Long story short I’ve been feeling neglected by my spouse and numerous events of his actions have lead me to do the unthinkable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming his actions for what I did. But it did make me feel a certain way, that It was making my eyes wander. I need attention and if I was t getting it from him, I was going to find it else where.
I cheated on him.
Of course he eventually found out. But he’s processing and wants to move past this. One thing to help him move forward is for him to be able to cheat on me. He wants to rent an escort for an hour. We have both been together since teenagers, and I was feeling like I was missing out and wanted to experience another sexual partner, and now he says he wants the same. I agreed to his request as I want him to be able to heal, but is this wrong? Will it just make things worse?
4 comments
An escort is probably a bad idea, for the health issues if nothing else. I mean, I doubt he’s going to seek someone with a medical testing history to present. But even then, adding other people to a marriage in trouble isn’t how you fix a marriage.
Sex isn’t the solution here. As you noted, it didn’t really help your situation. It won’t help his, either. What you need to do is get to marriage counseling.
Now, it may be that you two conclude that you want an open relationship in some form. That’s fine. But that’s something you have to agree to, after much deliberation about how it will work. And even then, it may not address the underlying issues of attention that started all this.
You may both want to read the book *After the Affair*, by Janis Spring. She wrote it for people dealing with infidelity, both the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner. Sometimes, there are assumptions and misunderstandings about how relationships work, that contribute to the unfaithful partner’s decision to have an affair. It is possible for a couple to come back from that, but it take a mutual desire to rebuild the trust and intimacy, and it may require behavior changes on both sides.
Marriage counseling would be even better. There’s not enough information in your post to know what all was involved in this situation.
>Long story short I’ve been feeling neglected by my spouse and numerous events of his actions have lead me to do the unthinkable.
+
> I’m not blaming his actions for what I did.
Um, you did blame him for your actions. Why did you think cheating on him would fix his neglect of you? I’m not sure I see the thought process there, can you explain? Cheating is abusing your spouse, so it’s not clear to me how doing that to him is supposed to make him want to work on the relationship with you.
>But it did make me feel a certain way, that It was making my eyes wander. I need attention and if I was t getting it from him, I was going to find it else where.
You **want** attention, you don’t **need** it. If you’re going to cheat for it then it’s probably the case that he couldn’t satisfy your attention seeking anyway.
When you made him feel a certain way – say after an argument – do you think that justifies him cheating on you? If not, then why do you feel entitled to cheat on him?
>Of course he eventually found out. But he’s processing and wants to move past this.
What’s the time frame here? Did this just happen? This sounds like rug sweeping, which means you two won’t heal and you’ll most likely do it again.
>One thing to help him move forward is for him to be able to cheat on me. He wants to rent an escort for an hour.
That’s not going to fix the relationship either, however from your post you seem to believe that cheating helps address deficiencies in marriages, so maybe?
>We have both been together since teenagers, and I was feeling like I was missing out and wanted to experience another sexual partner, and now he says he wants the same. I agreed to his request as I want him to be able to heal, but is this wrong? Will it just make things worse?
It’s not addressing the actual issue – you both seem to be under the allusion that abusing the other one some how addresses ‘needs’ in a relationship. My advice would be to get to individual counseling and find out why you felt entitled to your husband’s mental anguish and he should go to counseling in order to figure out how to heal. Going to an escort won’t fix the destruction you caused to the relationship nor will it help him get over the trauma you inflicted.
I think this is a bad idea… what are your plans in the path of healing…. if you don’t have one then stop and start figuring that out.
Second its not his fault you needed attention and looked for it elsewhere… still not his fault tho you try to blame him for you lack of attention and you have deeper issues. You need to start working with a therapist to understand what happened in your childhood that caused you to need attention and validation so much… Did your parents not show you enough love or where you emotionally abandoned. Either way its still your fault 100%… attention or not
What you did will kill this marriage. Even if he does fuck a fancy hooker. What you did was the death of it. Now anything after is just window dressing. Cheaters deserve the mess they create. No amount of neglect deserves this.
Pretend it is before you destroyed the marriage and cheater. Before that part. Pretend you TALKED with him and told him exactly how far gone things were and what you NEEDED. BEFORE you did the thing you promised never to do. Do you think things would have changed? Maybe? But now what do you think will happen?
I hope for his sake the escort is so much better in bed than you it opens his eyes and he leaves your selfish ass forever.