As I’ve gotten older and older I feel a harder and harder, deeper despair and cold cynicism about s*ciety across broad categories.
P*litics, the ec*nomy, d*ting, r*ce relations, g*nder relations, m*ntal health, the envir*nm*nt, popular c*lture etc
The closer I get to 40 the more I feel like I have naturally drifted further and further away from c*ltural n*rms/expectations and as a result I feel alienated from the systems and people around me.
I love my mum, I love my siblings and I care a great deal for a tiny handful of friends I see three or four times a month. But I hate myself. Deeply.
I feel intense self-disgust and hatred and despite me seeking mental health help and receiving therapy for many years I am not cured. Not even close.
I feel a lot of rage. Both towards myself now and my past-self. For not just ‘manning up and getting on with it’ – despite literal decades of knowing that phrase is problematic. I still feel it in my gut as fundamentally as physical fatigue, hunger or my libido.
So as I approach the big 4-0 I am feeling increasingly like I am not cut out for this existence. I am not mentally fit for employment. I have a cynical and defiant – pretty much c*nspiracy th*ory attitude towards our g*vernment(s). I believe them to be evil and parasitic.
I was telling the NHS mental health people last month that sometimes – *sometimes* – I feel so unstable in my perception of reality that were I to discover that God is real and the reality we all inhabit *is actually hell* and we are all here to be punished…I’d believe it.
Yet I also feel paradoxically, hypocritically – that if I, say, won the jackpot on the lottery and became a millionaire, or started having an inexplicably regular and consistent multi-year spate of extremely good fortune in my health, social connections, career prospects etc that I’d suddenly start feeling like all the suffering was worth it and can start paling by comparison.
That I had to feel the rough so the smooth felt all the better.
Except I feel like I am just going to end up on the sewer-slide whether I like it or not.
I think about the next 30-40 years of my probably life-span and all I see is a yawning chasm of continued and worsening loneliness, rejection, self-hatred, mental illness and misery.
I don’t know what to do
11 comments
>I feel like I am just going to end up on the sewer-slide whether I like it or not.
Yeah pretty much. Sorry bud
I’m not a doctor but I think you’ve got impacted vowels. You should probably get that checked out. You might not need a complete vowel resection, sometimes they can just stick a finger up there and break them up.
> Plitics, the ecnomy, dting, rce relations, gnder relations, mntal health, the envirnmnt, popular c*lture etc
Here’s the secret bro – *no one* is cut out for this existence.
We were all designed for a much simpler world. Granted, that world was super-tough, and there was a good chance you’d die before 30, but the point is every single one of us is currently being forced to live in a world that voids the warranty.
The one thing you can do is start focusing on things you enjoy. The last time you had a relatively good day, what were you doing? Is there a way you can do that more often?
I know this sounds airy-fairy, but the more time you spend simply doing things you actually enjoy, the less frustrated you are, and the more options open up to you in other areas.
Also – and this is really important – there is a huge, huge difference between suffering, and suffering *alone*. Generally, all it takes is a small circle of friends/family that really get you to make an unlivable life very livable.
This is the case for me but I wouldn’t apply it to everyone else. Late bloomers and all that.
Yeah man when you spend so much time in the mental dumpster that you’ve created for yourself it’s hard to see anything beyond it.
You need a perspective shift ASAP.
Who do you have in your life that you can talk to and lean on?
Do you feel safe being able to truly open up to people about your struggle?
Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Sounds like you ruminate on your perceived weaknesses quite a bit. What are your strengths?
What healthy hobbies or interests do you have that you can engage in. Do they make you a better, more well rounded person? Are you being social? Focus on things that make you better.
Are you abusing substances such as alcohol?
You’ve created a reality where everything sucks and you can’t see beyond it. I can assure you that your reality is not actual *reality.*
Are you seeing a therapist that can help you navigate these negative feelings? If you are, is that therapist working for you? If not, find another. There’s nothing wrong with dumping a therapist if they’re not a good fit.
You are not doomed. You are lost. You don’t have to be lost forever.
I wish I had some solace to offer, but I don’t. Just chiming in to let you know you’re not alone. What you described above is damn near exactly what I feel on a daily basis and I’m only a few years your junior.
I sincerely wish you good luck in finding some peace, if you’re ever capable. I’m nearly to the point of giving up on the concept.
Relax, it’s just part of ride.
Sorry to hear that mate.
Take a deep breath. Like really, go on a long hike and walk, close to water or in a mountain preferably, and just breathe.
Take a hard look at your habits: do you keep on doing things that you know are not good for you? What are those? Write an exhaustive list. Cut those one by one.
Is there anything that makes you happy that you do currently? Make a list. Find a way to make more of those, assuming they are good for you (I would avoid drugs, alcohol, etc. that can damage not just you but people around you). Make more of those, find a way to make it a daily habit if need be. It doesn’t have yo be big stuff, it might be listening to a funny podcast, listening to music, etc.
Have you done a lot of new things lately? What exactly? Make a list. Try something new each week. It can be a new restaurant, a new dish at a restaurant you’ve been before, going to a community event around you, meetup, etc.
Shake it off. Realize you’re in a deep funk, and the key to get out of it is to realize what you’re not doing well and start doing a bit more of what brings you healthy happiness. I’d throw in meditation in there as well to help you be more self aware that your reality is not THE reality, and that ultimately you have much power over it than you think.
Godspeed brother!
You sound depressed as hell my guy. Have you ever tried any medication to see how it goes?
You sound depressed, and I want you to know you’re not alone and things do get better. It may take a long time to find the right medication, but there are lots, and you can find one that works for you. A lot of your post sounded like me for a long time, the very first thing you should do is stop reading the news, its all shit anyway. Only try to put good things in your life, listen to happy music, watch a comedy show, just anything positive. Your body eats food, your mind eats experiences. If you keep having negative experiences from the news it will distort your worldview. And if you want to talk, send me a DM. Never give up hope
As someone who can relate a lot to your post, and I’m sure it’s already been mentioned, but working on your mindfulness more could go a long way towards helping improve your mood at any given random moment.
I spend a lot of time alone, in my head, dwelling on the past and future. In those moments I really have to lean on the willpower to snap back to the present and mindfulness exercises help me do that