When I was in my 20’s (35 now) I struggled with mental health, and for a while it was “serious enough” that I did seek help. I was dealing with psychosis and paranoia, most of it brought on because of smoking too much weed for too many years. I feel like I truly lost those years of my life, and the issues that plagued me then are long behind me now. However, I was so messed up mentally I basically forgot who I was, struggled to make friends, and I lost any sense of sexuality which really messed with my identity (i thought i was basically asexual but HATED the idea of it). So I haven’t dated in 15 years and only recently I learned that I am in fact straight. I’m very sensitive and get attached way too easily and lack confidence, blah blah, etc. From the outside? I probably seem pretty friendly and happy and maybe even normal/adjusted. Or at least until I have to open up..
Oh, and I pretty much played videogames for 10 years all day every day when I wasn’t working to escape. It was a way to not go mad, and despite the shame that comes from wasting my life I guess it worked as I’m not “crazy” anymore at least.
I guess my biggest problem now is, it almost feels like I’ve walked out of a 15 year prison sentence into a world I don’t fit into and don’t understand. I’m way “behind” on social media, I have basically 0 pictures of myself for the past 10-15 years, and I have no idea how to meet single guys who I can relate with/meet women with. Even if i did know how to meet guys, I’d assume they wouldn’t really wanna be my friend and I’d be too scared to reach out. I’m TERRIFIED of rejection. Same thing with women I guess.. I look okay kinda, I’m skinny and tall, but I’ve recently picked up smoking again (1 year quit) with the stress of learning I’m straight, as silly as that sounds. So yeah, now I’m not just a loser, but a smoking loser. I’ll be graduating with a degree very soon, and i have fantastic marks for what it’s worth, but I don’t feel happy or excited about any of it. I just feel old and lame and what does a piece of paper really change about that?
I feel entirely broken. I know you guys aren’t therapists, and I know I almost definitely need therapy like years ago, but if anyone has ever felt this way and turned things around, I’d love to hear your story.
Thanks for listening
5 comments
Hang in their friend. Start taking reasonable risks, outside of building relationships, i.e. going on trips by yourself, trying adventurous things(skydiving) where you have a.complete lack of control. Even if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, do things that push your comfort level. It builds confidence and will bleed over into your social life in a positive way.
I need to join this thread because I resonate a lot here. I feel like I’m messaging every post asking if someone wants to be a friend.
I spent my entire 20s also in basically what I consider a psychosis and missed out on so much. Constantly feel like I’m playing catch up right now and kind of begrudgingly because keeping up with social media seems pretty exhausting. I don’t game, but I am totally down to maybe share some mutual music interests or whatever else people used to bond over the last time they were social. Also just relating and talking about life is good too. Let me know if you want to chat! I’m also in my 30s. Not a guy.
Also be proud of your accomplishments of overcoming such a pivotal and challenging stage of your life, most don’t and to the point of turning things around enough to earn a degree. That’s amazing!
Well, I usually go to my therapist and spend most of the time just trying to explain how I’m feeling. Lol
But my primary goal is learning how to make friends, so maybe I can share some things. I think she said part of it is making it more about the other person, but I usually just talk about myself.
I’m not really that interesting, so I just make up things. For example, I have an army of cats. I send them on missions, but I can’t say what the missions are exactly. So it’s not really a good conversation starter. Well, maybe I’ll have a better one next time.
The first thing to realize is that you’re not alone, as is evident from two of the other comments in this post.
You’re doing well in school, you have normal fears, and you’re apt/introspective enough to have a good look at who you were vs. are and to make an effort to carve out a path ahead. I’d say you’ve got a leg up on a lot of people. I could argue I went through something similar and turned my life around; but our stories aren’t comparable. Instead what I’ll tell you is that the world is a weird place.
From the outside I’m a perfectly normal person. I’m a military veteran with a killer education, a fantastic marriage, lots of friends, a good job, a nice house, and a great dog. I however, still feel like a stranger in a strange land. I too don’t feel like I fit in, and whenever I let out the parts of me that I consider to be the truest, core parts of who I am, people get visibly uncomfortable. I share this only to suggest that those feelings might not go away, and from my perspective, they aren’t necessarily a sign of something ‘being wrong with you’ as much as a sign that you’re more introspective than other people.
My advice for dealing with a lot of these issues is to go forward and try to give less of your mental energy to them. You will always carry them with you, and it might sound cliche, but don’t worry so much about them, and they will begin to feel like they weigh a little less in your proverbial backpack. Meditation and time spent in nature both can have a good impact on this. I’d also suggest ensuring you’re on top of all the basics surrounding your living space and hygiene. Cleaning, doing dishes, yardwork, etc… always have a positive impact on my mindset, help me feel more connected with society, and will always improves my mood.
Lastly, I’d take people up on talking that you meet in this sub. We consist of some of the best and worst of people from a social perspective, making it a perfect microcosm for real life and a good spot to start to ‘reconnect’ with yourself through interactions. I’m always happy to have a chat.
Cheers.
Hey – you haven’t wasted your life, you’re still really young! It’s okay that you were going through some stuff and worked on yourself. I have massive respect for that and that is exhausting and time consuming – not a waste at all. Also, you’re really underselling the fact that you’re graduating with a degree soon – that’s a massive achievement and a ton of work. I’m not seeing any waste.
As for social media – I know people your age who don’t have social media at all and never have. It’s not a must, but it does make it easier to interact and keep in touch with people. There are tons of tutorials out there on how to use the various social media, so just head over to Google and YouTube and get going if it’s important to you. For your age range – people still use Facebook, Instagram is big, and TikTok is the social media platform of the moment. Also, people lose access to their accounts occasionally because they got hacked or whatever, so it’s not unusual for people to have to start their profile again. Don’t worry about that.
As for meeting people – how you feel about yourself really comes through in your interactions with other people. If you think you’re shit and you’re a waster, people will feel that and not want to hang out. It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Dress yourself in clothes that make you feel confident, get yourself a haircut that makes you feel good. Make lists of things you like about yourself. Keep your internal talk positive. It makes a massive difference. If you need inspiration for this – watch Queer Eye on Netflix, they help people view themselves in a positive light. Honestly, therapy would help a lot too, but I know not everyone can afford that or is comfortable with it. Try joining groups that are focused on things you’re interested in, volunteering for causes that you care about, or joining a social sports league or just exercise classes, these are great ways to meet like minded people instead of diving into the cesspool of online dating. If you have issues with rejection, do not start out with dating apps – they can be really brutal and there is no shortage of assholes on the platforms.
Definitely quit smoking again ASAP – if you feel like you wasted 15 years and don’t want to waste any more time, those things are literally taking time away from you. I smoked for 18 years pretty heavily, it was a defining characteristic of who I was and I loved it. I tried and failed to quit probably 10 times, but now, I haven’t smoked in over three years. I listened to Allen Carr’s “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” on audiobook while I went on walks. It’s an old book and it doesn’t work for everyone, but a lot of people have found it really helpful. You can probably borrow the audiobook from your local library. It’s very repetitive, almost hypnotic, so some people find reading it annoying vs. listening. I absolutely used cigarettes as a crutch when I was feeling nervous or stressed, as you are. There are other healthier habits that can be the coping mechanism that cigarettes are – meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. These things all help with stress levels and don’t kill you. You quit before and you can quit again.
As for fearing rejection – you’re going to have to come to terms with it, it’s just an inevitable part of life and it doesn’t have to be bad. I think most people struggle with this, no one likes getting shot down, but resilience is what builds the life you want. There’s a really good book, on the topic of resilience called “Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Angela Duckworth. Basically, scientists have found that being naturally gifted at things does not equal success, people who are not naturally gifted but have a lot of perseverance and resilience are the ones who become successful at whatever it is they are doing. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone – that doesn’t mean either of you are bad or wrong, it just means that you’re not compatible and that is okay! The world would be a boring place if we were all into exactly the same stuff – there’d be no diversity of thought. You might want to practice being rejected either by putting yourself in low stakes situations where you might get rejected or by imagining the worst case scenario, best case scenario, and moderate scenario, or both. I use the latter when I’m heading into a situation that makes me nervous and I walk through these things out loud with another person or by myself. It makes me see how silly and unlikely the worst case scenario is and calms me down. At the end of the day – practice is what will help you come to terms with this, but it’ll never feel good to be rejected. I have a job where I get ‘nos’ maybe 90% of the time and I’ve mostly come to terms with it, but if I’m having a rough day and get another ‘no’ or I’m getting more than usual, it’s still hard.
Anyway – I know this was really long, I hope it was encouraging. Don’t worry about where you are in comparison to other people at this point in their lives – there will always be people who have done more or less than you and who cares? As Teddy Roosevelt wisely said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Just focus on you and what makes you happy. Good luck!