Hi all,
I recently cried in front of my girlfriend because she was victim of sexual, physical, emotional and financial abuse… Unfortunately I cried due to compassion of what she is going through and since it felt like we bonded more, I actually feel like she completely isolated herself from me more. It worries me. I feel like she is checking out.
We had argument because I did something silly in kitchen and she didn’t feel well so I left her house because she clearly wanted to be alone. I asked her if she want me to be with her and she said she is not bothered. Which was hurtful. But I haven’t heard from her for over 24 hours so I swallowed my ego and said that I meant well and I care about her. To which she apologised.
However we got cats recently for her and every time when I address cats as our cats she just says it’s her cats only.
I feel like she is not including me long term… Which kinda sucks…
Before she used to be more involved with me but now I just feel like… I have to step back. I guess I became clingy to some level or I don’t know.
I think me, showing my emotions devalued me in her eyes…
Any comment is welcome.
18 comments
It’s understandable to cry out of compassion when hearing that someone’s gone through something like that. But after she told you about her trauma, who ended up comforting who? Were you focused on her and her feelings, or did she have to take care of you and yours?
When she was telling her story. Was she crying or only you?
Stay strong and go support each other. Best wishes.
Yup. Show her strength. As a man you cannot show too much emotion.
It could be that she feels uncomfortable about you knowing now if you treat her differently. Maybe she’s triggered by talking about it and copes by isolating herself. Whenever I feel depressed I tend to isolate myself and not tell anyone because I don’t want to be a burden to them. I don’t think it’s because you cried, I think she’s been traumatized by the abuse she’s been through and isolation is her coping mechanism. My only advice is to give her space but let her know you’re proud of her for being vulnerable with you and that you love her.
She was probably annoyed she felt like she had to comfort you while she was sharing her trauma.
I don’t think showing emotions was the problem, women want emotionally available men. I think it just seemed like you were making it about you.
Or the words you chose weren’t helpful. Which is understandable, it’s hard to say the right things sometimes.
When somebody’s been abused for a long ass time it’s hard to believe that somebody would care so much about you bc the world has taught you well that you’re *not* important. It causes ppl to push ppl away and sometimes “test” them even subconsciously. It’s unhealthy as hell and she probably can’t help it rn. Is she seeing a trauma focused therapist? It’s gonna take a really long time. You might read about complex ptsd and see if it sounds familiar. Not encouraging arm char diagnosis but if that’s what’s going on with her we need help. Lots of it 😕
I would probably break up with someone if they judged me, a man, for crying. I don’t have time for that shit. It’s 2023.
We need some more details here to actually give any helpful advice I think.
I think overall women want emotionally available men. The idea that men don’t cry is toxic.
But it does seem like maybe you’re doing something else weird. The one comment where someone gave solid advice about how it can be draining and off-putting to have to comfort someone else about your trauma seemed logical and not mean or catastrophic but your reply was to catastrophize the situation immediately going to well I guess I ruined everything then. Nowadays everything is disposable.
Dude what?!?
So first off did she have to comfort you? Did she have to put aside the hurt and trauma she feels about the situation and have to be the one comforting you about her own trauma?
Because that sucks. Hard. And that is not an attractive quality in a partner.
Secondly do you jump to these overblown assumptions often. It’s hard to say because this was just one comment but it made me recoil. This is something I would consider a huge red flag in a man I was dating. You have to tiptoe around people to make sure they don’t overreact and make everything about them in a gross self pitying way. It’s manipulative.
Now to the cats. What exactly was the pretense in which these cats were adopted? Did you talk about adopting the cats together before? Did you pick them out together? Did you discuss who does what for the cats? And now that they are here how do you divide cat care duties?
It is extremely hard and emotionally taxing to share things like this. I have shared similar with partners and have received the cold shoulder, been told it wasn’t that bad, and have had them instead share their own traumas and make the conversation about them. There is no easy way to take in this information but there are a lot of wrong ways, and crying so she has to manage your emotions plus her own is probably one of them. In that moment you needed to show strength, comfort and support so she felt safe.
Give her some space and then bring it up with her on your own accord to show you’ve been thinking about it and look her straight in the face, repeat what you know (to show you were listening) and tell her that you are there for her and that you will keep her safe from experiencing that again. Be strong about it. She just wants to feel safe.
A lot of women will get distant when you show vulnerability like that. Better not to.
You are all over the place. Get a hold of yourself and stop reading the most negative thing into everything you think about.
I had a good friend disclose a violent sexual assault to me last year. In the ensuing days she avoided me because it was so fucking hard to tell me about it that being around me after made her feel raw. The disclosure was re-traumatizing her.
I work in social services and didn’t cry when she told me because I’m trained in how to respond. So your GF might not be reacting to your tears at all.
FIND DAN BACON ON YOU TUBE NOW. Good luck dealing with a woman.
This girl ain’t the one, brother.
A woman wouldn’t judge you over this. She is still far too immature to build a life with.
Let her lose you. You cried because you care so much about her. She’ll date plenty of losers who won’t cry, but don’t care about her. Don’t know what you got til it’s gone. Her loss.
I do not believe that men can’t cry and I do not support those views but I am not your girl snd I have always been an emotionally open man who has always been supported through vulnerability in my marriage and dating life. I think you are putting words in her head personally. Good luck OP
What was the something “silly” in the kitchen, why did you leave the situation rather than just solve the argument, why do you ask loaded questions and get hurt by the answer.
To me this doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with you crying over her past abuse – there are some gaps in this sequence of events
She may have an avoidant attachment style, kinda tell tale signs honestly even in this short paragraph.