I (19M) had never sex in my life. I had chances with people who I actually find sexually attractive, but I never committed it. I just feel like it should be with someone that I really love and care about (at least, my first one). However, all my peers at my college, or even my younger friends always talk about their sexual life. I feel like I am the only one in my friend group without an active sex life; and to be honest, I feel like I’m too late to lose my virginity and like a loser. Is it okay to attribute a meaning to sex that much, or is there anything wrong with me?
4 comments
>I just feel like it should be with someone that I really love and care about (at least, my first one).
You absolutely have to make your own call about this.
There are very few guarantees in sex, but one of them is: you will remember your first time. So you don’t want your first girl to be someone you will mind having in your head for the next 60 or 70 years. All that is left to decide is, is just some nice girl who wants a good time enough or to want to risk holding out for The One? Totally up to you.
(Personally, my experience was the worst of both worlds: I *wanted* to wait for The One and I also wanted to get laid so much I talked myself into believing I was in love with a girl who really I did not like that much. My next girl would have been perfect. She was an exchange student who had just gotten on birth control and wanted to try it out. Sweet, fun-loving girl, we hung out for an afternoon and then fucked in my mom’s Plymouth, and I never saw her again.)
>all my peers at my college, or even my younger friends always talk about their sexual life.
Generally, there are two types of guys: those who always talk about their sexual life, and those who actually have one.
There is definitely nothing wrong with you.
I personally believe that sex does not need to be in connection with love, but I fully get your view.
I think you know exactly where you stand on this topic. I could imagine that you struggle more with “what other people think about you”.
Ask yourself this: If there were no outside opinions, influences or social pressure how would I like to loose my virginity?
Also, people often overexaggerate their sex life, to look better.
Also M here. I waited until well after college to have sex, AND i felt just as conflicted about it as you. I spent a lot of time as the ONE virgin in my peer group, but i was lucky that no one made me feel bad about it. That didn’t make being the oddball any less uncomfortable but you’re not doing anything wrong. If anyone INTENTIONALLY makes you feel bad for being a virgin they’re not a friend, but it makes sense that you feel a little out of the loop.
If you want to date and have sex, and there are people you are interested in, DO go ahead and date, and do go ahead and have sex. If you are attracted to people and want to see them, holding back for no other reason than upholding a notion of idealized virginity is a good way to hurt yourself and people you care about.
>I just feel like it should be with someone that I really love and care about (at least, my first one).
Then, no, there’s not something wrong with you. I don’t say that because I think that your perspective is the only one anyone should take: each of us gets to decide what is important to us when it comes to sex, what we want out of our sex lives. You want it to be in the context of love and commitment; your friends are okay with something else; it’s not your place to judge them, or them to judge you, or me to judge any of you. No, The reason I don’t think anything’s wrong with you is because _you already know what you want from sex_ and you’re sticking to it. You’re not compromising your values, which is a very easy thing to do around sex.
Now, the flip side is, all choices have consequences. If you want to hold out for someone you love and care for, you’ll have to accept that you don’t get to control when that person enters your life. If you want to just have sex, _any_ sex, regardless of context, you might have to give up on your standards. I think people these days do a piss-poor job of evaluating their choices in these terms: they think only of what positive consequences they stand to gain, ignoring the negative ones that come with it. Only you can make this choice for yourself; I’m just here to help you make an informed decision.
The most important thing, in my opinion, is to ignore your friends. You don’t know how much they’re telling the truth, versus lying to make themselves seem more adult or experienced. This is especially true about your feelings of it being too late and you being a loser. **These statements are factually false**. And yet you think and feel them anyway… Because societies like to use sexual activity as a way to _shame_ people. You can safely ignore such things.
Signed, someone who didn’t lose _his_ virginity until he was 27.