Ill be using non-specific pronouns to keep this as anonymous as possible.
My partner and I are both young adults (M/F,28) and have been together for around 2 years.
For the first year, we would alternate between our two residences, but i’ve since moved in with them to cut significant costs on rent, commuting, etc. Living together is great and we get along well, but they have an elderly relative that lives with us too and im slowly getting more and more frustrated.
To start off, my partner and I pay the mortgage/property taxes, 2/3 of utilities, and wifi. The relative pays for most if not all of the tv provider (we dont watch it ourselves), 1/3 of utilities, and pays for the majority of the usual groceries, but I buy a lot of my own things due to different tolerances. My partner seems to think the relative pays for a lot of the expenses and is really the main reason the relative is still living here. I personally dont think so, because I know service and utility costs would be a lot less with them here (constantly leaves lights on, high water usage, tv is on 24/7, etc)
They are also in the position where they would like it to be just us in the house, but again, a lot of it comes down to expenses. We are planning on moving just the two of us to a different county as soon as we can, but a lot of my finances are currently tied up in paying off student debt and I wouldn’t have enough for a down payment for another year or so.
I feel a lot of frustration towards the relative because I feel like I dont have any privacy, I cannot go into the kitchen to make myself anything without them coming and “coincidentally” needing to be in there too which leads to them hovering over me, or im struck with them constantly complaining about things no one has any control over and it is mentally and emotionally draining. The relative also treats my partner like a child, and will try to persuade me to be controlling towards them in the way a parent would, which I find is horribly disrespectful to our relationship. There is also a massive lack in communication, as im often expected by the relative to do certain tasks I dont mind doing, but they dont ask if I will do it that day (cooking, cleaning, yard work) and will just leave things out so I can deal with it. I cannot stress how annoying it is having all of the ingredients for dinner thawed and set out for the entire day with the expectation that its what im cooking, or even feel like having. The relative also gets extremely frustrated if I dont eat something they’ve made, which 9/10 times is because its something I cannot have without getting sick.
My partner knows I am frustrated and tells me to tell the relative off, but I feel like my frustrations would get the better of me in that situation and make things messy. Every time I bring this up, Im always told to make an appointment with the bank so we can move, knowing very well I dont have enough to even have a conversation about it. Or maybe I should get my own place. My partner also gets frustrated and stressed by the constant neediness from the relative, and having to be the bridge of communication between them and me because they cant be bothered to message me directly despite being fully capable of it.
Has anyone had any similar situations where they have had to live with a relative or roommate they didnt particularly like? I have no idea how long my mental/emotional state can hold up before I snap. I feel like the entire situation is taking away from mine and my partners intimacy because we’re not truly on our own and the quality of our relationship is declining.
TL;DR Partner’s relative lives with us and is putting a toll on my mental and emotional health
4 comments
Have you tried sitting down with your partner and the relative to establish clear boundaries and expectations? It may be uncomfortable, but it could prevent further frustration and improve everyone’s living situation.
Ive lived in similar situations before, and can nearly guarantee they are aware of your feelings and don’t care. They likely don’t care for your presence in the house or your specialized diet, and would prefer it to go back to just them and their child. That’s not realistic, so minimizing contact might be the way.
The kitchen seems to be a high point of conflict. Your special meals as compared to theirs, could you subscribe to a meal prep service or buy already made food and just store it in the fridge in portions?
Take yourself out of the role of cook and make it well known no one needs to cook for you. Just heat up a meal and get out of dodge. Get a mini fridge and store it separately if others eat on it.
you dont have to tell the relative off, however you can tell your partner that you would like all bills divided by 3 moving forward. If the relative can not pay their share, your partner will pay for it for them. Why should you go through a financial burden and live like this? Because your partner wants you to?
Its not fair they dont pay an equal share, I would not sacrifice my home, my money, my sanity, etc and PAY MORE. I would not budge from the bills being split 3 ways, or the relative moves out asap. Your partner can choose how they want to go about it. Now you can tell your partner, he can go deal with the issue. Now this gives you space to save up/pay off things. Do not sacrifice your home willingly.
Or maybe this will make you realize maybe this relationship isnt the best for you, as you can see how your partner is handling this; KNOWING you are at your wits end with it al, and the strain on the finances;
Maybe the dinner thing is as simple as asking the family member to cook some days?
As for the thing where they don’t leave you alone, wear earphones with music on. “Sorry, listening to music right now. I’ll chat later.”
I think you could also ask your partner to talk to their family member. They can ask them to give some space/privacy, or to help cook more often.