32F here — I’ve noticed a trend where I’m clear about my needs in relationships, but the men I’m dating don’t put in effort to meet them. They concede to repeating the same patterns until I end things, then weeks later are suddenly devastated and start to make the changes on their own (but at that point it’s too late for us).
Can anyone who’s been on the other side of this shed light on why it took losing someone you loved to make an effort? I really try to listen to my partners and meet their needs, so I’m trying to understand the other side here.
Edit, because this seems to be causing confusion: Needs are not one-sided, nor do I treat them as such. I care about my partner’s needs equally as much as mine, and work hard to understand and meet them.
35 comments
we/they don’t actually want to change. I am guilty of the same thing.
It depends on how long you’ve been dating these men, but personally I think a lot of times people don’t realize that effort and work is required to establish a real relationship.
Once you break it off, there more motivated but my thinking is that it’s all short term motivation and those people usually return to their old habits.
Your message is a little cryptic so this is my somewhat cryptic response. Without knowing the specific behaviors it’s really hard to say why these men suddenly get motivated to change after the breakup.
All I can say is I relate to this so much, and am curious as well.
its great that you know what your needs are. you just gotta find out before getting into a relationship if they have what it takes to meet them. instead of getting into a relationship expecting them to change . that’s why I think its important to see if you’re compatible first.
1. the willingness to change has to be internally motivated for it to be sustainable, not externally motivated
2. the standard needs to be set from the beginning. in order to set a boundary, it must be voiced verbally and with your actions. if you’re only saying something verbally, but not changing your actions then you are enabling them to continue on doing what they’re doing.
it would be helpful to know what change you’re talking about and how you know they’ve implemented change sustainably and consistently after a break up (instead of just saying that in an attempt to get your attention again). most people who don’t want to be alone see trying to get back together with their ex easier than starting all over again with someone else.
Girl none of those people made changes after you ended things with them. Trust it might “look like” they changed but they absolutely are the same people doing the same shit.
Some people just tolerate other people’s bullshit or have a different dynamic. I thought my alcoholic ex “changed” because he was dating a talented, pretty, put together lady right after I ended things with him. I sobbed for 2 months over how he finally changed right when I ended things. My mom told me a story about her ex whom had a bad habit of borrowing money from people (her too) and never ever repaying it. Guy got married, had a kid, became best buds with my mom’s new husband and … HE BORROWED MONEY FROM HIS FRIEND and then never fucking paid it back. My mom even warned her husband “don’t lend this guy money because …”
Anyhow last I saw that ex of mine almost 15 years later is still a drug addict alcoholic. He was dumped by the new girl really quickly because he was a loser that drank all the time.
Actions, meet Consequences. And until their actions meets some consequences, people don’t change.
To avoid this in the future, **please only date people who make an effort to listen to you**. For example, a friend of mine was dating this guy and he brought her over to his place for the first time and she commented on the numerous cobwebs in his place. The next time she came over the cobwebs were gone. All of them. Or another example, I spent the night for the first time at my date’s place. In the AM he made me coffee. But I’m lactose intolerant and he only had dairy creamer. He ran down the street to the store and got almond milk. Four months in and I said I need more hugs and kisses. Now every time he sees me there are many hugs and kisses.
They didn’t change. They just didn’t like being broken up with.
human nature honestly. The threat of a negative consequence is never as painful as the negative consequence itself. Most people are not that wise and learn through cause and effect (making mistakes) rather than just observation alone.
Ok disclaimer that you shouldn’t hope to change anyone in a relationship but the reality is we all want some minor adjustments from time to time.
Any real change has to come from within to be real and sustainable. If you expressed it and they felt you were their person, they would make the change. A man (or woman) can change for a partner but he is only going to do it for one woman. Only one.
Those changes you see after the fact are not real.
I’ve been that person. I have entered into dating with the best of intentions but when presented with real intimacy, have become avoidant. I’ve probably lost out on some relationships with great guys but I wasn’t really as emotionally healed as I thought. It takes making mistakes, and learning to be secure with yourself to really meet another person at the boundaries they set. I hope that makes sense? I consider myself to be empathetic and open but real vulnerability can be scary when you’re avoidant.
I hope you know it’s not a you thing.
And hopefully these guys actually went on to learn something and didn’t just lack self awareness. I fully believe someone will be confident to meet you where you need.
Perhaps you should look at yourself if it’s a common theme for every man that dates you.
Thanks for posting this. I needed all these answers today.
I am that person and I couldn’t tell ya why. Therapy might help.
May I ask what kind of change? (If it’s not too personal)
I ask because I wonder if there is a line of sorts – we want a partner that responds to our input and helps meet our needs. This obviously requires good communication from both partners. But where is the line? At what point are you being who the other person needs, perhaps at the expense of being yourself?
When I married in my twenties, I figured I could just work hard and make a marriage work. That worked for a season, but eventually we divorced. Now I sortof feel like unless there is really excellent alignment of values and willingness to work hard from both parties, I’ll never be with anyone else long-term.
I don’t just feel it- it’s a thought that makes the idea of dating somewhat dreadful! I had a “close but not quite” relationship the other year and I sometimes worry if that’s as good as it gets from here on out. Statistically I know that’s totally ridiculous, but I still feel defeated.
Sorry, didn’t mean to be a bummer. Good post, I hope you get some helpful answers!
As to your original question – While divorcing I read some articles about how some couples divorce or separate because the man isn’t responsive to a woman’s needs, but by the time he realizes it she’s already detached from him emotionally. It’s really too late! This means he goes through the gut-wrenching pain of loss and improvement, maybe hanging on to hope of reconciliation, or perhaps in an effort to show the ex-lover that they ARE worthwhile. I really don’t know. I guess it depends on the individual and the situation.
Honestly I saw it coming for years, I initiated the divorce, and it still really didn’t hit me until later. Crazy shit, I don’t get it.
They don’t simply want to change or see anything wrong with their actions. Good on you for not lowering your standards. I communicate once and if my needs are not met, I end things. I don’t have time to waste. The right person for you will want to make sure you are happy.
There are many flavors of the situation you’re describing and more details would be needed to accurately decide whether we’re talking Rocky Road or Caramel Swirl.
Most commonly though, they aren’t changing after the fact. They aren’t really putting more effort after they have lost the other person. They aren’t capable of or willing to do that. They are simply going to give the perception that they are now willing to do those things, to change the situation back in their favor for awhile.
You’re right to move on from people who do not show desire to meet your needs. When they apparently show a sudden desire to try harder after you’ve moved on; you’re right to continue moving on.
I have seen similar patterns with women I’ve dated, many times. Especially concerning older kids ( 10-18+ especially ) not Respecting them, their partner, or their relationship… until afterwards… far too often, after breaking up, with My Requiring of at least the appearance of Respect for Myself, and Her being cited as a problem, repeatedly, but then their next partner, who doesn’t treat them near as well as I did, demands and (even abusively) FORCES the issue, they not only accept it, but actively praise it.
It just wasn’t time for them to learn that lesson yet…
Yeah I’ve been there but I was battling with addiction so it was really fuckin hard to get out of. It took multiple partners telling me I was off my rocker and the rediscovery of weed to get me to change
Since when is it anybody’s responsibility to ‘meet your needs’? This sounds like a really entitled mentality. Either enjoy people for what they are, or let them go… Nobody has a responsibility to make you happy, but you.
Some people just aren’t all that proactive or empathetic. Even if they’re aware that their behavior is making you unhappy, until there are consequences for themselves, they’re simply not motivated to do anything different.
It sounds like that may be what’s happening here: as long as you were willing to stick around, the situation was still meeting all of their needs. So they simply didn’t have motivation to change.
Once you walked away, the math shifted. Suddenly their behavior DID have unfavorable consequences to them. So they WERE motivated to change.
Chances are they didn’t really wake up though. If you had gone back, they likely would have slid back into their old patterns.
There are 2 aspects to your situation.
1. You putting effort – some people go the extra mile in the relationship which can be counter productive. Just like too much of anything is bad; it is the same with relationships. Excess of you and your efforts and the men will stop valuing it and lose interest.
2. Realization of men – Once they lose you; they miss having you around. Bear in mind, now there is no excess of you, there is no you. And, they start valuing you all over again.
Basically, there has to be a healthy balance and people in relationships just want that. Neither too much of the other person, nor v little.
It shouldn’t be about one side accommodating to one’s needs. However a mutual understanding to put in effort on both sides to make things work.
How did they not meet your needs?
It might be due to the type of person(s) you’re allowing into your life. People can seem varied, distinct, but can still share a certain trait that can result in a specific, repeating behavior.
A good example is how I used to disregard such opinions and suspicions, but once I got rid of that trait I could recognize that the women I was allowing into my life, though varied as people, shared a trait that would in accord with my refusal to recognize it lead a relationship down a well trodden and lousy path.
Your true waking up comes when you realise that the pattern repeats with different people and you look back at your own self as the common denominator.
For majority of the time , the people who say they will change after you break up never actually change when you get back together.
Must be a big list if everyone doin it
It’s also possible that you’re repeating the same patterns?
If you consistently have the same results in relationships, maybe you’re subconsciously choosing men who will never meet your needs.
Had an ex that was like this – 3 years of break up and make ups (no cheating or the such). Every time he’d get “better” as he supposedly saw his errors. He’d revert back mostly after a while, though he’d still have improved ever so slightly . It was ultra draining. For this case I think it was mostly maturity and lack of experience that was the issue.
As a man, I need time to adjust to the situation. When I’m dating I’m always hesitant when I get a list of demands for a relationship.
Pretty sure that’s just red flag behavior. From personal experience, people who require the end of a relationship to pay attention don’t break that pattern. Do you want to get stuck in that cycle? If the answer is no, don’t worry about what it’s like from their perspective. They don’t give a shit about yours. They only “care” about you as a function to meet their own needs. And after a few weeks, their need is to temper the sting of rejection. And if they haven’t learned how to be single- the panic of not having someone.
That’s not your baggage. Don’t pick it up.
I think it comes down to how people love one another, first as strangers, friends, then a partner in whichever context that means to them both. To constantly feel you have a list to fulfill will only cause resentment from the one trying to fulfill it.
People love how they love. People work at what they want. It’s not very complicated when you boil it all down.
Most people think it’s an idle threat. Judging by many Reddit posts, people will put up with a ton before maybe someday leaving.