In a long term relationship, sex was amazing at the beginning, my bf was always horny when he saw me, always wanted to bend me over at every opportunity. It was fun and exciting. We had sex on a daily basis, sometimes twice or three times a day. Now after a couple of years, our sex life died. We went through stages where we were having sex 3 times a week to once every 2 weeks to maybe once a month.
Discussed it many times and was always told that ‘we would work on it’. But a few months ago, I found out that he had been cheating on me for half the relationship (from the day sex started to diminish). It has been rocky since the day I found out but I have chosen to work on our relationship and try to move on from it. I know what everyone will say that I need to leave etc. but I have chosen to give him another chance because despite the cheating, he was still very good to me minus our sex life. He has been trying to make amends since. However, sex has been very difficult. Of course I am still dealing with all the painful thoughts and memories, so sex is now is now very sensitive.
He claims and promises me that he still loves me and is attracted to me, now and even during all throughout the cheating (messed up I know). But I don’t feel like he truly is… although he has tried to make amends here and there to make it up to me, I still feel like I can never give him the same feeling he got by chasing hookups and sexting randomers. He doesn’t seem to get hard when I walk around naked in front of him, he doesn’t care for any sexy pictures I send to him, he can’t get hard after a night out when he was able to do so all those times he was cheating. He claims he gets whisky dick and goes floppy after alcohol and drugs but he was able to get hard with all those other girls? Is it just a lost cause for me? I already feel so shit when I think about what he did, but even more so now that he doesn’t try to rip my clothes off when he sees me naked or trying it with him. He says its because we have been together for 3 years now so it’s ‘normal’ but is it?
11 comments
GOD made beauty in each of us,do not let anyone make you feel less worthy or negative. Stand strong and chin up 😉
I dont think its normal after what he has done to you if he still found you sexy and attractive he would be doing what you would expect i know you said you’d give him another chance but id get out of the realationship you shouldn’t be made to feel inadequate he should make you feel wanted and loved he shouldn’t of cheated on you he needs his head screwing on
I have a friend who was in a situation like yours, and she chose to stay because other than the cheating and lack of sex, “he was good to her.” Fast forward 15 years later and they live as close friends, but haven’t had sex for a decade. She’s pretty sure he’s seeing other people but doesn’t want to rock the boat because she put on 100 lbs due to feeling unattractive and depressed and now thinks no one will want her at her age and weight. She’s a wonderful person and deserves so much better IMO.
It sounds like he’s not being honest with you about anything at all. He cheated on you, and now he’s not addressing the changes in your sex life. If you really want to try to stay with him, you should do couples therapy. But honestly, I don’t see this working out and you may be better off cutting your losses now.
I’m sorry. I imagine this has more to do with him than with you. You deserve better and there are lots of people out there who could make you feel wanted again.
The fundamental problem is that infidelity destroys our basic sense of trust, right?
And because trust is very hard to rebuild, our tendency is to view different events or actions through a lens of doubt rather than a lens of trust.
For example, when you have trust in someone and they have trouble getting it up and they say “it’s because I’m just really tired today“ you are much more likely to believe that and not think anything of it.
If you’re wearing a lens of doubt, the exact same situation now feels different. You begin to worry about whether or not they’re attracted to you or whatever else.
Again: same exact situation, two different ways of looking at it and arriving at very different conclusions.
So, even if you have agreed to give him a second chance that doesn’t mean that you have been able, as a couple, to restore trust in your relationship, and therefore you will view things through a lens of doubt, probably for years to come. Some people can never get back that sense of trust.
You need to ask yourself as I’m sure you have been: is it worth it?
Personally, I don’t think any relationship is worth sacrificing your self-esteem over. I’m not trying to discount three years as being insignificant but plenty of people can, and will be in relationships that last a few years and then end for whatever reason. If you’re staying in this, then, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons not because you feel like you can’t do better or because “it was very good, except for the infidelity.” There is a world of “very good” relationships that people can find. Is this one so special to put yourself through this process of rebuilding trust?
I think before you go any further, you need to get a honest answer about WHY he chose to cheat. I’m not going to judge and gonna assume he’s a horrible person. People cheat for a reason. When guys cheat, women automatically assume he’s a pig and it was “for sex”. While this may be true, it’s lower on the list of reasons. You 2 need to figure out why. It may be due to a reason that’s not fixable. It may be fixable though. It may not be fixable, and in this case it’s probably best for you two to move on. But he needs to be honest why he did it. If the issue isn’t fixed, he WILL cheat again. You should read State of Affairs by Ester Perel.
Time to let the relationship die now
I’ve been with my wife since 12th grade. We are 34 now and I get hard just when he brushes up against me. 3 Years is nothing
Stay with someone who cheated with you basically during thr entire relationship. He should live with that and now you have to take on that burden of knowing. Honestly i would not stay with someone who lied and was that deceptive. You deserve better
He cheated because he is a boy / not a man. Leave him. You can do better. Cannot do worse.
Hi, I’m in a similar situation. I am staying, I love him. He treats me like a Queen. Other than what happened, he’s been nothing but a prince.
After, I found out what happened I evaluated our sex lives. He’s been super adventurous, open, experienced, and im sure kinky. However, me I’ve only been with two men that’s counting him. So, I feel exactly how you feel. Idk if it’s the correct word but I feel stupid sometimes. I have promised myself that whatever he wanted to try I would try even if it meant a little pain or being uncomfortable. This concept somehow helps my brain understand what happened, it also helps me with my fear of losing him again.
Did he confess to you, or did you discover it independently? If he confessed on his own before you knew, he’s actually trying to save the relationship. If not, he’s just sorry he got caught and is finding a new way to lie to you.