Confused over my(20f) bf’s (21m) dismissive reaction during my PTSD flashback, need advice where to go from here

Last night, I went out and bought some stuff for a ‘care package’ for my boyfriend. We’ve been having a stressful time lately, and so I wanted to cheer him up. For context, he’s working 40-45 hours a week at his job & living at home, almost 5 months clean off his drug of choice. I’m a full-time college student, working part-time, trying desperately to get out of my abusive mother’s household and going to therapy for my C-PTSD (among other things) weekly.

We’ve had a recurring issue where he can’t seem to empathize with my emotions? But conflict usually starts with me. I bring up one thing or another, and sometimes it upsets him a lot. If I bring up how I feel like he’s sometimes dismissive and condescending towards me, or like I need more empathy when I’m hurting in front of him, he gets angry with me. Thing is, I recognized my own emotional dysregulation issues long before I met him, and since then I’ve been doing multiple forms of therapy that have really helped with my empathy and communication skills. My therapist diagnosed me with codependency (before I met him), too, so I try really hard to be aware of whether I’m being controlling or demanding or insecure. I do this work for myself, and I want us to have a happy and healthy relationship where both of us feel supported and loved. We’ve been together for a year and a half and he’s my best friend.

So back to last night. I show up to his house around midnight. We usually smoke a bowl or two before going inside, watching a movie, and falling asleep together. He comes to my car, I give him the gift, he’s grateful, I’m happy, all is well. But he seems a little stressed and says he wants to go back inside as soon as possible. I said “okay, that’s fine, but I still want to take a dab or two before I go in, do you think we could wait 5-10 minutes and I’ll give you a few?” He doesn’t like that idea and says he can go inside his house without me, I got confused, and said “well, that’s not a compromise,” because it’s not worth sitting outside and smoking alone if I don’t get to spend time with him, especially that late at night. We only see each other once or twice a week as it is, and he lives 35 minutes from my house, so I value our time together.
He snaps at me out of nowhere, “fine, smoke your fucking weed then. God!”

He’s a large and loud man and he hurts me when he yells. He’s yelled at me like this before when he’s stressed and overwhelmed, and I wouldn’t take it so personally if he would recognize what he’s done and apologize in the moment… but he doesn’t do that a lot of the time. He stayed silent, and when I said “are you going to apologize for that?” He said quietly, “I’m sorry I yelled.”

That kind of pissed me off — not “I’m sorry I did that, that was wrong, nothing you did could have deserved that,” or even sorry I yelled AT YOU, nope. When I told him I needed more than just that, he said this: he didn’t have the emotional ability to empathize with me right then, that he was overwhelmed and needed time to calm down, and he hadn’t had any time to himself, he didn’t get to sit down and do things he likes to do all week, so he felt awful, he doesn’t know why he lashed out and he’s sorry, but he can’t help me right now… I understood that, and I felt bad for pushing him to that point. Another part of his reasoning was that I should remember “how I’ve been acting” all week, that makes him feel less empathetic towards me, which is fair, I guess?

For context, I’ve been having awful anxiety and flashbacks all week—even without him triggering it—and I’m a bummer to be around when that happens. Recently, my mom and I had a huge fight where she threatened to drain my savings account and unofficially kicked me out of the house, so I’ve been returning home only to see my dog/shower/sleep at night. Tensions were high until my mom calmed down & stopped being openly hostile towards me, but she’s still coercive and abusive and I feel unwelcome here, so I’m waiting on results for a housing scholarship from my university that will help me get out. The only reason I’ve stayed in school is because my university is my only real helpline. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind and I’m struggling to cope with the everyday responsibilities/inconveniences of being an impoverished and traumatized college student. He knows all this.

So, I’ve been leaning on him a lot for support, but he’s expressed frustration with me because he feels like hearing about my traumatic shit is way too draining for him, sometimes. I get that too. He’s not my sole emotional support, he’s my partner, I want to give him his space.

We went inside after that, then bickered some more, mostly because I couldn’t let it go. It was honestly really triggering to me, and I started having a flashback. I hate it when this happens, because obviously those aren’t current feelings, and I feel completely unlike myself. I have no control over how I feel or think while it’s happening, the scene replaying in my brain legitimately blocks my vision, and I’m either completely catatonic or sobbing until it passes. In the middle of said flashback, I said I felt like I hated him for triggering another flashback, even though I knew I really didn’t. I really regret that. He sat there, saying he didn’t know what to do, until I managed to get up and go to my car for some alone time.

Later, I apologized to him for the trouble and we dropped it. He kept making comments about how nobody was home (post-argument), with a suggestive grin, but that only made me feel worse. I think sex is an act of intimacy, and I didn’t want to be intimate with him when I still felt so hurt and unseen. Then we had sex this morning, and uncharacteristically, he told me I could finish myself off because ‘I do it better.’ Definitely not true, he usually always makes an effort to get me off himself but not today? I couldn’t get myself off even with my vibrator, we had to stop multiple times because he kept hitting my cervix painfully, and after he came he practically ran to the shower, saying he had work in an hour so he had no time for after-care, but he’d give me a quick hug if I walked over to him… It felt so different from other times we had sex, like he only wanted one thing from me?

He also mentioned how he was mad at me after the flashback, and couldn’t forgive me in the moment for saying I hated him, because that really hurt his feelings. I feel awful for this. I don’t want to manipulate him into caretaking me 24/7, and I don’t want him to feel obligated to bend over backwards for me and my emotions. The problem is, that when times are good, we talk about this stuff easily. He’s the wokest dude on the planet and a great deal of fun to be around, he’s kind and patient and happy and intelligent and loves talking to me about my self-help books and other strategies to communicate better.

So, I’m starting to get really mad when he says that he doesn’t know what to do, because I’ve told him over and over and over again, that all he needs to do when I’m having a flashback is to be THERE for me. If he caused the flashback with some shitty behavior, I want him to fucking hold me and tell me he’s sorry and that he loves me, calmly, without making himself out to be the victim. I want to see real, genuine concern on his face when I tell him yet again how his behavior makes me feel, I want him to feel deep remorse, because he knows how it affects me and he still chooses to do it. And if I just happen to be having one (accidentally, or not from him, but this isn’t common as the triggers are almost always interpersonal and easy to avoid) then all he needs to do is be accepting and loving; tell me that he’s not scared of these emotions or experiences or memories I have, that I can tell him anything, that he’ll love me and accept me no matter what. He knew I had PTSD after our third date (I disclosed), and he was empathetic and caring then, he said he could meet those needs in the past but I don’t think he is. These episodes usually only take 15 minutes at most if nothing compounds the problem, but his reactions make everything SO MUCH WORSE. He just sits there with wide eyes, watching me break down like I’m crazy, or he stares off into space vacantly, or he looks like he’s terrified and on the verge of tears (but doesn’t cry), and I feel guilty, like there’s something so deeply wrong with me for being this way. And I could ask him for these specific things in this specific way, but I feel like what I’m describing is empathy?

Can someone PLEASE tell me what the truth is here? Should I be the one apologizing to him, or do I deserve an apology? How do we communicate better and heal the rift in our relationship? Any advice is welcome.

TL;DR: boyfriend apparently can’t control anger, I can’t control my PTSD flashbacks, and I’m honestly feeling invisible and burdensome to him

Edit: for the record… I’m not victimizing myself, I’m not a useless member of society, I’m doing the work to heal, and just because I have these episodes doesn’t mean I’m not working on myself at all (or deserve to suffer)… I’m just showing symptoms of PTSD. This is part of who I am and where I’m at right now, and that’s okay. So, if your advice has anything to do with disproving that, please refrain from commenting. Thanks.