**It’s long so bolded sentences are there for the gist of it.**
I know this is incorrect but the reason I’m so obsessive over bigotry is because **I feel like bigotry a mystery to solve rather than just the default state for a lot of people.** I keep fooling myself into believing that hate is some labyrinthine puzzle that – if I just think about it hard enough – one day I’ll be able to solve it, and **once I solve it, bigotry will cease to exist forever and I can finally stop hating myself.**
I know the truth: that the things that cause people to hate were set in motion far before birth, that some people plainly have an innate desire to hate others or feel superior no matter the conditions of the world we live in (the Gilbert Gottfried dentist episode of the Fairly Odd Parents first taught me that and it was a pill I refused to swallow for years; this shit goes back to my childhood), and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I also know that continuing to obsess over it (it is an unhealthy obsession I cannot deny that)only serves to my detriment. That the reason I hate myself isn’t because of other people but because I am actively choosing to hate myself, that for some reason **I view my self-worth based on how other people value me, but I only value the opinions of people who hate me**
Truthfully, I feel like I don’t deserve to love myself for as long as hate exists. Why? I’m still not entirely sure. I think it’s because I see bigotry existing as my problem to solve, and **I am a failure for not getting rid of hate by now.** I know there’s a level of covert narcissism to this way of thinking; oh I’m a special one who can solve the world’s problems? Give me a break. I don’t think I’m a full-blown narcissist but I do think I embody a lot of the narcissistic tendencies most late Millennials have. **I also plain don’t see the point in loving myself if even one person dislikes me.**
I know this kind of obsessive and negative thinking actually does require a mental health professional, especially in light of the fact that I simply feel unable to stop obsessing over this. **But I feel like seeking help for my obsession with homophobic people is giving up, and I don’t give up on anything or anyone, ever, period.**
**I have quite literally put up with (legitimate) emotional and verbal abuse with past relationships until they left me, that’s how much I refuse to give up on people.** One of my exes, after his mom died, took his anger out on me and told me he hopes my mom dies too so I could finally know how it feels. I still didn’t leave him. **If I give up and admit that some people will always be hateful no matter what, it feels like I’m admitting defeat and that I’m weak.**
So I’m still apprehensive about seeking professional help because I don’t want to give up. **Maybe if I just think about it a little harder, everything will be alright and I’ll never have problems again.**
**TL;DR I have an unhealthy obsession with trying to change bigots but I refuse to stop because I don’t give up on people, even at the expense of my health and well-being because giving up is for the weak.**
6 comments
It’s okay to take a break and prioritize your own well-being. Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Remember that you can’t change everyone but you can change how you react to them.
> I also plain don’t see the point in loving myself if even one person dislikes me.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by a point? I am having trouble understanding why that one person gets so much power to change what you think about yourself. Are you happy right now with who you are and what you are doing? If not, perhaps that’s the point to ignoring that one person who doesn’t really know you for who you are.
Also I’m glad you brought up considering professional help because it sounds pretty exhausting putting up with abuse and trying so hard to chase something that is not possible. Seeking professional help is for people who are brave and want to take the leap. I’d argue that those people who refuse to seek help are giving up and wallowing in their helplessness. I hope you can get there!
> I know the truth:
From a tv show? Really? That’s frankly idiotic.
First: you equate bigotry with hate. This is false. Second: bigotry cannot be both innate AND some mysterious illness you can cure. That logical inconsistency should cause you to ponder.
You focus on others’ because you hate yourself too much to put yourself under examination. *That* is weak. Grow strong. Examine *yourself*
I agree with your family. This is tiring and you have an unhealthy obsession
You’re me, it’s so hard. You have to be selfish sometimes and that’s the way I have decided how I behave when I am generally going against what I believe to be right. I have absolutely ruined my self confidence by ALWAYS following what I believe but with moderation you can live a happier version of your life. I am 28M
You’ve demonstrated well why your emotional “logic” makes no sense.
Hate will always exist and you hating or loving yourself has no correlation to that.
People treating you badly isn’t a reflection of you.
I’m not sure what you’re asking. You know you need psychological help but refuse to get it. The reasoning you’ve given for refusing to get it makes no sense – it’s based on magical thinking and conflates things that have no bearing on eachother. Therefore you should get psychological help. But you already knew that.
You should start getting psychological help and you can explain to your therapist about how you conflate getting psych help with giving up.
But no one can force you to take that first step, you need to do it yourself.
You’ve set up a logical trap so that you conveniently never have to do the hard work of healing yourself, because you can’t do it until hate is gone from the world, which isn’t going to happen in your lifetime. And you can’t love yourself if even one person doesn’t like you, which again, being universally liked is never going to happen. So you let yourself off the hook for doing the actually hard, scary thing. I’m telling you your reasoning is a bullshit cop out, and you can’t improve much until you’ve made yourself healthy.