual enlightened bleh blah told you more than you needed in the first place. You still chose to have a child with him.
2 choices: work on the marriage- separate and together counseling. Set some ground rules, get past the bitterness, check your own health (mental hormonal etc) or option 2: split. Don’t make your kid grow up in a loveless home with two parents resenting & biting at each other.
It’s too big and resentful to move past on your own, you two need professional help. That way all this resentment can come out in a controlled environment
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Why…would you want to fix this?
Is this something you want to fix or change? Because the way you wrote this… it doesn’t sound like it.
It sounds like you both hate each other and probably should’ve had a pretty big conversation about expectations before bringing a child into the world. Now you both get to hate each other and drag another life into both your bullshit. You’re both at fault here and exhibit attitudes that frankly aren’t suitable for parenthood. So, the choice is going to couple’s counselling and both of you grow up, or you can break up. Honestly, your post title is a giant red flag.
you and your baby would veryyy likely be more peaceful and happier on your own. he’s getting a taste of his own medicine right now and he doesn’t like it. don’t sell yourself short!! you sound like a great mom and hard worker, anyone would be appreciative and happy to have you. many moms get married to awesome guys that aren’t their babies father. this guy doesn’t deserve you!!! your resentment knows it
You both have issues you are not going to work past that tic for tac BS. You can’t resolve conflict and definitely can’t communicate. Couples counseling ASAP!!!!!
Go to therapy and couples therapy. He is a shitty bf, but that resentment is still terribly unhealthy to have for your relationship. As well, he is a terrible bf with his own issues. If this is a relationship you want to fight for (and idk why it is, you both don’t seem to love eachother and relationships are more unhealthy for the kids when the parents are unhappy than if they were to split.) therapy is the only way to fix things.
I get people are all “Taste of his own medicine, fuck yeah!” But it seems like you both don’t plan on leaving eachother. While it is fun to see shit people get what they deserve, you are sticking with him by choice. Even if he is terrible, you should not be rooting for his struggles, but instead trying to help him mentally be able to handle said struggles and your relationship.
You should talk about your resentment with a therapist instead of Reddit.
The Gottman four horsemen of relationship apocalypse are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
It sounds like all 4 are present here.
Do you even *want* to be in this relationship? If not … why are you still there?
Couples therapy might be a good idea.
This has progressed passed resentment to what I would call contempt and it’s a hard place to come back from once you get there. I suggest individual and couples therapy.
You two don’t even like each other, what relationship is there to save? Your priority should be figuring out how to coparent with an irresponsible guy you resent.
Damn just break up instead of whatever hellish abuse this is.
Why would you want to fix this? This isn’t your only chance for a relationship. Not all men are like this and it’s okay at some point to bring someone into your child’s life if they are stable and a good human. Co-parent if you must but you have some messed up thinking.
You move past it by moving on from him. He killed the core of your relationship is not fixable.
Honestly this relationship sounds extremely broken and I think you’d be better off leaving him and working on salvaging a co-parent relationship than a romantic one.
But if you want to save the relationship, it’s been long enough that I think it’s safe to say this isn’t getting better on its own. You need to be in couples therapy and *both* of you need to be committed to a real effort at rebalancing your life together. You can’t fix it alone.
Why do u call him ur best friend rather than boyfriend, etc? Resentment is a relationship killer. This is a common story.
Honestly it sounds like the only positive thing this guy has contributed to your relationship is the sperm to have your child.
He’s a lazy asshole who wants to do drugs with other women. Why do you put any importance on anything that comes out of his mouth? Why do you invest any time or effort into this man at all? What do you get out of it?
Stop trying. Get the hell out of there. And invest that time you’re wasting on a loser on yourself and your child. Life will probably be easier and you will be much happier eventually.
It sounds like you guys would benefit from couples therapy. Sounds like trust has been broken, resentment has come to a head, and you have a recipe for an unhappy relationship or breakup.
I don’t think you can to be honest. His attitude seems too shitty. You can’t fix SOMEONE ELSE’s lack of appreciation.
You gotta get out of that love. It’s going to make you into a person you won’t recognize or want to be, especially for your kid. You’ll feel better on your own (because you have been, haven’t you?) Without having to be around a person who didn’t love you but pretended to.
Couples therapy might help. Or breaking up. Staying together for the child won’t do your kid any favors if they grow up in a toxic household
You are not married so leaving will be a lot easier. He will pay child support and see the kid on weekends I guess, but you will be free of all this pain and warfare and cheating.
The man is 43 and wants to do shrooms with his ex.
You guys seem like a horrible combo
My MIL stayed in an abusive relationship (physical and emotional) with a lazy man who spent her money on drugs and didn’t do shit around the house. She stayed with him because she was afraid of being alone. That fucked my husband up and he’s still trying to process it at 40. He wasn’t all that close with his mother before she passed away last year due to his resentment.
Leave this relationship. I hesitate to even call it that. This is just dysfunctional. Leave for your kid, if not because you deserve (and can find) a relationship that functions for both people.
You don’t want to raise a child in a house with so much hate and acrimony if you can avoid it.
Your relationship is dead.
MOVE OUT and have him pay childsupport.
This is dysfunctional af. No matter how bad he was (is?), you’re being just as nasty. Get some professional help for your kid’s sale.
This is incredibly unhealthy for all of you, including your child. With respect, grow up 🔝
you two should split or figure it out… but the way your post reads y’all are better off splitting so the baby doesn’t have to grow up with y’all’s problems.
Just break up. You don’t even like him anymore
You’re moving towards single motherhood and back to 100% of duties. Even only considering selfish motives, you got to see how thats a bad idea.
Your clearly not gonna leave him so why post on here?
You are not right for each other. There is so much built up resentment you can’t move past. This is not a healthy relationship for you, or for your child to witness.
This satisfaction you get is not worth the damage to your mental health and steeping in misery every day let alone exposing your child to this toxicity. Make a plan to do better with your husband or divorce.
How do I move past this?
Move on from him.
Me too. Did all the emotional labour and more before we got to the edge of divorce. Now, I often try not to let the negative impact my day or mood.
Like just the other day, he got annoyed by a kid behind him..I didnt see it as I was busy on the phone beside him but I heard it. Seems that he flunked his bag backwards at the kid. Almost made me lose it. When I yelled at him, he justifed himself. i just wish the parent would stand up and punch him or get security.. I didnt care if I got embarrased. His behaviour was just disgusting.. The kid was like 4 or 5.. my hubs is 49 and a absolute asshole and nuisance to the public…
At this point, Im just waiting the minimum period out before we are legal to sign the papers.
I mean, I do understand petty delight. You’re human, you were savagely disappointed, he acted like such a stereotypical man-pig it’s hard not to enjoy his unhappiness. I get it, I do.
But how sustainable is this? This is your life now? Scoring points, taking shots, enjoying unhappiness?
If you’re that disgusted and resentful of him, leave him. It’s not helping you grow to stew in this negativity. It’s not a great place to grow up, among parents who enjoy dunking on each other.
I think you should decide whether you want this man anymore, and if you don’t, you should let him go. If you want him, you need to work out how to forgive him and let go of your bitterness. Because that’s you’re life you’re flooding with bitterness, and it’s a waste of time. It won’t change what he did. It won’t make you feel better. I
Yall don’t like each other and he’s better at hiding his cheating now.
You mentioned 2 other woman. You leave. That’s what you do. You leave… as in we’re done. You need to go figure out you. Him helping now doesn’t change that when you did everything by yourself before being fine.
I can absolutely relate and I feel you. So much. But your kid will definitely absorb not only your dude’s attitude but also even the most subtle of yours and might integrate them into very dysfunctional models. Children’s perceptions don’t have the back story behind things so imagine what that might look like on the surface. Child is probably going to identify with either one of you and you don’t get to pick for them. This kind of stuff might not show up until they’re in relationships as an adult; sometimes it’s really not great. And often people have huge blindspots about these subconscious identifications so they have a hard time figuring out why they keep choosing the wrong partners or repeatedly having the same conflicts.
You’re right to be wary of bringing other men into your child’s life. However, this is not your only shot. You seem to have more self awareness than a lot of people. It’s refreshing to see someone acknowledge contempt the way you have and be honest about it and then actually accept your part of the responsibility for it. I feel like this is a lost art or something. So you’ll probably be pretty mindful about your choices in future. Also, your self awareness and accountability are very attractive qualities to have. I think you’re selling yourself short thinking this is it for you.
Curious why you don’t think there could be someone better out there? Is it time to closely examine where that thought is coming from? I understand the fear of trying to do it alone but is there a therapist or someone out there that could help you set up a plan to do so?
Therapy. Your issues need to be mediated by a pro.
Put his a** on child support. You will be so much happier single. He will eventually cheat physically if he is already rejecting you emotionally like this after you gave birth.
Please seek therapy. So many unhealthy dynamics here 🙁