I’ve never liked myself and always hated who I am. Struggled with low confidence. I’ve been on a self-improvement journey for a while now but don’t see any results from it. I have this internal pressure of being perfect.
I started working out 6 months ago doing weightlifting 7 days a week, my strength seems to be improving yet I feel insecure about my physique. I still have squishy belly fat. I thought working out would make me more confident yet I feel even less confident.
I’ve improved my income with a new job that pays me a low six-figure salary, yet I feel insecure about not being wealthy enough.
I feel like I’m never going to be good enough as a man. I always feel like I’m not man enough. These constant thoughts put me under constant stress and anxiety.
22 comments
Therapy can help with this.
I am sorry to tell you this, but that feeling you have only really goes away when you are dead. I have spent many sleepless nights thinking, am I good enough, did i do everything i could today to provide for my family. could have done more when I was younger to help myself out.
I feel you, i dont have a solution
But it sounds like you’re doing really great, and im really proud of you.
Remember that life is a marathon and not a race, everyone is working toward stuff, and actually everyone is imperfect and dealing with their own inner stresses.
Make a realistic plan for the future, including short and long term goals that you can reach and use that to both track how much progress you make and keep your focus on your goals.
Fake it til you make it.
Self care is important
I found a wonderful woman who loves me despite my flaws. (How? I liked her a lot, she liked me too)
I have two daughters who looked up to me (they’re in their 20s now and a little more objective)
I retired financially secure (I have no boss that I need to impress)
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So, I don’t longer need to care what people think of me.
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Who are *you* trying to impress?
I do what I want to do for me. Not for my wife, nor for my kids, for me. I get in shape because I want to be healthy and live a good life. I don’t do it because my wife makes fun of my soda belly. I have zero time to worry about anything external. I need to take care of myself and my family. That’s it.
I have a low 6 figure income. I know I need to make more with the way corporate greed is going, so I study and do things to improve my chances. I don’t feel insecure at all. I guess it’s a growth mindset. I want to look back one day and know I gave it my all for myself and my family, no regrets.
In most cases insecurity is learned from toxic father/mother figure in our early years. Talk to a therapist to address the distorted ideas about yourself that you may not remember, but is misguiding you today. Good Luck.
You’re way better off than most people, you need to consciously challenge all these negative thoughts (I struggle a bit with the same but doing this has definitely helped me)
I’m fatter than you and make less money than you and still think I’m pretty great. I have my own insecurities that pop into my head all the time, but that’s just life.
There will never be a magical day where you wake up and suddenly it’s all better. It’s a day by day, inch by inch thing. Eventually your positive thoughts will be stronger than the negative ones.
Live your life. Be grateful for this absurd and random existence that you’re experiencing. One day it’ll end. Whether you’re fat and poor or jacked and rich.
Just be healthy, be kind, and be a good friend to yourself.
I’m going to tell you something right now. You need to take some time out of your busy life to speak with a therapist. This is not a dig at all. You need to find the will to stop. Stop caring what others think. Stop the voices that beret you, convincing you that you aren’t enough. A decent therapist can provide you some tools.
As a man, you are going to endure constant struggle and challenges. You simply do not have time to waste on engaging in insecurities. It takes too damn much out of you. Just reading this little bit from you, I am almost positive that you suffer from a self perpetuating cognitive dissonance in who you are. I am very familiar with this trait. You are doing exceedingly well for yourself and doing great things to improve upon that. While Pride may be a sin, excessive humility is crippling. Don’t give it power over you.
Okay, first of all you must clear your thoughts about the people you think you must be perfect for. NOBOBY IS PERFECT. When you have the understanding that you don’t have to prove something to other people at all, this will remove some weight of your chest.
All these described thoughts sound for me that you have the false idols. Sure a 6 figured income is nice but do you have the time to be happy? I think with a six figured income you are pretty wealthy. It really always depends on the situation. I make the double salary like my little brother. He live on the country, I live in the city. At the end of the month I have the same money over as my little brother. So the wealth always depends on the point of view.
At last the sport: I go every second day to the gym for like a year now (mostly for my back, but also for my belly). The first compliments for my body change came after 10 months. Sure the strength increase like hell but the fat is the last thing which is going away. So don’t give up and give your body some rest like a day between the workouts.
I’ve got no advice, but congrats on the changes you’ve made so far.
But yeah I also feel like I’m not good enough, it’s sort of a constant background feeling a bit like background radiation. It’s there but it occasionally builds up a bit but mostly it’s just a constant underlying feeling.
Don’t compare yourself to others, just be better than yesterday you.
I don’t see myself having any insecurity I just know what I am and what I am not. Knowing my limitations and lot in life does not mean I have insecurities.
Ignore it
I just accept im a loser. Go about my day like normal.
Lifting weight is a years long endeavor, not a mere 6 months mate
To the exercise part: When I was very fit, I still thought I was fat. I look at pictures from long ago, vs a couple years ago, vs now, and the difference is noticeable. But what’s interesting is that feeling my body and looking in the mirror hasn’t actually changed. In my head I looked and felt the same at 260, 235, or 185. Which obviously isn’t true.
With respect to the fitness piece: calories in, calories out. Body weight x 16 = the number of calories and the number of grams of protein you must consume MINIMUM daily for growth. Do not be in the gym 7 days a week – that’s for a professional bodybuilder. Stick to 3 or 4. Work each body part at least twice a week.
With respect to your self-esteem: everyone is saying see a psych professional, and I agree, but do so with intention. What you need to do is investigate WHY you feel the way you do. What part of your life or childhood kicked this off? Also, you will need to acknowledge that you are wrapped up in a toxic belief system that is detached from reality, then choose to be willing to unhand that belief system. Day by day.
Why are you weightlifting seven days per week? That is too much. If you want an improved physique, you need to allow your body to rest. Are you doing cardio at all?
How old are you, man?
No one ever talks about how some body dysmorphia is normal and usually lasts till your mid 20s and you realize no one you’ve had sex with has ever shrieked in terror. I’ve had a squishy belly forever. Got down to 158 in his at 6ft and still didn’t have abs. I’ve spent the rest of my life between 185-220 always had a belly. Still did decent with women bc still handsome and developed a personality.
Money- I didn’t date seriously bc I thought I needed to make the low 6 figured women expected and were honestly looking for and so I basically talked them out of dating me. Now, I’m 31 and while I make that, most people don’t and it doesn’t stop them from getting into wonderful and healthy relationships or having fun. There’s lots of 35-40 yr old servers and bartenders with Peter Pan syndrome making $40-$60k and they’re slaying 21-25 year old waitresses bc that’s their sweet spot.
Where the real growth happens- it’s all internal. I’m lucky enough to be an alcoholic and IOP made me start from zero. I quit at 25 and had to face the ugly and underdeveloped sides of myself I had been avoiding since my teenage years. Worms had higher self esteem. I had to truly remember and cling on to my great qualities get through early recovery and build myself up in a healthy way. I LOVE myself and my weirdness and people can see it all. The quiet confidence I have is from competence and self love. That work is all internal. You’ll be happier when you do it. Also, realize not everyone is for you. Girls who love gym bros might not be that into you, but who cares? So many don’t bc they don’t want that kind of routine and restriction. And they’re still super hot and they will like you bc you like you. You’re selling the authentic version of yourself as something that deserves to be on a top shelf and if you’ve built a great product and sell it well they will love it.
What you’re going through is something every guy does and there’s a TON of bad advice out there. People will tell you you’re not this or that enough and I’m seeing generation of men more insecure and judgmental of eachother than women during the “nothing tastes better than skinny feels” era and it’s all bullshit. I am tall, I am hairy, slightly overweight, I am funny, and moderately successful statistically, but you know what women harp on with me (besides height? Bc it’s overly important to a lot of women) it’s the way I make them FEEL. I’m Im super attentive. I make them feel special and I pay attention to their body language, remember what they like, how things made them feel, and I probably overcorrected giving up the booze in my sex life, but that’s more attentiveness.
I do very well with women and it’s because I don’t listen to dating coaches and I’m very happy bc I realized that happiness is never right around the corner with another accomplishment. It comes from knowing yourself deeply and loving yourself.
Lead with your strengths and manage your weaknesses. If you’re not enjoying the gym, just do enough to be healthy. If you’re a good earner, then earn. Read and consume as much stuff as you can to be able to speak to a little bit of everything but listening is the most important.
Good luck out there.