My (34m) wife (32f) and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost 7. This year has been very hard on me as my father had a minor stroke in Feb and my mom broke her hip and needed surgery last week. I am very close with my parents. They have done a lot for me in my life and I show them nothing but respect.
My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday and told me that she thinks our marriage is over because I went and saw my mom in the hospital on the weekend when we had company visiting.
Last month when my father had a minor stroke, I came home after a long day at the hospital and was giving the silent treatment. I was very disappointed by this reaction and questioned our relationship to myself afterwards.
My wife also has no contact with any of her family. I always suggested that she reconcile with them because I can tell that it makes her sad from time to time. We have 3 young children together and I don’t want to end the marriage, but I also feel like I am walking on eggshells and don’t have my own freedom. I do most of the cooking and cleaning and pay the majority of the bills.
I’ve been threatened with divorce so many times in our marriage that I feel numb to the threat and sometimes consider if I would actually be happier without her. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like she has no compassion for the tough time I have been going through this year.
23 comments
OMG wtf, your wife is toxic. To make you choose between your PARENTS and your marriage? then to manipulate you with threats of divorce? Sorry OP, but I’d be outta there.
Those are your *parents*; you are close with them so do not change that just to appease her or you will regret it. If she has no contact with her family, that’s her business but to make you do the same or something similar? no way in hell would I do that.
Your wife sounds incredibly selfish. It sounds like she is jealous you are close with your parents
It sounds like you guys are at the point where you likely need professional help. A couples therapist can help explain things in a way that will make it easier to understand and digest for both sides. They can help come up with a more reasonable solution
I don’t know why your wife isn’t close with her family but if it was traumatic, she may not see the value in you being close with you parents. We also are only hearing one side. While I would be at both of my parents hospital side without hesitation, I would also need to make sure things at home are good. If you are constantly with your parents, leaving your wife to deal with your 3 young kids, that will wear thin over time, even if she was supportive of you visiting your parents.
Staying in a toxic relationship for the kids is a classic mistake. Don’t make it.
Gtfo. This is unacceptable
Your wife is wrong here. Let me say , I wouldn’t pee on my mil if she were on fire. I have hated that woman a good 18 or our 20 years, but if she needs my husband, or me, I still do it.
I’m the one who spend hours protesting and fixing her property taxes saving her thousands without a thank you.
I’m the one who paid to get her heat fixed and then ac 9 months later
I took our daughter to see her while she was in the hospital and didn’t inject 10cc’s of air into her artery
You aren’t doing anything extreme for them or out of the ordinary
This has yuck written all over it. I could understand if you were an absent father because you were helping your parents so much but you are showing your kids an example because one day you and your wife might need assistance. Tell your wife how she would feel if she was an amazing mother like yours and then her kids just left her high and dry. The fact that you pay the majority of the bills, cooking, and cleaning. She cringes- that’s so gross and disrespectful to tell someone who is just doing something kind. I would recommend therapy and if she isn’t willing to work on it I’d go straight for divorce, your kids don’t need to be influenced by someone who only puts their needs first.
Good riddance to her. She sounds jealous.
Sir, call her bluff on the threatening with divorce. There is a point where you cut the apron stings but to flat out stop seeing your parents specifically with their health issues is nothing short of cold hearted. Honestly, see a lawyer and file D. You can stop it later if your wife comes to her senses. But you know, that ship may have sailed as her true colors have shown.
Maybe it’s me but the lack of love towards your wife in this post tells a lot. Most guys sacrifice a lot to be in a long term relationship and you sound like this is your line in the sand you won’t cross.
I’m sorry OP, maybe going to marriage counseling would help your wife process some of the trauma she has, but she should not be taking out her feelings on you because you care about and love your parents.
I literally could not imagine acting that way towards my husband or my in-laws. At the start of my relationship with my husband his mom went to the hospital and we couldn’t get in contact with her husband so I stayed with her at the hospital since my husband (boyfriend at the time) had a night class he couldn’t miss. If they were in the hospital now I would be there with my husband taking shifts to be with them. And he would do the same for my family. That’s what family does.
I really hope she can see the light.
She’s incredibly toxic.
Her history with her family is probably a factor but you don’t have the same issues with your family so it shouldn’t matter.
My ex made demands of me to limit ties to my family. For no reason – my family is amazing and they loved him like one of their own. I was told to talk to them on “major holidays only” and I got stonewalled when I went to a family funeral. It was so awful. I chose my family and I have no regrets.
Be concerned about partners who try to limit your access to healthy, loving people.
Your marriage is over, but not because you have a relationship with your parents.
What the actual fuck? The appropriate response to “My mother is in the hospital, but we have company coming over this weekend! What do we do!?” is to tell your company that (1) if they’re close enough to cancel and it not be a burden, then cancel and apologize because your mother is in the hospital, or (b) if they’re flying in internationally or spent a lot of money, apologize that you can’t be the best host ever, as your mother is in the hospital.
Telling your mother to fuck off and be alone in the hospital because your dad’s slightly stroked out is fucking cruel. It is demented, unless your parents killed the relationship with a variety of unforgivable childhood traumas. Jesus Christ. Your wife’s decision making on this issue, coupled with the threat that it was marriage ending, and her perpetual threat of divorce may mean there’s some deep fucking issues that require intense therapy to reveal.
Either that or she’s a fucking nightmare human who is so narcissistic that the day brightens and darkens solely for her, and you’re just a convenient bang-maid who pays the bills.
I am guessing that your advice that your wife reconcile with her family is meaningless because they went no contact with her to get away from her toxicity, so she has no control over restarting the relationships.
Then, she gets jealous because you and your family get along and she is not the center of attention.
No one should be diagnosed over internet posts, but I bet if you looked at the list of behaviors commonly exhibited by someone with narcissistic personality disorder quite a few would be familiar to you.
Together 27, married 24 yrs. Same toxic situation as yours, except my husband exhibited the same behavior as your wife.
We tried marriage counseling, he threatened divorce EIGHT times in our marriage, retained an attorney twice. The straw that broke the camels back is when he told our children he was leaving me while my dad was in they hospital dying after a hard fought battle with cancer. 7 days before my mother and I had to make the most difficult decision of our lives- to take him off life support.
After threat 6 I learned how to set a boundary with the help of a therapist. At threat 7- we separated, and I told him if he threatened one more time- that was it. Full stop no reconciliation, no joint marriage counseling. Marriage over.
Two weeks later, he threatened for the 8th time. This was almost a year ago.
I did not know I was being emotionally and verbally abused. He was/is selfish, mean, vindictive, spiteful, and controlling (all of HIS therapists words). He had problems controlling his temper.
I love him, he’s the father of my two children and I have spent 2/3’s of my life with him, but I cannot be in that toxic relationship any longer.
He has been going to therapy and says he has learned to control his anger- but he is still an asshole. He had a steady GF whom he cheats on. She thinks I left the greatest man on earth 🙄.
I digress. She sounds soooo much like my ex. Do not stay in this toxic relationship like I did for 20 years more than I should have. Do it for your family. Do you want your kids to grow up learning how to behave from her example?
I wish for you and your children to have peace, however achieved.
You only have your parents for a short time. They will not be here forever. Do what you can for them and you will never regret it. Your children are equally important and that needs to be understood by them and your wife. Are there any friends who can talk to your wife to help her understand? Sorry you are dealing with this, you are on a tightrope but hopefully you can maintain a balance to get through it. Otherwise it seems your wife needs therapy.
Read further comments further down. golf would be on hold for now. You have a lot of pressure but I bet she sees your recreation as a problem. Long walks with the family would be better. Take the kid to visit their grandparents too.
Your wife sounds so selfish, I’m sorry. Making you pick between your sick parents or your marriage is not fair in the slightest. She almost sounds jealous that she doesn’t have a good relationship with her family and wants to isolate you from yours 🙁
Plus what is she teaching your kids, that it is ok to just leave your family when they are ill. So I guess when she is older she is ok with her kids not talking to her ever again. WTH does she not have any empathy for you or your parents. She is horrible and you will need to teach your kids that it is ok to love your entire family.
What a selfish woman your wife is. One day they will be gone and you will regret it.
She is totally unreasonable and maybe she not a right partner for you and she is very toxic
BRUH
Your wife is legit crazy. This is crazy. Your dad had a stroke, your mama broke her hip, and *this* is how she responds?? JFC
I wonder how your wife would feel if your child’s partner told them to stop talking to the both of you because it made them (the partner) uncomfortable. I’d imagine she wouldn’t be too happy about that. I have a feeling your wife is projecting her personal issues with going no contact with her family onto you and your relationship with your parents. That is not okay.
First, your parents are not going to be around forever and if you cut contact to appease your wife, you’ll likely regret it when your parents pass.
Second, it is so incredibly SELFISH of your wife to essentially emotionally bully you into going no or low contact with your parents. She has no right to dictate who you can and cannot talk to in your family.
I’m sorry if I come off as rude or aggressive but your post hit a sore spot with me. I’m very close with my parents and cherish that I was blessed with such a close bond that many people don’t have. I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time.