Just looking to vent really, but I feel like my (27M) marriage with my wife (26F) is failing and it’s like watching a car wreck in slow motion. Almost a year ago now we moved to our current city/state for her job and I am a part-time stay-at-home dad and part-time student. When we first moved here our marriage was what I can only describe as rocky. We were constantly fighting, I felt unappreciated, and our son was only 6 months at the time so the stress of a baby was at a high.
Background: We married fast, but we were in love. We found out we were pregnant a few months after marriage and were ecstatic however tragedy struck when her mom, unfortunately, passed away a few weeks after telling her we were expecting. This caused a very traumatic pregnancy where I supported her in any way I could, but it has understandably changed my wife forever. This was a traumatic event after all, and it, unfortunately, impacted our marriage too. Before my MILs passing my wife was affectionate, but nowhere near as affectionate as myself which was fine. Now it is like pulling teeth to even get a crumb of affection. I’ve given her space and told her I understand, but I am only human, and it’s hard for me to just turn off my end of the affection. She gets mad at me saying she is focusing on herself (which is fine) and that I am on the back burner. Well, it started to feel like I wasn’t on a burner whatsoever let alone in the kitchen. I brought this up to her and she told me I am being dramatic. Now I will admit I am an overthinker, and I can self-sabotage but I feel as if I am being totally normal. She tells me I must not really understand that she is focusing on herself if I bring up every now and then that I would like some more emotion or affection and that I am beyond selfish. It came down that the only time I received physical affection was when she was about to start her period and that rush of hormones came which just made me feel used. I described this to her and again I was told I am being dramatic. I am on antidepressants and see my therapist once a month, but all I want is to have a normal human emotional conversation with my wife about our relationship.
Fast forward to today and why I am writing about this post. Recently (2 months or so) we’ve been fighting again more. Not sure why but we have been. She says she has no energy for our relationship, so I asked if she wants a divorce to which she simply responds “I don’t know.” She goes on a work trip later this year for 2 months and I worry that she will have this realization that she will be better off sharing custody of our son and we go our separate ways. I bring this up to her and she says I am being dramatic yet again saying I’m jumping off the deep end and I need to get it together or asks “have you taken your meds today?” I used to ask her about going to counseling together and for the longest time she was 100% against it then one day she just brings it up and says if I schedule it she’ll attend. Also she has mentioned she loves me many times, but also has told me we were not compatible because we were “toxic” and got mad at me when I was upset by this statement and wanted to talk about it saying I once again am being dramatic.
Idk where I am going with this, but just venting. I don’t fear having to restart somewhere if our marriage ends, but it is sad seeing my best friend just seemingly give up and not even want to discuss it 99% of the time. Thanks for reading reddit.
5 comments
For a counselor that does both in office and virtual counseling, so that when she needs to travel you both can continue your counseling work and have better communication and a stronger relationship going forward and that you both feel appreciated in it.
A two month work trip? You are already a single parent. This marriage will not last with 2 month absences. She saying I don’t know is not an answer. She commits or does not. Leaving you in limb is no way to live.
You should try counseling. Also that doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. It means that the combination of loss and having a kid is fucking hard. Chin up, try counseling and love your wife
Yup, get counseling lined up very soon. That 2-month business trip away will test your relationship and provide her with temptations. So you want some guidelines for that.
Look, the day after my wedding my dad was diagnosed with stage four cancer and had to have surgery for a AAA. It was just tragedy after tragedy that year, loved ones dying, personal medical problems, moving, new jobs. We found ourselves in a similar position to you. Our communication was dysfunctional to put it lightly. These events really highlighted things that had always been there. I was very doubtful of our making it and the good will between us was non-existent. I felt no love in our marriage anymore.
So we went to therapy. And guess what? I can actually talk to him and vice versa when we have a problem or a need. We listen, validate even if we don’t agree. And we are honest in a way that sometimes hurts, but we are still secure because we know we can work through it together now. Yesterday he took me to the place we got married and we just cried together in the car in silence, realizing how much shit we were carrying that we could just let go of together. It was so cathartic, and I felt such a profound love for this man, my husband and a true partner to me, and it would not have been possible if it weren’t for therapy and couples counseling.