I have had a crush on the same guy since 5th grade. I’m a freshman in college now so its a little sad. I’m trying to get over the crush and leave it in my past. I’ve been with other guys but even through those relationships, I’ve always had feelings for him. He’s also my best friend.
He has had a rough freshman year and I’ve become one of his main support people. He has a bad day he texts me and I encourage him. He has a good day I encourage him. He’s also started telling me how happy I make him and how I mean so much to him like long long paragraphs. At first to me these texts were a sign that maybe he likes me back.
We have mutual friends so I asked them and they said that he said similar things to another girl and she went for it. Turns out he’s in love with another girl that isn’t either of us. Those words to that girl he meant like a sister. So I’m pretty sure he loves me but as a sister.
I really need to and want to get over this crush. Normally in a situation like this, I just wouldn’t really text the person and let the feelings die out. The problem is I am one of his main support people. He needs me to be there for him right now.
I deserve to be with someone that likes me and wants me and I cant healthily do that with my feelings for him right now. But I also can’t stop being friends with him. Idk maybe this is super simple but I don’t see a clear answer. Any help is great! Thank you!
TLDR: I like a guy. He doesn’t like me back. I am his support person. I want to get over my feelings for him. How can I do that without hurting him or myself?
5 comments
You are the priority here, not him. If you feel so torn up about it you should distance yourself. He’ll find another shoulder to cry on. Is he your support person? What does he do for you besides need support?
I think with some people you just can’t. Some people are likable and every time you’re around them you’ll start to have those feelings of liking them and being attracted to them. And there’s nothing that will prevent that.
In that case the best thing for you to do is to distance yourself. Because you might be his support person but he’s definitely not your support person. And it’s nice of you to be there for him but maybe not at the sacrifice of your own well-being.
I have a friend like that, where I know it’s very one-sided when it comes to crush feelings. Though he thinks of me as a friend. If I spend too much time around him I will start to get those feelings and then I will feel progressively bad about myself because I like him and I know he doesn’t like me back. I can do it in small doses I can check in with him a one or two times a month and not feel that pull to be personally involved or jealous should he be getting involved with another girl. And that’s the best I can do.
If you can’t accept that being just a friend is what this has to be then I guess you move on. Stop contact. Seems really sad though because it sounds like you both do care for one another. If it were me I would come to terms with him being in love and find a way to support that. Friends are hard to come by. If you value this relationship then even if it hurts try and put those feelings aside and be there when he needs you. That’s called loyalty and you put anything aside to keep it. Even your own hurt feelings. Being that kind of person is going to get you the love back that you are looking for.
You say he needs your support, but you aren’t entirely honest in the way you’re offering it. While he may see you as a friend, you’ve been hanging around him for years hoping that he’ll return your feelings — because I’m sure you realized after a few months that the crush wasn’t going to go anywhere if you kept being his close friend. It’s like keeping your hand on the hot stove and drinking water in an attempt to cool it.
At the same time, at the risk of sounding rude: maybe you have a false impression of the extent of his reliance on you. You seem to think that he’ll crash and burn if you stop being available for him at any time of day. But from what you write, he has other friends to rely on as well — even you say that you’re “one of his main support people”. You’ve slotted yourself in the role of “support friend” so much that you’re sacrificing your own peace in order to provide his, and so you keep telling yourself that he won’t be able to go on without you because that’s what you want — for him to have a “see the light” moment and realize your feelings and how much you’ve been doing to support him.
Be very honest with yourself: would he _really_ spiral if you weren’t there for him? If you didn’t sacrifice so much to be there at his beck and call with emotional support? Or are you projecting your own feelings on him and it’s _you_ who’d spiral if he were to reject you?
The answer really _is_ super simple. Tell him about your feelings. You’ve already wasted so many _years_ hovering around him, what do you have to lose? What is the end goal in making yourself miserable like this? I get that you fear being rejected, but how many more years are you planning to waste in this limbo? Isn’t it better to get it all out and see if he feels the same or not? If he does — score! If he doesn’t, you’ll be able to move on _finally_.
I think you should tell him. I think you should say, “I’ve the biggest crush on you and have had it for some time. I don’t think you feel the same way about me, but if I’m wrong, please correct me.” See where that gets you. If it’s going to be as you say, like a sister, then your next step is to let him know that you have been very grateful for everything he has done for you. Give him examples and how those times made you feel, specifically. Then let him know that because of your crush, you feel it would be best to distance yourself for a time until you can move forward.
Maybe it won’t be forever, but if it is, it’s ok. It sucks… It normally really, really sucks. But it will be ok for both of you. You have to do what’s right for you. In future relationships, remember to put no one above you. You are the pentacle of your relationships. Some times we get lost in someone else, and it’s never good.