I’m a 22F. Whenever I’m hooking up with a guy I’m always focused on their pleasure. I want to please them because I feel like a “failure” if I don’t. There have been multiple occasions that I’ve declined being eaten out or touched because of this. Some of it is self-consciousness. Some of it is knowing they probably won’t achieve what they’re aiming for (and what I’m hoping for) so I just figure I’ll save us some time.
This leads to sex not being too enjoyable for me because I’m not “warmed up”. I don’t like having the focus on me. Even with things like 69ing I don’t like because I can’t focus on my pleasure or pleasing them.
I’m just wondering if there’s a way to get out of this mindset because I DO want to be pleased, I just feel weird asking for it or letting it happen.
7 comments
Id start with exploring yourself. Do you know how to masturbate and bring yourself pleasure? It’s hard to expect a partner to know what to do, if you cant direct them
Practice asking for what you want. Do this alone in front of a mirror, or to the dog. Get used to saying the words out loud, so when you actually have to say them they are more comfortable
Consider talking to someone. A close friend, or a therapist can help reduce the anxiety.
And then transition to asking a partner to do it. You can start small and ask for a single thing during an interaction, but keep increasing your asks and build confidence, until you are where you want to be.
And let a random internet stranger tell you, that you are absolutely deserving of pleasure, and deserve to be able to ask for it, and to have it.
You are 10000% not a failure. It sounds like a confidence thing, but your body itself is worth the pleasure. Why decline the eating out or touched? Don’t limit yourself, these actions could very well get you “warmed up”.
For me 28F, I’ve had to basically instruct certain sexual acts during the moment. Like, “DO NOT STOP UNTIL I SAY SO!” or the innocent “yeah just rub here because it feels 100X better. ” Honesty is important, your pleasure is important, but also don’t undermine what a partner could do for you. Second guessing if they can or will not pleasure you appropriately already sets you back. Give the benefit of the doubt, communicate, and then do it again. And again. And again.
You will find a right person who will take care of you and when you do you will know. Good luck
Get therapy
You might want to consult a therapist and find out exactly why you dont feel worthy of feeling the same pleasure that you enjoy giving to your partner.
I would say this is a combination of low self-esteem + feeling like you have to perform. Here’s a concept that might comfort you: there are lots of men out there that actually get off from pleasing their partners. I think women sometimes feel like their pleasure is a “burden” to their partners. If that man asks to touch you, feel you, please you, it’s because he wants to! I think you’ll have to practice letting it happen and letting yourself enjoy being in the moment.
It kind of sounds like you’re self sabotaging your own pleasure.
A lot of people saying to “explore yourself” which I agree with, but also you’ll never find another person that can please you if you never try.
Sex is something that you learn more
About as you get older. If you get lucky enough to find a worthy partner there is something great about learning about each other.
You’re only 22 so while you’re dating pool is more inexperienced it doesn’t mean they can’t learn or don’t want to pleasure you. And if you can communicate with them you might be surprised as to what someone is able and willing to do for and to you.
Best of luck