I find that I can easily talk to guys and have many male friends/acquaintances – although I’m usually suspicious of ulterior motives. On the other hand, I find girls seem to dislike me before they even talk to me. I try to focus on talking to women over men but have a hard time building an immediate connection. In the end, after failed attempts to build relationships with women, I often resort to speaking with guys in order to not be left out. I really want to focus on building female friendships but don’t know how to prevent women from being off put by me and how I can hold better conversation. I have a few female friends but never as part of a group of women. In fact, the only place I’ve ever felt like part of the “in-group” is in queer spaces- but I shy away from them because I’ve only dated men and am traditionally femm presenting. Are there different things that women tend to value in conversation/relationships over men? Are the rules of female friendship different? It feels weird to ask this question as a woman but I really miss having platonic, trust worthy relationships within a group context.
About me: I’m a cis American woman, often in international or mixed nationality spaces.
4 comments
Females have different expectations than guys when it comes to social interaction. Are you using bad manners that tend to turn females away? Females also have different interests than males do, so talking about things like cars and video games around females might bore them and get them to think that you might be a better fit for a guy than a girl. I also think that guys do have a greater sense of loyalty than girls do since there is more competition in the female culture than there is in the male culture.
What are your interests? Whatever they are might be why you gravitate towards men (at least conversationally). What was your upbringing like? Matriarchal or patriarchal household? More brothers, sisters, or only child? Were you rather tomboyish growing up? If you have a lot of “masculine energy,” women might be put off by that, especially if they’re used to exclusively feminine energy within their friend group. Also you might be overthinking things when talking to women, automatically putting up your guard subconsciously (maybe because you’re more worried about how women perceive you than you are about how men perceive you. Either way, I’d say don’t worry about making friends with women purely because you’re looking to have more women friends, because then you’re not looking to make friends (but instead to collect more females). No matter how niche your passions, there are men and women who are involved. Sure some passions may speak more to one gender compared to the other, but I can’t think of any passion that is exclusive to one gender. You do you. And along your journey of just rocking on with your bad self, you’ll find someone who’s all about that and will want to be your friend, and will be another woman.
If you’re attractive, guys might put up with more awkward/rugged conversations for obvious reasons. Don’t know if that’s the case at all, just throwing it out there. Basically, if you’re attractive you may get by easier when people are physically attracted to you, so you haven’t really had to work hard on social skills.
cis femme here and I often feel the same