Good day everyone. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and married for 10. He will totally be creeping in on this post because this is very much an open discussion. My husband and I generally exist easily with each other but a major friction for us is that we both have very different styles and expectations in our home. It is not uncommon for us to go back and forth on an upgrade for months or years until one of us is worn down and the person ultimately hates the choice made. Or the other option is we find a compromise that neither of us loves or hates (our counter chairs which took almost a year to just…happen).
He hates everything “old” which is hard on someone who grew up with antiques, became an archaeologist as an adult for many years, and was raised by family in the liquidations business. I like old. I love their charm. And I love that, if cared for and maintained, it will out last us. Other than my personal office, all other rooms in our home and spaces are “modern”. My husband’s style is somewhere between Ikea Bachelor and Star Trek Future. In our 3,100 square foot home I have one space that is mine. While I can slip in an item on a shelf here and there in the rest of the space, I feel the home languishes towards only my husband’s style. While I can control placement and color palette (which we generally agree on) I feel muted out. While I do not hate all modern styles, I dislike most of them intensely because I find them uninspired, sterile and victim to dating itself out rapidly. I want timeless and magpie. I feel like I have met him at his wishes and compromised the most in our space. I have tried vary hard to find compromises such as sputnik lighting which appeals to his modernity and my historical whimsy.
This is one I am digging my heels in for. Our home has 2.5 bathrooms. This is specific to the .5 bathroom. Since I was a kid I have LOVED antique chain pull toilets. Every time I experience one in the wild I am basically a giant kid having FAR too much of a good time pulling a chain. I vowed I would have one in our future home. My husband hates them. Money for a specialty install is not a problem or for pricing out a modern remake of them over an actual antique toilet. The only technical problem I see is that we may not have enough studs in the proposed wall to support the tank (which can be rectified though annoying). We are going to be remodeling all three bathrooms and frankly, if I get my toilet in the half bath I don’t give a flying squirrel fart about the other two. Dude wants a $5k sauna, water jet, massage show? I am down. That was my initial trade: one toilet in a half bath to my style for two full baths in the rest of the house in his. As far as I see it, he gets two bathrooms to remodel and disappoint me with every time I take a piss and I want the half bath and my special, “old” toilet spot. It will be visually interesting and interactive for guests and fulfills a childhood desire.
An additional note is inheritance that has come to me is the means by which these repairs are happening. Normally I see our money as “our” money but I feel so back into a corner with this that I am starting to feel protective of my own funds because I don’t feel like I am getting what I want from this and all I just want a damn toilet. I will be getting him Lasik because I love him and know he wants it. The same funds will likely go towards paying down the electric car he has on order, and I am happy to do it. So why can’t I have a chain pull toilet in one of our 3 bathrooms?
I have offered the “compromise” which is NO chain pull toilet if I get to remodel our guest bathroom 100% to my desires (like 1920’s-1930’s tile up the wazoo), but will allow for a standard toilet to not offend his toilet guidelines. I have also asked to remodel part of our basement into a vampire lair so I can get my weird on with my friends. Also vetoed by him. I feel like the stereotype where the wife takes over the house and the guy get the “man lair” is the reverse here. I get my old timey office but he gets the rest.
I think he gets the better end of the deal if I just get my damn toilet. I feel like I keep compromising down from what I really want in favor of what he wants. We are running out of time as this needs to be determine ASAP. I would love some additional thoughts, ideas or reflections from our little reddit family here.
4 comments
I mean, the way you laid everything out here, I’m on your side. As someone who installed an outdoor barrel sauna because it was a life-long dream, I’d be willing to trade a lot for that.
Your tastes are definitely… odd… IMO, but that doesn’t really matter much. Does your husband agree with you that he gets his way more in terms of how the house is put together? Like, is there a disconnect in how you view the disparity in choice, or is it that he sees it but he just doesn’t care because he thinks he’s right?
Husband notes:
Her room is all her, all the rest of the home is compromise. I suggested a steam shower which she was on board with, she suggested a four person one that she could invite friends in to hang out. We have not redone the other baths but I expect them to be something we both can agree on. For example she suggested stone basin sinks, I am good with that probably not my first choice but sure. I don’t really have a me part of the home.
Her inheritance is not here yet and has nothing to do with the costs of the .5 update. Even if it did funds have been combined for many years and I have never said I make more so my opinion matters more. A sudden increase in funds does not change that.
I think the home should be an overall nice place for both of us through compromise, I know she wanted her old stuff so she took an room to do whatever in.
Specific to this beyond hating the look, we are currently down the bathroom. That type of toilet seems harder to install, maintain, and lacks the features of modern toilets.
Well, home renovations could certainly put a strain on a relationship. I’m curious what you guys do for a living?
i have two reasons why it’s important.
First, is that you seem have been blessed financially and when that happens people usually want to satisfy every craving they have and get that out of their system first before they grow out of it, and material things become less important.
Second reason is that what you do for living you carry home. For example, a construction worker or electrician has very different interests and needs in home and how it looks for him as opposed to a doctor, scientist, or an artist. A doctor works in a very clean and white environment, hands in alcohol all day, and sterilizes everything before and after surgery. To him a smell of bleach in public bathrooms is comforting feeling. Now imagine a doctor marries a woman with a hippy background who is dedicated to recycling and re-using everything; instead of regular cleaning supplies, she uses old cut up T-shirts and cleans with questionable ingredients. That’s a nightmare to a doctor and most likely turn him into an anxious paranoid stressed out man at home wanting to take control over.
I would suggest that when you budget for the toilet, if you decide to do it, set a little money aside so should you move you can convert it back.