This guy (31m) and I (27f) have been seeing each other for 2 months in person and with him being away for 3 months, he’ll be returning home soon.
No, we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend.
To give context, Bill (let’s call him that) comes from a vast different background than me ( more travel, more opportunities all that) and although he had a moment
In his life where he was at his lowest, he picked himself up and doing well for himself financially and all that.
I, (27f) on the other hand, have come from more of a sheltered small town background and still am flailing. I’m more greyed out as a person and naive about the world, people.
I don’t feel jealous of him but at times I worry he thinks I’m bland and well not enough. Or worse, he pities me. When it gets to topics of travel or things he done, I go mute because I don’t know what to say. I think he tries to downplay them or not mention his experiences at all.
He’s a really sweet, good guy. I fear I’m being a burden on him because of my background and the fact I make less money than him (my salary would be considered working poor) and he’s in tech.
I worry if we go into a relationship he’s going tom feel disdain with how much I make bc it limits what we can do or make him feel like he has to constantly treat me.
It’s not like Im not trying hard to be better but can I keep up?
In my past relationships or interactions I feel like I’ve always been more the mentee and the other guy is a mentor because he’s more experienced in those things,ie waysof the world.
Tl:dr: Dating a guy who comes from a very different background than me where there were more opportunists and makes more money than me. It’s been weigh heavily on my mind, I’m the sense of how much it affect us being together. Not sure if I should even bring my worries up or keep them to myself.
4 comments
I think this is totally something to discuss around the 3-4 months of dating mark. Especially if you two are considering becoming boyfriend/girlfriend.
But, I’d switch your perspective a bit. Instead of putting yourself down and basically trying to find out if he can ‘put up with you’, approach this from a more empowered perspective and talk about goals and needs.
Is he comfortable if his partner always makes *significantly* less money than he does? If this relationship continues and he has things he wants to share with you (like travelling) how does he see expenses being split? Does he think he’ll be resentful if he is in a long-term relationship where the financial split is never 50/50? Tell him a bit about what your goals/wishes are for your own career or life too. Tell him what you think you could be comfortable with, and what you know you couldn’t be when it comes to money and long-term relationships.
You cannot control how someone else feels. There is no perfect way for you to behave to make sure he *never* feels restrained. It’s his responsibility not to put himself in a relationship where he feels burdened or disdainful. You have to tell him that is what you want, and then you have to trust him to do it.
Then you can also, and should also, work on your self-esteem and set some manageable goals for yourself. This is a pattern for you and it’s not purely about objective reality. This is a lot about how you see yourself. You need to change that. You’ll be a better partner and a happier person. Even if you’re not a more well-travelled one.
If he’s into you none of the things you mentioned are going to matter to him. Men (not all obviously) tend to prefer to make more money, and enjoy showing the women in their lives new things and opportunities.
My advice is to be available and interested if you like him but leave the rest to him. If your differences are more than he likes you will know by his lack of interest and availability.
That’s assuming you want to date him. If not just move on and be unavailable when he contacts you,
Honestly, just be honest with him. Express your worries and concerns in a calm and open manner. If he truly cares about you, he will listen and understand.
You’re not a burden to him because of your background. There is no way your past is a turnoff to this guy. What matters is the present: how your interest and energies align, how conversation flows. In that way, *this* is your real problem:
> When it gets to topics of travel or things he done, I go mute because I don’t know what to say. I think he tries to downplay them or not mention his experiences at all.
You’re not engaging him on his interests or taking an interest in *his* background. You’re going mute and making him feel like certain topics about himself are off-limits. Let go of your insecurity on this and approach your differences in background/experiences from a place of curiosity and interest, show engagement and even enthusiasm when he talks about himself and his life. He should be doing the very same for you.