I apologise in advance if this isn’t coherent, I’m running on very little sleep.
So I (21F) have been dating my gf (also 21F) for a bit over a year and we’ve been sexually active for most of it. I can make her orgasm really quickly but I like to slow it down and put a lot of effort into it so it’s really good for her. However, whenever my gf tries to return the favour, it’s never actually worked. I thought it was an issue with turning me on, so I’ve explained numerous times what to do to turn me on, even going so far as to write out specific scenarios, but she just seems to be quite unwilling to try it out. I understood for a long time because this is both of our first relationship but it’s been ages and we’re incredibly close now.
I act like it’s not a huge deal (which it isn’t really, but it would be nice to receive instead of giving all the time) and we joke about it but it bothers me sometimes. It’s starting to feel quite one-sided and like I’m always left high and dry. She’s always super eager to make me orgasm but when it comes down to it she just kind of sits there like a lost puppy. Early on she said it was a confidence thing, but we’ve become super comfortable with each other, and then she was saying that she gets tired easily, or that she doesn’t know what to do. Now she’s saying that she’s just a really big submissive type. I love her a lot and definitely am not looking to break it off, so is there any advice? We’ve talked about an open relationship but neither of us are comfy with that. I’m worried that she may actually be completely submissive and won’t ever be able to make me finish.
14 comments
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If someone isn’t trying, they generally (not always) just don’t want to/care.
The fact that you state you have communicated your needs and she hasn’t fulfilled those or at least tried her best to, communicates lack of interest.
It sounds very one sided. Maybe not a good match for you.
I wish you the best of luck! A non satisfied need can and will become a wedge. Hope it works out for you!!
Do you give her instructions while she is giving you oral? And if yes, does she follow them?
I would be trying to get her to give you oral. I would try slow and gentle stimulation, unless you know something else works better, of course.
I don’t know, get drunk and tell her to go crazy. It would be fun anyway but, she’s clearly messed about something. Like she isn’t always doing like you asked her to. Prolly she’s thinking “if it’s the right thing to do” or more like “am I good with this”
Have you tried making it more a dom/sub submissive situation where she is responsible for doing exactly what you say (and making you cum)? Maybe she’d have an easier time following the directions with some power play?
I am completely submissive and pleasing my partner is my #1 priority, more than getting off myself. Being submissive has nothing to do with it. Maybe she needs you to tell her what to do while you’re having sex? I love taking orders from my partners as a part of being submissive. I want my dom to tell me what they want me to do to get them off, it’s a turn on.
Edit: If you haven’t yet, might be a good idea to incorporate toys so she doesn’t have to worry about rhythm and stamina, just using it in the right place.
Are you sure she actually really cares all that much? Or is she just letting you think she does to keep you on the hook? Is she backing her words up with actions? In my experience, some people are just kind of selfish and lazy in bed, and they tend to have a rotating list of excuses. I highly doubt that the core issue is her submissiveness, it sounds like she just doesn’t prioritize your pleasure. If she can’t even communicate properly or follow clear instructions, I doubt there’s much hope here.
It’s not that hard to figure out what to do, and she’s had plenty of time to figure it out. Someone that genuinely cares about your pleasure is gonna do research and communicate and experiment and do what you tell them to do. If she gets tired then she can power through it to build stamina.
This is your first relationship. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. In my experience, this kind of thing isn’t something that improves with time unless there are clear indicators they’re trying, which I’m not seeing. Being with another giver that can reciprocate your efforts is 1000% more satisfying.
You have to communicate. Even in this post you’re dismissing your own feelings/needs. You need to explicitly lay it out that you need your needs met if she wants her needs met – sex is a mutual exchange of pleasure, not one sided.
Erase chasing an orgasm. Spend time just on foreplay – specifically focused on your arousal. If she can’t manage that bare minimum – I’d call that the final sign of relationship incompatibility unless you want a one sided pillow pet.
Not her job. You are responsible for you.
I (24f) reallyyyyyyyy freaking hope that men and women know that you do not have to settle for stuff like this. I’m really not trying to encourage OP to leave her gf. I’m just trying to make it clear that there are plenty of people out there that will actually give a crap about your sexual needs. And they are needs. Some people these days act like it’s a huge burden. Generally speaking a woman knows if she’s high libido or low libido based on how much she masturbates or thinks about sex. You should probably know that this isn’t something gross or creepy IMO to have a conversation with your potential SO before committing to a relationship. Sex is extremely important. You should not have to sacrifice or make compromises. It’s worth a conversation before making long term commitments about what your expectations are especially when it comes to sex, i.e. if you want sex 5 times a day, kinks, hard boundaries, etc.
Edit: inclusive language
Edit: Ah, you two are both women. Somehow missed that part.
What do you mean, she can’t make you? Sounds like she has done everything she can but ultimately it’s a problem with you. Either you have a medical issue or you just aren’t turned on enough by her.
Ok. This IS a big deal and don’t let fools tell you otherwise. A satisfying sex life is a VERY important part of a relationship.
You say she is super eager to make you orgasm but that’s not even close to being true. She’s super eager for you to orgasm with no effort from HER. Two very different things.
She’s lazy and doesn’t care about your pleasure. Stop pleasuring her…you are just reenforcing bad behavior and teaching her it’s ok to use people.
You likely are not sexually compatible. No matter how much you love her, how amazing she is in other ways, she will not make you happy in the long run.
Get her to actually participate and get you there, or move on and just be friends.