I am a pretty anxious person and have some bad pain with sex that pain meds haven’t helped with so.. I get high. It makes me feel good, makes sex 10x better, and I’m usually able to orgasm multiple times without pain afterwards. Yet, my boyfriend is very weary and concerned about the whole process of me “using a substance” as he says, that “influences my thinking”. Which I totally get BUT I am able to think clearly most times and I’m still alert. When he finally said it made him feel like he was assaulting me.. I felt a certain way about it. I tried to educate him in the simplest way I could come up with but it didn’t really get into his brain and now we haven’t been being very intimate. I was pretty open with my cannabis use in the start of our relationship but with painful sex, it’s all that helps. How do I fix this?
Edit: he’s only smoked once and it wasn’t a good high.
37 comments
It doesn’t have to be his thing. He can say what works for him but not what works for you. If that’s what you need, talk with him again. Personally, I would not want to feel like I was taking advantage of someone during sex.
If you consent to it before and during being high then it’s okay.
Why does everyone think just being high remove your ability to consent? It doesn’t.
That may apply if you didn’t know the person and you only made the decision while high.
But if you are dating then it doesn’t apply
I can relate to your boyfriend, I starkly refuse to have sex with a partner who’s high or drunk. It just feels very wrong to me. Anyway, have you seen a doctor about the painful sex issue? If you haven’t then you probably should.
Talk to a doctor about the pain for sure
Id never have sex with someone who is under the influence, but if you’re alert and consent beforehand… well, it still may not be his cup of tea.
First, I’m glad that your partner has a baseline of ‘no sex with impaired people’. That is appropriate in the majority of circumstances.
However, pre established consent absolutely is a thing. The key is that while sober, you give consent to sex occurring at a future point while you are impaired. This can be as specific or general as you like. You can give consent a long time before, or just before you get high. You can establish a time frame, or just say “Until I say stop.” You can withdraw consent while high (and obviously he sounds like the sort to respect this). You can even set up a blanket consent for him to have sex with you while high at any point until you revoke said blanket consent.
It sounds like a big disconnect here is his anxiety-free perspective, and a lack of understanding about just how much anxiety impacts someone’s ability to function.
My partner lives with chronic pain, and uses CBD pills to alleviate it. Technically, ze is always a little high. However, as a result, ze is much, much more functional than ze would be if ze were to operate ‘substance free’.
There are many cases, from depression to ADHD, where people’s brains just don’t quite work as they should, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with using appropriate medication to help ourselves be in a headspace that lets us function and enjoy life.
There’s a saying ‘If your brain doesn’t make the right neurotransmitters, store bought is fine.’ Ironically, using a substance that influences your thinking is the best course of action here, because it allows you to get around a major limiter, anxiety. Your anxiety is not a choice, your medication is.
Heck, it might be reasonable to put it in writing. Lots of folks write down what they’re ok/not ok with in the relationship. Others are comfortable with a simple verbal agreement. My partner and I have an ongoing understanding that we’re allowed to initiate sex with each other when one of us is asleep, and it’s resulted in many excellent sessions for both of us.
We also know that if either of us wakes up and says ‘stop’, that will be respected.
Finally, it might be worth doing a session while you are high where you alternate granting and withdrawing consent to specific actions, so he can understand that you’re still able to say ‘no’ when it matters.
Gawd…people still treating weed like it’s heroin. Ffs
I think that some of these ideas come from people who don’t know very much about drugs tending to think that recreational drugs are like a stronger version of alcohol. In reality, even though many drugs interfere with decision making, alcohol in particular lowers inhibitions, relaxes muscle, dulls sensation and inhibits memory — a powerful combination for bad sex dynamics. Marijuana or even ecstasy or cocaine affect the mind, but at normal levels of intoxication they don’t make you lose awareness of what’s happening as powerfully.
I guess I’m biased because I lost my virginity on methylone. But I just can’t imagine comparing that to being drunk. It’s completely different.
Ahhh he’s only smoked once, this explains it. I didn’t start smoking weed till I was 30. So I’ve been on both sides of the coin.
You two might not be that compatible because of this alone. Cause if he’s THIS uncomfortable, it’s not going to get better, trust me.
He will eventually ask you to sacrifice this and give it up. This is where it’s going to head and you can’t function without it due to your anxiety.
You want to be around someone, whether they get high or not, who isn’t bothered by your need to smoke to help medically.
And yes, as long as you consent before and during, then know after you sober up you still agree it’s consent, then getting high isn’t impacting your brain to consent.
When people get nervous like that about consent, they do not understand it’s about people who are so out of it they can’t think clearly are just about to pass out, black out drunk or high, or already passed out. This is when you need consent because they can’t in those mental states.
So unless you are like that high, you have nothing to worry about regarding consent and your state of mind when high.
Also studies show, for women at least, that getting high actually helps you not only get in the mood for sex if you have a libido issue, but helps you stay present and not stay in your head, so you can actually enjoy sex.
He’s smart to be cautious. Woman have done some very devious things to men. Consent is important but you always have to caution. Obviously he’s your bf and you wouldn’t do that to him but guys can never be too safe
You’re not doing anything wrong but if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it, I guess there’s not really anywhere to go from here.
I had radically different views of weed from 22 vs 31 now.
Sit down and talk with him. Explain how it helps your body relax and alleviates pain.
Maybe come up with a safe word you both can use to “pause” if he ever needs to be reassured that you’re fully consenting enthusiastically.
Obviously if you consent to it before getting high it wouldn’t be considered assault, but it could very easily be considered assault and that is what he’s most likely concerned about.
You can thank all the people who say it’s rape when you are drunk or on meds or stoned or what not. I always thought that was up to the people in the relationship to discuss but everything nowadays is rape and assault and abuse. 🙄
You can’t consent to sex when you’re high or drunk. That’s it. He feels some kind of way about fucking someone who cannot consent. You’re not going to convince him otherwise.
Depending on jurisdiction, it legally is. Obviously even if it happens in such a location, the non sober participant has to feel like it was as well, because no good person is going to report their partner for doing what they both consented to. But the stigma is still there for some people and they aren’t comfortable having sex with anyone who isn’t totally sober in the moment. Perhaps they’ve had a bad experience with it before or perhaps they feel awkward about it, like they’re taking advantage even if they know it’s what their partner wants. All you can really do is try to clearly communicate what you want beforehand, establish a safe word for if you go through with it, and respect it if either of you says no. If either of you *needs* to be drunk or high in order to enjoy sex and your partner isn’t comfortable with that, then it’s just a fundamental incompatibility, and that’s okay.
He just young and doesn’t understand how these things work. You’re consenting before you get high, while you’re high and saying you’re okay with the experience after it happens. This is all you giving consent. Like another commenter says you don’t loose your ability to give consent because you’re high. It’s very sweet that he is worried about it but he’s just young and doesn’t really understand the concept of consent obviously.
He has expressed a boundary. Unfortunately, this isn’t something for you to “fix.” I suggest that you both discuss his discomfort with high sex, your discomfort with sober sex, and see if you can find some common ground. There are different schools of thought on whether intoxication subverts prior consent. A common one, which your boyfriend may have heard, is that a general commitment to “have sex later” can be negated by getting drunk. And that is a valid point. I think the situation here is that you are consenting to “get high for the purpose of having sex and then having sex while high.” Maybe if you can explain that your consent is given prior, while sober, knowing how you feel during high sex from past experiences, and retaining the right to withdraw consent if you feel uncomfortable, then he will feel better about it.
I think society has formed and in some ways warp the thinking of many people. Now, drunk people = rape and all that rhetoric, which is so black and white that it’s harmful. Less harmful of course than “it’s always okay” but it’s just not constructive. MANY people go partying to get drunk and to fuck. If you’re drunk laughing, dancing, talking…. like, where does it end, when someone has a hormone high due to periods, is it still the person’s decision? Especially given how you just told him that you prefer it and you’re not lying around unresponsive…. there’s not even potential ambiguity as it might occur in a club scenario. it’s conditioned, for better or worse. He may overcome it, he may not feel comfortable with it anytime soon.
Don’t pressure him into it, but talk, maybe do some philosophical thought games, some big what ifs, but in the end, people aren’t just rational, and if he feels wrong doing it, it is what it is. Worth trying, but it’s wrong (or more like impossible) to force change of mindset in a personal topic such as this.
So, I randomly stubbled upon vaginal inserts to help with pain during sex! I think they were CBD but I think it would work like the salve, pain lotions/creams. I was just googling a random question and it popped up out of nowhere. You should look into them a little and see if this could be a way to help with your type of pain. This could be a workaround to being high. Sex while stoned is the best though. It was Cannabidiol (CBD) suppositories that popped up. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help you but it’s exciting that it exists.
Maybe your boyfriend thinks you are suffering even though you are smoking the pot. If my girlfriend told me sex was painful and was using to get through it, I would be concerned.
I feel him
I have very mixed feelings about all of this. I think it’s a matter of degree, like many things in life. My partner and I have been married for a long time. Cannabis has become legal in my state within the past few years. We like a single gummy before sex because it makes the sex better. Many people will have a glass of wine. In either of those cases, I think most people are perfectly able to give consent. Now , I certainly think one could take enough cannabis or alcohol where one would be impaired enough to not be able to give consent. I’m not a fan of the idea of giving consent in advance and the whole non consensual consent idea. I think legally, that would hold very little weight and I have seen situations where women have experienced bad outcomes from this.
I do think OP should seek out medical care for her pain with sex if she hasn’t done it already. I can also see where her partner could be uncomfortable with the cannabis use if he’s not a fan of it and if she needs enough such that she seems stoned. It may be a dealbreaker and they are just incompatible.
Maybe educate him more on the effects of being high, and how much it messes with your judgment. Because weed doesn’t affect you the same way that alcohol does as you can pretty much retain most of what you actually want to do, whereas getting drunk can just be blind action.
My fiancé and I get high and have sex pretty regularly. The rule of thumb is 1. Agree to have sex before getting high 2. Unless asked for beforehand, nothing new while high. 3.As long as we’re conscious it’s all good. And 4 (this is her biggest rule) If she gets high I have to take the dogs out.
Get a new boyfriend
Is cannabis legal where you live?
If it is, you can get CBD only strains. It’s what I smoke whenever I’m in pain and it also happens to be great for sex. I don’t have pain during sex but I’ve noticed that it certainly helps put me in the mood.
I can understand his reluctance, even if you give him the go ahead. Unfortunately, there have been some people in the past who have falsely accused others of SA or R— and if you were to say “well, I was high! How dare he take advantage of me!?”
You see?? Or maybe he’s had a bad past experience where either he or someone else was high/drunk and it didn’t go well.
If weed isn’t legal where you live but CBD is the only thing that truly helps with the pain, is there any way you can obtain medical cannabis? Like, get a prescription from a doctor?
CBD doesn’t have any of the stuff that gets you high mentally. It only affects the body, it would be legal, get rid of your pain and you would be able to fully consent in the eyes of your boyfriend 🙂
Please come over to r/entwives for some less judgemental advice!
You’re using weed for anxiety and pain management, only you can determine your use and if he isn’t into, maybe y’all aren’t just compatible.
There’s no way he should be making you feel bad about this.
What’s the alternative, no medication and painful sex??
I’m curious, does he ever have a glass of wine or a beer/drink with dinner and then have sex with you?
You might want to make this comparison and explain this perspective to him.
How inebriated are you? Could it be the level of the “high” you’re getting that’s concerning to him?
And also, does he truly understand the pain you’re in when you have sex? You need to be as forthcoming about it to make sure he understands as much as possible. I’m not sure the type of pain you’re in (internal, external, lack of lubrication, not being able to relax, etc.) but you really should focus on why you’re in pain. Maybe it’s something you can do together so he can fully grasp the situation.
He is totally projecting his one experience being high onto you. He needs to understand that the entire problem is in his head. Weed does not affect your ability to give consent
View this from his perspective.
As a male in todays society it is drilled in hard that you can’t approach a girl, if you tell her she looks nice today that is sexual harassment. You can’t touch a girl, that if you do touch a girl it’s sexual assault and if that girl is messed up on something when you get busy, you go to jail for grape.
In his eyes he can’t touch you when you are altered because you can’t consent. That has been drilled into him hard.
In reality, you gave consent when you were sober so it doesn’t matter, but in his eyes you could change your mind afterwards and he would still be in huge trouble. I guarantee he’s heard of dudes being accused of grape from their drunk and high girlfriends after the fact.
If you want to get high and get busy. You should both sign a document that he keeps with him stating that you consented to getting busy before you got high and that you have a safe word established and what it is. Then he may be ok with it.
Or he may not be ok with it and you have to live with his boundaries. If you can’t get busy unless high and he can’t get busy because he won’t when you are high that might mean you guys don’t get busy.
IMO his thinking that it’s like assault is a bit off assuming it’s a relatively long term relationship.
The entire point of “impaired consent isn’t consent” is that you don’t want the lowered inhibitions to cause someone to agree to something they otherwise wouldn’t have. In a hookup or ONS or first time situation the baseline assumption is that someone doesn’t want sex unless they specifically say so. Within a relationship,assuming sex is already a part of it,the baseline assumption is that they do generally want it although obviously that not an anytime ” on demand” sort of thing. So within a relationship,if being high or a bit buzzed or whatever makes sex more enjoyable,or even if it’s needed for any enjoyment at all,it’s not assault because it’s not the lowered inhibitions that’s causing you to agree to sex.
An extreme but possibly effective as a last resort way of getting through to him might be to say no or otherwise stop after sex has gotten started with you high to show him that you are still capable of saying no whole high if you choose. There’s lots of ways that can go wrong but it might work if nothing else does. But I’d definitely focus on the fact that being high isn’t in any way affecting your ability to say no.
Ok listen to me, you do whatever you need to do to feel pleasure. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, do what you want.
I was in a relationship with a guy who was super insecure. It took me a long time to realize that. When we first started having sex we used one of those rings that vibrate. I would get off everytime. Then He started complaining that it wasn’t really sex. So we stopped using it and I stopped orgasming. It took me 4 years to get out of that relationship. It took me a long time realize how incompatible we were and that I let him take the one thing that made it enjoyable for me. Don’t let him take that from you.
*Technically*, it is assault and is also legally non-consensual sex if someone is under the influence.
That aside though, I feel it depends how high you get. Like, if you are taking a hit or two just to relax you and get a little buzz, thats one thing. But if you are getting absolutely stoned out of your mind… I’d be uncomfortable with that also.
It’s the same with alcohol. Having a few drinks, getting a nice buzz going or even slightly drunk, then having sex.. ok, no big deal. It makes it more fun imo lol. But if you or the other person is totallly smashed and can barely talk or walk, that’s a different story.
Unfortunately, I’m not sure there is a good way to fix this problem. He’s not comfortable with you being high during sex and you aren’t comfortable during sex due to pain and weed helps. idk, maybe a doctor can see why you are having pain and address that issue?
I have fibromyalgia and I take marijuana edibles. It’s the only thing that helps with the pain. Glad my partner doesn’t feel like it’s assault. I’m high and I know exactly what I’m doing. He’s happy I’m not in pain. Also works in his favor because when I’m high I’m really horny and can’t get enough of him.
I do the same OP. For chronic pain and relief due to PCOS which does impact my sex life. A lot of comments here are recommending you go to the doctor if it hurts. You should if you have not been yet. But, seeing as you have pain meds I’d guess you already have.
For myself – They’re not realizing that sometimes after the diagnosis by the doc, it doesn’t just magically resolve the pain. There are some issues that cause chronic pain and the docs essentially acknowledge it and say “you’re not going to die, there is no more action to take, just address the pain as it comes.”
My 2cents is that, you are valid for wanting to use weed and not stronger meds or pills. Especially if you have some and they dont work. But your partner is also valid in not feeling comfortable sex-ing while you are high. I am lucky enough to have a partner that understands, but, its not always guaranteed.
At least he still dates you. I wouldn’t date someone that gets high at all.
Maybe he is worried you will react differently when sober? 