I have literally always identified as gay and had zero interest in women until recently. This past year I started to realize that I am bisexual but haven’t really seen myself being in a relationship with a woman. I generally prefer men, my only previous relationship was with a man, and I have had all of my sexual encounters with men. I’ve been with all types of guys in lots of different situations, so I’d consider myself pretty experienced with men. It’s been a little nerve-wracking thinking about moving away from a strictly homosexual identity but I figured I would have lots of time to adjust and navigate it since I don’t have very deep attraction for women, nor do I experience it frequently.
Last semester, I started grad school on the other side of the country. There is a woman in my program who started at the same time. Last semester we hung out with mutual friends a few times and it was fun but I didn’t really know her that well. This semester she is in two of my classes and has started playing pub trivia with me and two of my (straight male) friends. She’s super fucking smart and very pretty. I’ve started to realize that I really like her and want to try dating her, but quite frankly, girls scare me. I’m not sure if she knows me as gay or bisexual since I usually just call myself gay, but when she once referred to me as gay I said “I’m like a four on the Kinsey scale” because for some reason I didn’t feel like I could just fucking say I’m bisexual. I know she is attracted to men. She is very open to spending time with me and has studied and eaten lunch with me when I’ve asked her, plus she’s asked me if she could join our trivia night before. She laughs at almost everything I say, which I know is supposed to be a sign of interest but I haven’t seen how she interacts with men outside of our trivia team, so I don’t know if that’s just how she is.
I know women are just people and direct communication still works perfectly fine, but I’m just really nervous. I don’t know how to flirt very well with men, much less women. I would feel REALLY bad if she finds me non-threatening because she thinks I’m gay and then I turn around and hit on her. I also don’t want to make classes awkward. But I also really like her. I know she’s actively dating, so I would hate to miss my chance because I couldn’t figure out what to do or how to explain my sexuality. What do I do!?!?
TL;DR For the last five years I have been confidently gay but my sexuality is more fluid than I thought and I met a woman I want to be with a lot sooner than I thought I would. I don’t know how to navigate explaining this situation to her and asking her out.
3 comments
I think that since she might be under the impression you only like men and consider yourself gay, you might want to casually let her know that you are in fact bisexual and that you are attracted to women BEFORE you actively ask her out, you know? Be much more clear about it. Flirt and let her know you think she’s attractive etc. and then shoot your shot.
Good luck. This sounds like it could be really great!
My dude. Ask her on a date.
You’re so stressed about how you’re going to run five miles, it’s not occurred to you to just begin walking.
Maybe you’ll fuck it up. Maybe she’ll fuck it up. Maybe she won’t be interested. Maybe it won’t work out. Maybe it will. These are all normal concerns you’d have with any romance – it’s only the little details that are different.
You’re not asking her to marry you. Do it over text if you’re worried – “Hey, no pressure, but I think you’re cute. Do you want to go on a date sometime? Maybe to <x>?”
If she says no, “No problem, I’m fine with just being friends.” And then you actually mean that and stick to it.
She might be mildly confused if she thought you were gay, but asking her out is a pretty fast way to demonstrate that you’re bi.
It’s sweet that you’re worrying about this, but you’re not an asshole, and you’re not bothering her. Just go do the thing.
Study fetish is a new one.