My husband let’s his emotions take hold of him often. Sometimes he takes something I said or did wrong and I immediately apologize and explain my intentions and tell him I love him and would never intentionally try to hurt him or be cold to him. But he won’t let it go. I told him today how it makes me feel. That I feel like he just wants to hold onto it and be upset at me and it feels disrespectful.
He admitted that he feels like when he’s the one upset and I’m apologizing that he’s winning. I feel like he treats me like it’s him against me. Not us against the problem.
He will get mad and keep repeating how he feels and what I did wrong even when I’m crying my eyes out to him and apologizing. He just looks at me so hateful and I feel like an annoyance. I sometimes feel like he wants me to feel bad just because of how he THOUGHT I meant something. I feel like it could be resolved easily once I explain the mishap.
I’ve found myself getting worked up to having panic attacks during these blowups. I feel emotionally overwhelmed and I feel like he beats it into me where I fucked up and it gets to me. He doesn’t hit me or anything but he says little hurtful things that dig at me and they’ve all built up to me feeling shitty in general. BUT after I reach the point of panicking he will start treating me kind and hold me and try to calm me down. Why not treat me kind when I’m simply crying? all he does before I have a panic attack is look at me while I’m sobbing and explaining that I would never mean to hurt him.
Here’s what happened yesterday:
We were in a store and he thought the salesman was bullshitting us and said a few curse words to the man. He was calm but rude and I was quietly like “hey” to make him realize what he was saying and then he got on the phone with a lady about a product we were buying and thought she got an attitude so he got one and I was like “babe!” quietly again.
We got in the car and I was still emotionally down. not upset or anything. Just not feeling good anymore. Just not in a happy affectionate mood and he said he was upset that he kept trying to be affectionate to me and I wasn’t reciprocating. But I was just feeling bad that the whole vibe wasn’t as happy as earlier. It just put me in a reclusive mood.
He said I was acting like he was in the wrong. I told him no I don’t think that. Maybe the salesman was bullshitting us. Maybe the lady did get an attitude. But you control your own happiness and how you treat others. People are just shitty sometimes but just go on and enjoy your life.
I’ve noticed he gets angry with strangers quickly. He doesn’t just yell or anything, but he does get snippy really quickly.
I used to bounce back emotionally and just go back to normal but lately it’s been harder to do. I feel like I’m burning out emotionally.
I told him i felt this way and he didn’t deny it was abuse. He just said he’s sorry I felt like that. I’m not asking if I should stay or who’s right. I just want to know if it sounds like verbal/emotional abuse. Feel free to give those opinions too if you have them, though.
I want a fair opinion because if I’m wrong I can handle that and apologize.
EDIT: He always apologizes and treats me with respect when it’s been a little while and he’s level headed again. It’s just like he can’t see how damaging he’s being in the moment.
TL;DR- Husband gets upset a lot, I have panic attacks over our altercations, I’m emotionally burning out. Is this a form of abuse? Why is he like this over things?
9 comments
Your husband has some serious anger management issues, not to mention he sounds downright pathological.
Why do you need a reason? He’s abusive and you need to leave.
Yes, this sounds like emotional abuse. This in particular is very troublesome:
>He admitted that he feels like when he’s the one upset and I’m apologizing that he’s winning.
It seems like he very consciously tries to push you to the point of breakdown so that he can maintain his status as the dominant one in the relationship. He does not care if you are hurting, as long as he is the boss. That is a truly terrible trait to have in a partner. On top of that he seems to have some anger problems, and this just isn’t a good place to be.
I would strongly consider whether or not spending your life with somebody who treats you like this is going to be good for you and give you a happy life.
I think it’s telling that he said he prefers when he’s angry and you’re apologizing because he feels like he’s “winning”.
He needs anger management, this is abusive to you.
Full out that is abusive and unhealthy. He needs to get therapy to deal with that. Even when my SO has 100% done something wrong and I am massively hurt…I don’t want to make him cry and feel like crap. Personally I’d find his apologies and “respect” fake at that point.
Definitely abusive. He needs to get help for his issues, and the fact that he likes the feeling of “winning” in this way while arguing with you is disturbing. How is making your wife cry a “win”? He treats arguments like a game, and this is unhealthy for both of you.
Abuse is a strong word. He’s an asshole, absolutely. I wouldn’t say this goes into abuse, but does it really need to?
It sounds like you are doing double duty by managing both your husband’s emotions and also the situations that trigger his overly emotional responses.
He needs to take a step back and recognize that he needs anger management therapy. You can’t keep going on like this, you will eventually burn out emotionally.
Bring this up with your husband when he is calm and receptive to feedback, and set small goals under the guidance of a therapist to help him regain control of his emotions.