Me (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for two years now and in that span of years he’s been unemployed and also gotten his first “big boy” job.
The issue is that he will literally use up our last money to pay for a coworker’s coffee, or bring expensive desserts for birthdays. We cannot afford that, I lost my job and have been having a hard time finding a new one, we are literally surviving off of his minimum wage pay check to pay check and have two dogs.
One time we had 20€ to survive off for the next two weeks, well, his name day came up and he bought a box of sweets to bring to his office, costing him 19€.
I had to ask my mom for a little loan just to stock up on dry goods.
Onto what happened today: I had gone shopping and before going I told him that if he wants me to send him some money for a coffee or a lunch that now is the time to ask, he said no.
Ever since struggling, I started budgeting and withdrawing money to keep away. So I had 15€ to shop with, I did so and had 3€ left. I was happy since I thought I could put it away for now and get dog snacks tomorrow.
Well, my boyfriend starts spamming about me sending him 2-4€, that it’s urgent, I asked him why would he need it if he had enough for coffee and lunch last time? I sent him my last money and kept asking. After giving me multiple bs excuses about “not knowing the price, he’s stupid and REALLY needing coffee” he finally said why he urgently needed the money.
His female coworker had texted him to get him a coffee as well while he was ordering his. This man knew well that he has enough only for his coffee, stupidly agreed. Because he “is also a person and he does have an image to everyone and it matters to him”
This is slowly driving me insane, no matter how broke he is, he just spends it on his coworkers. I’ve given him examples of how to reject such requests without screaming “i’m broke,” yet even saying “sorry I didn’t bring enough for two coffees” is somehow humiliating?
Otherwise he’s lovely, and he does not overspend – not on himself, not on me or our dogs.
Any advice?
3 comments
Boyfriend is overcompensating to keep his co-workers happy at then expense of him and his girlfriends financials.
It seems like he was unemployed for so long that he has a fear of becoming unemployed again so he’s buying the friendships he has with his co-workers.
Can you possibly start working yourself?
Give yourself financial independence because at the end of the day, it doesn’t seem like he thinks this is a problem and if you two break up, what are you gonna do?
Personally, my first step would be look for jobs for yourself and have a chat to him about budgeting.
Second step would be asking him to set healthy boundaries around his co-workers. If his leaving to go on a coffee run, does he know that he doesn’t need to actually ask anyone if they want anything? Is anyone repaying him with coffee after he got them coffee?
Third, if this doesn’t get resolved, leave.
Find a bf who is not an idiot. Phrase it exactly that way. Rent comes first.
So he’ll buy his female coworker coffee, but is ok with his girlfriend not having dry goods to eat for two weeks. This sounds pathological, and that’s a generous read of the situation. He doesn’t care about his financials with you because he knows he can fuck that up and neglect his responsibilities as much as he wants and you won’t do anything, but he is very invested in having these people like him. It’s not about fear of losing his job, let’s be clear. It’s about being liked.
Why is he not as concerned that you continue to like him? Respect him? Etc. He needs to grow up and decide who is more important.