What techniques have you used to forgive others? How well does it work for you?

31 comments

  3. I focus on my behaviors and recognize my role(s) considering that is what I have agency over. Toxic dramatic types I remove from my life.

    Consider that we are not our behaviors, all flawed and make mistakes.

    Forgiving ones self is also important.

    It works well for me. YMMV.

  4. i forgive, once but if i have to do that – i will distance myself from them so i do not have to enforce the line ever again. sometimes status quo you can absolutely live with is vastly better than dancing over the line where things went wrong the last time.

  5. When I choose to feel hurt by someone else’s behaviors/words, I’ve been practicing taking five minutes to picture that person as a little baby again. A tiny, innocent, gentle, sweet little baby. In the arms of a parent or caregiver who thought they were the most precious creature alive. They were pure at one time, a source of hope for the future. And then life, big messy life. It gets ahold of all of us. And you know, hurt people hurt people. Anyone who tries to hurt me, has most likely been hurt that way themselves. I believe in Tabula Rasa. And I afford that respect to every single person, even the nastiest of them. Because that baby is still in there somewhere, and I cannot hold a grudge against that. Hurt people hurt people…compassion to their wounds was an invaluable lesson for me. While their words/actions may sting me? That’s just them leaking their own pain, and that makes me sad for them. Not pity, but empathy…it goes a long way and saves me from being a bitter hateful human.

    Edit: I am SO SORRY. Just noticed what sub this was in. I’m sorry I’m half blind! Lol

  6. You can ask me for forgiveness or you can ask me for a favour, you do not get both so choose wisely

  8. Forgiveness for me comes with understanding. Can I understand why they behaved the way they did? How would I react if I was presented with similar circumstances? Being aware that you are dealing with another equally complicated human being, with intricate likes, dislikes and stressors helps as well.

  9. Looking back at my own behaviour at the time helps put it in context if it’s in the past

  11. learn to stop caring
    itll be easy to forgive people if you dont care about what they did

  12. “I’ve forgiven you. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed at you. I will be for a while.”

    This phrase has been a godsend. Just because they said they were sorry doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have emotions. Being able to admit that you are able to forgiven while till getting to hold onto your anger is a powerful effect.

  13. I view them all as peasants who simply don’t know better. As a superior being, it is beneath me to hold a grudge against an insect.

    Heathy? Probably not. But effective

  14. Forgiveness means you have forgone recompense. If you forgive a debt, you’re saying you no longer need the person to repay you. If you’re seeking revenge, it means you’ve ceased to do so and will move on. That doesn’t mean you have to like the other person or continue dealing with them or forget who they are.

  15. 4th-9th steps of AA helped me a lot. I found my part in every resentment and recognized that the sole common denominator between all of my negative feelings was my perception of what transpired, and universally that I either (a) was dishonest with them (often by omission, not communicating what I needed), (b) was being selfish about my material possessions, (c) was being self-seeking and putting my needs above theirs, or (d) did not give ample consideration to their situation/perception/feelings. When I completed this process, I realized in most cases I needed forgiveness as much as they did, and even when they were clearly the worse offender, I understood my part and that I could only be responsible for my side of the street. Cleaning your side of the street often opens others up to cleaning theirs as well (but don’t allow this to become the expectation. You can’t control them and it will only hurt you more).

    It’s impossibly easy to miss that other people have the exact same depth of emotion as you. They have complex wants/needs just as you do. They have their insecurities and flaws just as you have yours. And it’s important to remember that forgiveness is just as much for you to be able to move forward as it is for them. I’ve heard it said “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the person you’re mad at will die from it.”

    Life is much, much better when you’re not hung up on every small (or large) transgression against you. Forgiveness is self-care.

  18. I just remember – everyone makes mistakes.
    even if someone intended to do me wrong, they could have just misjudged me.
    And if they are paing something forward, it seems a good idea to end the cycle on me.

  19. Be quick to forgive, but slow to forget.

    Just move on with your life, but don’t let that person back into any kind of position that they could leverage to wrong you again.

  21. Realizing that I can forgive them, but maintain boundaries that I’m comfortable with all the same.

  23. Depend if it’s not severe, nothing, I don’t old a grudge against them.

    If it is then ill be more careful about them. More mistrustful about them

  24. My grandfather is very into self-help, it became a guiding light and inspiration for him after he recovered from a freak accident that should have killed him. One bit of advice he gave me that stuck with me is this:

    When you forgive someone, don’t do it for *them*, do it for yourself. This sounds counterproductive at first, because obviously when you forgive someone you’re absolving them of their guilt or wrongdoing, right? But you’re not God, you can’t do that, and neither can you control what anyone else thinks or feels. So when you forgive someone, do it so you can let go of that burden and hurt that you have, so you can let it go and forget about it. This is also helpful if you can’t interact with them directly.

    It’s not to say that you shouldn’t also do it for them, if your forgiveness is what they want from you, but in reality you should be doing it for yourself as well. This has helped me let go of things that I cannot truly get closure on for one reason or another.

  25. I have found that most things that people do that would require my forgiveness have not been done out of spite, which makes it very easy to move past. When somebody has treated me with spite, forgiving them won’t mean shit until they ask for it. Then it’s always simpler tonjust forgive and forget.

  26. 1) Set reasonable *boundaries* first.

    Then work on forgiveness after you’ve established firm boundaries that give you peace of mind when you’re at home.

    Forgiveness is futile when there are almost no boundaries with the toxic person or people in your life.

    2) Make a list of potential toxic people in your life. Note what behavior towards or around you makes them toxic. This needs to be where they were agressive assholes or seriously disrespectful assholes in a recurring way. Only one instance of a certain kind of agressive assholerery should be forgivable, for the most part. Several should warrant reconsidering the relationship.

    Also note that mere ignorance or apathy doesn’t make one toxic. I mean, bad will or bad-faith.

    3) Decide which family members make you the most tense and aggravated.

    Decide which parent or parental figure you like least due to aggression, self-obsession and/or disrespect.

    Then decide at which level of distance you’ll need from them relax and not be irritated at them daily.

    Of course, once doesn’t simply stop being angry and resentful of one’s parents, but one need not be reminded of their

    4) Decide if your current SO has more than, say, two agressive or disrespectful asshole habits that makes you not trust them.

    If you would hesitate to ask them to take off work, come over and hold your hand because the dentist told you he needed to pull a molar immediately, or your mom died accidentally….. If you suspect your SO might be selfish, dramatic, resentful, or mean in that situation, then breakup or divorce may be a good boundary for you.

  27. Pray for the other person’s well being and happiness. It seems counterintuitive, but it works

  28. I remind myself that I will have to carry the weight if I don’t forgive.

    And then I ask myself what’s so wrong with forgiveness that I shouldn’t do it. Usually pride, insecurity or ego.

  29. I’ve always felt as though you find forgiveness through acceptance. People suck. Everyone has problems and everyone deals with their problems in different ways. Who am I (an equally sucky person dealing with problems) to say that how they are acting is the wrong way? What do I know? All I can do is control how I react to my surroundings. I’ll either accept this person into my life how they are, or I’ll accept this person as a fellow human that I share this planet with. It’s all about adjusting your boundaries and what you find acceptable to allow in your life. Everyone has different limits, just be true to your happiness and be cautious of the rest. Anger and resentment are just manifestations of our ego protecting itself. You gotta let that shit go, everything is temporary, focus on things that bring you calmness and joy. Be water my friend

  30. 1st: You have made mistakes and you regret it. You are not perfect. Therefor if others show remorse sincerely and demonstrate change a result then you should forgive them as you would like to be forgiven.

    2nd: Free will is an illusion. Our actions are governed by our subconscious and our biology. We are the way we are for reasons out of our control. Example. There are ppl who are far smarter than you, can you be as smart as they are? If not, why not? You have a brain and the same materials, and yet you still recognise your limitations. The same applies not just with intelligence but with aggression, empathy, compassion, etc. We dont have control over these things.

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