The background is that I had a pretty chaotic upbringing. Parents divorced, mum was a disaster on multiple fronts, dad had a new family which I was reluctantly added to. Teenage years were a wild ride. Throughout all this stuff one of my dad’s friends (who was also the dad of one of my sister’s friends) was just always super supportive. Not in a creepy way at all, but he was just always nice to me and he wrote me a letter of recommendation to help me get into university and helped me get my first internship.
We’ve stayed in touch and we live in the same city. I text him when I need advice. We have lunch a couple of times a year. I borrowed £500 from him one time (which I paid back) when I went overdrawn. He sends me £50 and a card on my birthday. It’s really nice.
This has never been anything other than platonic and he’s never been in the slightest bit creepy or weird with me. If I’m honest then I do suspect there is an attraction on his side, but he’s never acted on it and never done anything to make me feel uncomfortable and I genuinely don’t think that’s why he’s interested in me: I think he just likes my company and wants to see me do well. I really value him and he’s been a massive positive influence on my life.
My boyfriend – who I’ve been with six months – thinks this is complete shit and he’s just trying to sleep with me and I shouldn’t see him any more. He doesn’t like that we are “intimate” in our text messages (we put xx at the end of our messages which btw my BF does with literally every female he knows) and thinks it’s weird that I see him for lunch by myself (I’m 25, I’m allowed out).
I’m also now getting pissed off because it feels like my bf is saying nobody could want to be friends with me unless they want to sleep with me and I feel like I’m having to sneak around and be paranoid about who I’m getting a text from in case he gets pissed off when I haven’t done anything wrong.
42 comments
Men that think like this are either projecting or insecure. Either way, if I were you I would find this unacceptable in a partner.
Sounds your your boyfriend causes more harm than good here. From the way you described it everything sounds okay and I don’t think he would do anything anyway because he would have to answer to your father. The only thing strange here is him giving you money, ask your father instead. Is your fathers friend part of a mentorship program?
Dump the boyfriend. Tell him your mentor has been in your life a lot longer than he has.
Time for a new boyfriend. Relationships are best when they aren’t focused on control and ownership of the other person
This guy is practically a father figure to you. It’s supremely creepy that your boyfriend won’t let go of the idea that he is interested in you sexually. Tell him that he needs to stop it. You don’t need to put up with that
Your bf has a point. You acknowledge that the older man is attracted to you, so you have to admit that the guy would most likely make a move if you showed the slightest interest.
Be that as it may, your bf needs to chill. If he trusts you, then it doesn’t matter what the older man’s intentions might be. It might help your bf get over his suspicions if you introduced them or maybe invited your bf to lunch one time.
Is it possible your boyfriend is picking up on something you may not see?
I would be concerned because you may be a little naive to this man’s intentions. Something happened to indicate to you there is an attraction on his end.
If you were my sister I would also have a lot of questions. Unless it’s purely business (writing “xx” in text doesn’t indicate that it is) something’s off with a 52 year old man keeping in contact, loaning money, and having lunches with you. Its not a normal dynamic.
Who else does he “mentor” or do these things with? Is your sister or his daughter ever involved in these lunches? How old were you when this started? Where is his wife/gf?
Ultimately you need to really think and evaluate this friendship for your own sake.
Sorry but I’ll always side with the side eying partner (M or F) on this topic when one specific person is tagged as a threat.
>I’m honest then I do suspect there is an attraction on his side
Now I’m definitely sure your bf’s radar is correct, it takes very little to pick up on a guy that is interested in your partner and i expect women can say exactly the same.
Decision time for me, one has to go
Well, there is one person you shouldn’t see anymore but it isn’t your mentor.
>If I’m honest then I do suspect there is an attraction on his side,
You literally just said that you think your boyfriend is somewhat right.
>but he’s never acted on it and never done anything
Good.
>to make me feel uncomfortable
Very good.
>and I genuinely don’t think that’s why he’s interested in me: I think he just likes my company and wants to see me do well.
C’mon. You’re 25. Sure you’re ‘allowed’ out, but you’re admitting this older friend of your dad is attracted to you, gives you money, and takes you out on non-romantic dates.
Your boyfriend is picking up on something you just don’t want to admit. It’s fine as long as you’re honest about it. He hasn’t done anything, and you’re benefiting from the currently platonic relationship.
Just be careful is all. I’m your father’s age, I suspect, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be sending my buddy’s daughter (who is about your age) money and taking her out on 1-1 lunches. Again, not that there’s anything de-facto *wrong* with it… it’s just approaching areas that could go sideways very quickly, so be careful.
Do what you want. Just don’t expect your partner(s) to sit there on the sidelines and like it… just like they can’t control you doing it, you can’t insist that they be fine with it, either.
>If I’m honest then I do suspect there is an attraction on his side
lmao. You’re getting angry at your boyfriend for correctly sizing up the situation. Poor guy, hope he gets out of this dumpster fire relationship soon.
Info: is this friend married? Would he interact with you this way in front of your parents /boyf?
Just because he’s told old for you doesn’t mean he sees it that way. I think your boyfriend may be right on this one.
Hate to say this OP but your bf is in the right on with the aspect to feel the way he does when he see’s someone 30 years older than both of you that is attracted to you.
Your bf isn’t acting out of insecurity or something alarming in regards to him making something up and you even know this when you, yourself admitted that you have a feeling he’s attracted to you.
I could only imagine if the roles were switched.
Everything your boyfriend is saying is accurate and you even admitted it was so lol
Girl…??? Come on. He may not be TRYING to sleep with you, but he’s on deck if things change.
Oh but he is. You just haven’t shown him the opportunity to do so has arisen.
Ignore the white knights excusing this nonsense. This isn’t a mentor it’s a fucking predator. Your boyfriend sees this so don’t gaslight him.
He needs to go if he’s trying to control who you talk to…. even worse it’s so early on! Just drop him and go find something better! It won’t be hard by the sounds of it lol
You even admit you think he’s attracted to you. Just because you say nothing won’t happen doesn’t make it strange from your partners perspective.
Would you like your BF attending meals with a woman who liked him romantically?
You’re well within your rights to do whatever you like here but you’ve admitted that your BFs suspicions are correct yet you’re not happy with how he’s dealing with things? This is a bit confusing.
Even if your BF has a point (or doesn’t), any guy would have him as a mentor. Guys have mentors. If the older dude has a crush with you, it doesn’t matter. He is not acting on it and you have him as a mentor. The moment he tries anything, you say no, I just want you to be my mentor. If every woman stops interacting with any man that is their mentor just because they *might* want to sleep with them, then they’d never have mentors. Most people in higher positions are men and women are the minority.
If I had to stop interacting with every man that was a mentor just because of that, I’d never get to where I am now. Only one time I had to explicitly turn down someone older who I thought just was my mentor but told me he wanted to sleep with me. I said no and he kept behaving professionally. Of course, I immediately told my BF of the time and called my best friend, because I was shocked and thought it was disgusting. Then, I didn’t see him alone again and also saw him in group settings (we had some overlapping activities with many other people and I couldn’t quit that).
Just tell your BF that you cannot control people’s thoughts. The guy has never acted on anything so you can continue the mentorship relationship and if he ever oversteps, you will be honest with your BF and tell him about that.
That said, I would stop with the xx after the texts. That’s weird. But tell your BF he also has to stop doing it with female coworkers, because otherwise it’s a double standard from his part.
sure, you can ditch the guy who you’ve known about ten years who helps you when you’re in a tough spot, gives you life advice and has never made you uncomfortable. or you ditch your man of 6 months who is so “concerned” for you he’s starting fights when you haven’t done anything wrong, and is making you feel like shit. if your boyfriend were actually concerned for your well-being he’d approach it a lot differently. yeah your mentor might want to fuck if you asked, but at least he’s not telling you what to do or pissing you off all the time. cost benefit analysis.
You’ve known this guy since you were a teen and he hasn’t tried to bang you once? Well there is your answer. If he is interested in you I’m pretty sure he would have tried something when you were younger and more vulnerable.
The way you describe him he just seems like someone who doesn’t want you to fail in life. I see where your boyfriend is coming from but I would personally pick the person whose had my back during the worst times in my life. Just my two cents.
Next story on Reddit, my ex boyfriend doesn’t understand why it’s ok that I left him for an 50 year old man. We love each other.
My gfs sister is attractive. She’s like family so I’d support her however needed. But that doesn’t mean I’m want to fuck her. Physical attraction really isn’t that deep.
Seems like he’s been a good presence in your life. I’m assuming your bf hasn’t been introduced to your mentor so he’s just insecure or controlling.
Advice: ask your mentor what he thinks about the situation with your bf.
Xx in text messages is super inappropriate for a mentor-mentee relationship.
I’m sure your boyfriend has some friends he finds attractive so honestly I don’t see the big deal about your friend as long as no lines are crossed
So tell your bf you will be friends and have a mentor relationship with whoever you want.
He doesn’t have a right to tell you who you are allowed to talk to. If he can’t deal with it then he can break up.
is the XX in texts just a European thing? Never seen anyone older than 12 text like that in the states
OP, can you shed some light on why you think there’s some attraction there?
I lean towards thinking this is a normal relationship. You can have platonic relationships with people you’re attracted to, and he’s never done anything inappropriate. You’ve known him for years.
But I am curious as to what you’ve picked up on from him.
Garbage comments all-around.
Dude is a father figure to OP and has been helping her out since her life was terrible as a kid. He’s an objectively net positive to her life.
She *suspects* he’s attracted to her, which isn’t a confirmation nor is it a verifiable truth. That is **NOT** information you can use to jump to the conclusion this man wants to fuck her, you goddamn projecting weirdos. What is wrong with you people?
OP, your boyfriend is a hypocrite and is attempting to sabotage your positive relationship with your mentor. It’s only been 6 months and he’s already throwing a wrench into your relationships. Tell him to slag off.
Sounds like a good reason to dump him.
Your boyfriend is correct.
You feel this guy is attracted to you and want to argue with your boyfriend about him?
Your boyfriend should break up with you.
I would keep the mentor and tell the bf to back off.
If the mentor hasn’t made a move yet, then he is just a good person who took you under his wing. Even if there is attraction, he never acted on it, so it’s ok.
Your boyfriend is the creep, dump his insecure controlling ass.
“If I’m being honest, then I do suspect there is an attraction on his side…”
All I needed to read. We can all sense this from others. That’s why we ask about that friend “that I have nothing to worry about.” He can sense that attraction. And it’s bullshit that anyone is making him seem like he is crazy for sensing it. YOU SENSE IT TOO.
It feels like your boyfriend is projecting. Also, I’d be very concerned about him trying to isolate you from what seems a core relationship in your life, especially such a positive, supportive one.
Does he get weird about your male friends too? He’s already showing you double standards with the simple xx in the text messages. Are there other double standards?
You BF is projecting his behavior onto you.
You deserve better.
It’s time to cut your ties with this man. Oh by man I’m not referring to the mentor.
Tell your bf to grow the fuck up and give you some goddamn credit.
Even if the older mentor wanted to sleep with you, does your bf not give you enough credit to not cheat on him?
Your bf is a meathead with no life experience. Someday he’ll learn, hopefully elsewhere.
Six months and he’s acting like this? Girl, run. This kind of jealous and possessive and hypocritical and frankly misogynistic behavior will only get worse if he knows you’ll accept it from him. I wasted years of my 20s with guys like that. If this is how he feels toward a mentor/father figure type person, how is he going to feel about friends of the opposite sex who are closer in age? Coworkers/bosses down the line? Just get out of this now before you waste any more time.
>(we put xx at the end of our messages which btw my BF does with literally every female he knows)
Who doesn’t like a hypocrite