Hi,
I believe I made a post a while back on something similar, feeling maybe regretful. I’ll leave that post out for this – but this is a little different and I don’t think I can quite label this feeling as ‘regret’ anymore. I’ll explain below.
So lately, I’ve been thinking about and grieving my past. One of the biggest reasons why is because my social skills were basically shot, most likely as a result of bullying and isolation. I was not too recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I suspect that the anxiety has been around since middle school. I’ve since realized the impact.
I’ve missed out on so many social opportunities and experiences because of this. I was a socially awkward and anxious kid that had literally no idea how to expand my circle. I got lucky in some cases because some friends included me in, but I’ve almost never initiated things myself.
As of recently I started thinking about a previous crush I used to have, because I saw some emails while searching for something else. I met them in middle school. I was too anxious to actually talk to them, so I set out to email them. The biggest thing that sticks out to me is that while we had some fun and interesting (but basic) convos, I never once asked if they wanted to hang out – simply because I just didn’t know how.
It’s stuff like this that is hard to process. I didn’t know how, because I lever learned. And because I never learned, I’ve always struggled immensely to do the things I’ve wanted to do as a younger child.
I can’t label any of this as regret – more of grief, and this isn’t the only thing I’m grieving about, past/childhood (or adolescence) wise, but is one of the more painful parts. I’m basically grieving a “lost childhood” and it has been one of my hardest journeys so far.
I know that I can’t change anything and I’m still learning of course, and I’ve also since learned how to do most the things that I didn’t know before, but I would be lying if I said I no longer struggle. It kinda feels like a game of catch-up at times, and sometimes I think about how different things would be if I had a more positive environment and mental state to learn in/with. It makes me sad and emotional.
I’m sorry for the possibly messy rant. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this before? Advice is also welcome.
Thanks for reading.
10 comments
Yep, i’m 36 and feel a broken mess because my younger self lacked confidence, it sucks, but i’m slowly getting better at being normal.
Yes, what you need to do is exposure therapy and keep trying to improve.
It is regret, it is lost, and the only thing you can do is move on to learn from the past and not have the same feelings for today, tomorrow – for today will soon be 5- 10 yrs in the past.
So it’s really simple, exposure therapy to go out and do stuff.
Go out and talk to strangers.
Pick up and build a social network, ideally IRL not Online.
And go from there.
Failure is normal, and is feedback to self improve.
That’s it.
I think about that a lot too. Especially bc i’m 28 now and in my head i go back 10-15 years and think about everything and the missed opportunities. But everyday is a new day to start fresh and create the life you want!!
Everyone has their own issues. Some get to enjoy their childhood longer. Some become adults too soon. Some skip phases and revisit them. First accept and find peace in whatever that you already have experienced. It’s good that, at the v least, you recognized what you lack. Imagine being oblivious to it and hating yourself for being an outcast. Work on it.
The first tip I would have is: Give yourself the grace of forgiveness and the time you need to grieve what is passed. It’s not a fault-matter; you were dealing with an unnamed illness at that time. If we could control whether we were well or no, then life would be a lot easier.
I respect that feeling of Playing Catchup. On my worst days, I literally feel like the only things I’m accomplishing is fixing my fuck-ups. Days on end when there is nothing positive, there is just the perception of trying to claw my way out of the negative to get back to baseline. I was never terribly social in my adolescence as well, and it’s likely that I suffered some consequences from that.
However, I also look back at fond times. They are there, even if it doesn’t feel like it, even if they’re buried under the mess. Good things did happen, too.
As far as where to go from here, there’s the old saying: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago; the next best time is right now.
As far as easing into social situations, again – take it easy, be kind to yourself. Nothing good comes of us boxing our own ears for every perceived mistake. I found a mixture of a regular boardgame group as well as some online communication (much like this, here) satisfy a level of being social that I did not appreciate before, and I am for the most part happy. There are times when I wish I was more active, but I stop, take a moment, look around myself, and remember where and who I am.
I am Porto. My value is not determined by anyone but myself. I enjoy the time I spend in solitude in part *because* of the limited socializing I do. I enjoy playing video games, listening to music or podcasts, making origami, many other things that I will sometimes share with people but largely are my own hobbies for myself alone.
Grief is not a straight line path to follow. It is sitting on the World’s Shore, where the waves of emotion wash up. Anger, regret, sadness, joy, confusion – all of them. Those in grief sit on that beach, and sometimes the waves are calm and the waters still, and sometimes the ocean rages and throws itself upon the beach and the people there too, subsuming them with a flood of emotions, only for the waters to receed again.
Greif does not behave in a linear fashion relative to time. There are people in my life I lost more than 15 years ago, and I will still have a moment of sitting in a previously-shared coffee shop, realizing my person is not there with me, and feeling that pang of guilt.
What I can say is that it does get easier. Those hits and waves come farther and farther apart the more you work through your grief, feeling its shape and folding it into something you can sit with.
Take your time, and enter into being social with an open mind and a warm heart. Not something you are obligated to do and no more, because rest assured you are not obligated to interact with people if you don’t want to. I found that meetups at table top gaming stores were a good entry back into being social – there’s a bit of friendliness obviously, but the biggest thing about that or other social clubs with whom you share an interest, is that everyone is conversationally pre-loaded. Every one is there for X, and knows at least a little about X, and could probably bear hearing about Y and Z too. And when the evening is up? Everyone goes home. Folks can exchange numbers and do all of that, but I have a fondness for the idea of a 3rd Place situation.
There’s work, there’s home, and – there’s the Third Place. For many it’s a bar – think like the show Cheers. Everyone knowns everyone, but kinda just in that little microcosm. The same group of people shows up for the same reason on the same night of the week, enjoys themselves, and parts ways. And of course light-touch socializing is an inroad to deeper communications.
You can do this.
>I can’t get back the days gone by
>
>The past has passed
>
>But the future’s mine
Lyrics from one of a few songs that help me center myself. Mind Your Head, by Rare Americans. Walkin’ and Talkin’ is another track of theirs about dealing with ourselves and living our best lives.
The last tip I would offer that has been helpful to me socializing – Own Your Follies. I will actually shout things like “Alright alright, I’ll be the sacrificial asshole.” if at Karaoke and no one wants to sing. Be the weird but kind one. Find joy in asking people questions about anything, and know this – it is part of the human condition that one of the easiest topics of conversation for most neurotypical people is themselves. Ask questions, listen, respond at the right points – sounds too easy to be true, but give it a shot.
May you have Long Days and Pleasant Nights, stranger.
Just take one step at a time. As long as you’re moving in the right direction that’s the important part. Also I strongly believe that social skills can be learned at any age.
Dude I’ve felt the same. It’s been hard reconciling what was and what could’ve been. I still don’t know what to do with those thoughts when they come up.
Major depression hit me like a truck at around 11 and didn’t loosen up until 25ish. I spent what feels like the most socially critical parts of my life nearly catatonic. There’s so many things that are supposed to feel relatable that I’ve never experienced.
I love being around other people now, despite having to play catch up and lacking experience. It’s better than where I was before and that’s all that matters.
This is pretty much me. I’m 48 and have tons of regrets for past life. Most of those regrets cover my shyness and not asking women out. This goes back to high school. So many missed opportunities.
Other regrets cover career and not getting a college degree.
It’s difficult but every moment you spend reliving past mistakes is another wasted moment.
You don’t get them back.
Look at where you Want to be, make a plan, and try things.
Your life starts now. And again tomorrow.
All these things from your past aren’t holding you back, only You are. I mean, as far wanting to be social there really Isn’t anything to fear but fear itself. Talk to strangers. You’ll be awkward as hell. For a while. But that’s how you learn, get shaped by experience, talk less, listen more and all that.
It’s not Easy, I mean, when you’re still in the mode of thinking of what these strangers think of you. Eventually you’ll realize they’ve got their own lives and bs going on, and they’re really Not concerned with you being a bit weird unless you are inconveniencing Them.
You adjust. Don’t inconvenience, affirm them.
You become someone.. Who Adds to people’s life in tiny ways. Just by acknowledging them as their own person.
That’s really All you need do to be liked is give a little more than you take. And all it takes to give is to acknowledge others as worthwhile, and not take from them.
When you come on as over eager, you seem… Like you Want something, it scares people off, they’re afraid of obligation. You can pull back a bit, not all at once, go slow.
You can find your groove my friend.
So, I saw a couple of your other posts and need to say this.
Socialization skills don’t start developing in middle school, but at a very young age in kindergarten; so, social anxiety developing in middle school wouldn’t stunt them that extremely + that social anxiety had to come from previous negative experiences. Bullying makes it harder for someone to find friends, but it’s not an annihilator of being able to find your own circle.
Social anxiety and depression are not the causes here; they’re the results of a difficulty in finding friends, of knowing how to reach out to people.
It sounds like you might be one of the many, many people who post here about struggling with finding people, social skills, mental illnesses, when they’re actually an undiagnosed autistic person. I was one and this looks like another case of it. Look into autism.