TL;DR: Friends tell me I give off intimidating vibes and they were scared of me before they got to know me. What traits might someone have that make them seem this way and how do I correct it? People have always noticed I’m smart and quiet and I feel that contributes to the problem so I want to become more outgoing but don’t know how. Tips?
I’ve gotten to a point in my journey with social anxiety/social skills where I no longer feel anxious about talking to people or having a conversation. But now that that’s over, I need to actually learn social skills lol I would say what I struggle with is making friends with people I’m not familiar with (like outside my classmates) and specifically approaching people and it’s something I have to force myself to get good at because, according to my friends I have right now, I give off very intimidating vibes lol
All my life I’ve been told that people were kind of scared of me before they got to know me which is of course shocking for me because as someone who’s always been the smallest of my peers (and allegedly has a “babyface” lmao), I feel like I’m nothing to be scared of but my friends say I give off those vibes. So I realised maybe this is why people don’t really approach me for friendship and it’s something I have to start doing on my own.
Surprisingly, the few friends I have all mostly came to me first and made the first move but they are a few people who I guess took a chance on someone “scary”. The others, we became friends online first then started talking at school and stuff.
One friend told me part of it was that people think I’m smart which intimidates them but I don’t know if that would be an issue outside of school/people who know me from class and there’s other really smart girls who are well-liked and known so I must be doing something wrong lol. I’ve also had situations where people assumed that because I was quiet (always been kind of shy/reserved) I was judging them which kinda saddens me ’cause that’s not what was going on.
So how do I stop coming off as intimidating? What about me might make me seem that way to other people (like in general, what have you observed about people like me in your life)? And how do I learn how to approach others and make friends that way? I never know what to say or how to approach people. Thank you for responding in advance.
3 comments
Smiling is a really good way 🙂
Always go first.
Passing someone on the street or in the hall? Be the first to wave and say good morning.
Group of people need someone to make a decision? Speak up and offer your opinion first.
Someone need help moving or carrying something to their car? Be the first to volunteer.
When you go first people see you as confident and helpful. Even if you’re demeanor says otherwise.
And like the other person said, smiling more is disarming. Doesn’t have to be all the time. I do it when I join a call or when I see someone at first to start the interaction with enthusiasm.
In addition to smiling (if that feels too broad, smile when greeting someone, or when someone greets you) a way to feel more warm and welcoming to new comers is to make positive observations (compliment clothing, accessories, hair, common interetests, keep it genuine though). “I like your bag, it looks really cool! Where did you get it?” Another tactic that helps lighten the mood is poking fun at your own demeanor. “I swear I’m having a good time, my face just looks like that,” or “I’m so much less awkward than I used to be but I haven’t installed the smiling upgrade yet.” Have fun, understand that everyone deals with incorrect first impressions.