Hey everyone. I appreciate this Reddit, have read multiple posts of the years.
I am hoping my question can spark some help for me or send me in the right direction.
I am 32, turning 33. My wife and I are going through a lot right now with my dad finishing radiation, and her dad going on hospice with his Alzheimer’s. My question is (and some of this has happened in the last few years+ so not just current stress). … how can I do better as a man? How can my sex drive and my stamina be better?
I can’t seem to be motivated to stay in the gym, I was 190 last year this time I am back to 220 (5’10”) so I am overweight.
My wife is constantly in shape and I can never match her sex drive, or her stamina to help her continue.
I know a lot of this is my weight, but could it be something else? My T was tested last year this time and was 546. It’s not crazy high, but not low.
Since we’ve been married (10 years) I’ve never had the sex drive she’s had. I want to, and she turns me on so it’s not that.
What should I be doing different to be motivated? Some people have said it’s my T, some people said I should be taking ADHD meds because I cannot seem to focus or be motivated consistently.
Anyways. Love you dudes and hope my rambling makes any sense. Thanks!
4 comments
I would go see a dr
See a Dr and maybe even a therapist. Sounds like you’re depressed cause you got a lot of shit going on and when you can’t break it it just adds to it. Have you gotten any wins under your belt in the last year? Little or big, gotta start getting some in to feel good.
As a fellow fat guy who tends to balloon up and down (I’ve seriously gained and lost between 50-75lbs about 3-4 times in the last 10 years), but who is finally on the right track, let me ask you a few questions:
1) How’s work? Are you happy there? Or is it a drain on you every day? I can tell you from experience, working 8-10 hours a day (with maybe another hour or two commute) is hard enough when you’re happy and enjoy the work… if you’re not happy there, don’t make the mistake of thinking you can “leave work at work.” Because you’re going to leave all your passion, ambition, spontaneity and enthusiasm at work, too. I had a job like that not that long ago, and while I was good at the work and enjoyed it, it was just the wrong environment for me, and it definitely affected my sex drive, energy, etc. I made a hard decision to leave, being worried about getting a comparable job and pay… and ended up in a much better position with better pay. Even if I hadn’t, it would have been the right call – because it was my wife who told me I needed to move on because she couldn’t stand to see me zombiewalking through life anymore.
2) It’s one thing to be in the gym losing weight (which it seems like you know you need to do, so do that, too), but are you also building positive habits that help your biochemistry? Are you spending enough time each day outdoors in the sun, getting fresh air? Are you waking up and giving yourself at least an hour before you look at a computer or cell phone screen? Are you delaying your morning coffee (or whoever you get your caffeine) at least an hour after waking? All of these small things make a HUGE difference in your body’s biochemistry straight out of bed.
3) Are you socializing properly? Do you have people other than your partner with whom you share things and confide? Are you engaging in group activities, even if it’s just online? Humans are social creatures, and time spent isolated or without reinforcing our network and support system wear us down… they make us feel detached from the world at large in a way that isn’t healthy.
4) How many hours a day do you spend looking at screens for NON-FUNCTIONAL reasons? Screens wear on us, too… but idly scrolling Reddit, Instagram etc is MUCH worse for us than at least using screens productively. And don’t get me started on obsessive social media use screwing up dopamine loops. In my own personal experience, my life/mood/mental health improve 1:1 with how much time I spend away from screens.
5) Ignoring calorie count for weight loss, how’s your diet? Are you getting enough ACTUAL food day in and out? Or are you doing like I used to, and relying high sodium processed foods, fast foods, microwave meals, etc? Are you eating appropriately portioned meals, or sending your blood sugar into orbit then crashing it back down into a crater by eating 1 or 2 meals that are 1000+ calories each? For me, it wasn’t just about how much I ate, but specifically WHAT I ate and HOW I ate it.
Paying more attention and making tweaks to all of the above certainly helped me. No idea if any of them apply to you, but if they do, I’d start there (along with getting back in the gym).
People have high sex drives and low sex drives, some people have a low sex drive when young and higher when they’re older and vise versa. It biology man. Doesn’t mean anything wrong with you. If it bugs you so much that you go to quickly or cant keep going like she can, bring some toys into the mix. Or take your time with her first so you don’t feel like you’re letting her down by going to quickly. There’s lots of options there.
Weight loss and muscle mass are largely based on your diet. The motivation to stick to a diet and exercise plan though, that’s all in your head my man. The lack of motivation can 100% be stress related, and even though it’s not “new” stress, it’s been constant from what you’re describing. You said your wife is constantly in shape, does she eat well and hit the gym often or go for a run often? If she does, ask her for help. She’s there for you, she should be there to help push you forward, so ask her to help you with this. If she goes to the gym, go with her, she goes for a run, go for a walk at the same time. Even if she doesn’t and is just naturally in shape, let her be there to help support you and hold you accountable. That’s what your partner is there for.
Absolutely go see a Dr., get a check up when you are able to. Get your t levels tested again, get your thyroid tested as well. If absolutely nothing helps with weight loss, your thyroid levels could be out of whack as well (which could also cause lack of motivation because you’re always tired). Talk to your doctor about it and see what they say.
And lastly, talk to people, be it your wife or venting to strangers online, if you’re not feeling right or just needing to get something off your chest, talk to someone. Be amazed how much better you feel once you talk to someone else about what’s troubling you.