Hi Reddit,
This will be long so thanks for reading if you do.
My husband and I have been having communication issues for a long time. Mainly, I bring up a topic of concern and he doesn’t quite know how to deal with this. He plays the blame game and is more interested in being right and then doesn’t want to talk. I am concerned that things never get resolved because he shuts them down. I married him because I love him and it appealed to me that he was a homebody and quite introverted. Not interested in social media or big party nights out. This leads me to our recent issue.
Over the past few months, I’ve noticed that my husband is dipping his toes into the world of social media. The problem is he doesn’t tell me. He sent me a tiktok video and i noticed that it has his name on it. He said he made an account because he wanted to see some funny videos. Then I received a notification from Snapchat saying someone in my contacts had joined. It was my husband. I didn’t say anything to see if he mentioned it but he didn’t. A week later I asked him and he said he joined to see if he could connect to any old school friends but then deleted it.
Fast forward to this week. Yesterday I noticed he was on a page and asked what it was. He said it was his Instagram page that he had created. But it wasn’t under his name. It was an appreciation page that he had made for a topic that interests him. I left it at that. Then this morning I asked what the page was called and he sent a link after getting quite annoyed then immediately deleted the page. He got very defensive and said it was just a silly page and I’m making it into something it’s not. I just feel really ‘off’ by his sudden interest in social media but even more so because he seems to be doing it secretly. And also because he got angry when I asked rather than reassuring me that his reasons were genuine and not nefarious . He said he didn’t think he had to seek my consent and I agree. It just feels as though he has an online presence that I know absolutely nothing of. I just feel like it’s something to mention?
Is it me? Am I making an issue out of nothing?
6 comments
I should also make it clear that I am on social media and have been the whole duration of our marriage. I just feel like his secrecy in joining and then deleting his pages when I asked to connect is the concerning part.
How do you define “secret”? He sent you a tik tok from his account. Didn’t seem like he was hiding it. Do you have a snap chat? I assuming that’s why you were notified. Did he seem surprised that you knew? Otherwise, I wouldn’t classify that as “secret” either. Unless you regularly talk about every app and website you visit. The IG thing is weird. But it’s hard because you didn’t specify what he was “appreciating”. Was it sexy women? Sexy men? Did it look like a catfish scenario? You could talk to him about social media. I assume he doesn’t use Twitter or other socials. So you could just say, “hey, I noticed you getting on a lot of social medias apps lately. You mentioned wanting to reach out to some old friends. How’s that going? Have you been able to find any?” Something like that. And if you don’t like his answer. Be direct. Tell him that it seems out of character and makes you feel self-conscious and you were wondering why this seems to be happening all of sudden. Does he have a lot of friends that you know of? He could be legitimately reaching out for friends he’s lost contact with and is embarrassed to admit that’s what he’s doing.
If he’s never had social media before its most likely he has no idea the emotional baggage/implications you’re attaching to it. He probably has no idea what he’s doing and got bored.
Why are you so insecure about this? Have you communicated or tried to talk through what your problem with him doing this is? Do you even know why you have a problem with it? Is it just the fact he didn’t tell you?
He is getting into a gray area, if he is making accounts in other names and not sharing this information with you. It can be a red flag to me. If it is out of character for him, you should discuss and ask for transparency in what he is doing, as you said you are transparent to him with yours. Your concerns are valid.
Is he getting annoyed and thinking you’re trying to accuse him of something because he made online accounts? He could want to explore the internet without you judging him harshly like a parent would.
He sent you the tiktok with his name on it. It’s not like he is trying to hide it. You say he is an introvert. I’m guessing he’s not super talkative and doesn’t normally share tons of details about every little thing going on in his life. Why would joining social media be any different?
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> And also because he got angry when I asked rather than reassuring me that his reasons were genuine and not nefarious
What did you ask him? This part seems off to everything else.