Let me start this by saying I love my boyfriend and I do really care for him. However, it’s been a growing problem with me that I’ve become so embarrassed to be seen walking next to him. This is mainly because of the way he dresses and the way he holds himself in public. Now I know people say something like, “if you love someone, it won’t matter what they look like on the outside” or something like that, idk.
Specifically, I think the way he dresses doesn’t look “normal” , his hair is always a mess, and he always has his keychains on the side of his pants that jingle like it’s Christmas or something- There’s more that I nitpick at in my head, but I won’t list it here.
I don’t make a big deal of any of this though, because I know he likes how he dresses and looks. And it shouldn’t be up to me to control that. I completely understand that. He wears what makes him happy and I don’t want to change that for him. He treats me well and does all the things a good boyfriend does. And I honestly love him for that.
The problem shows up when we go somewhere in public together, I become so embarrassed to be seen with someone who looks like the way he does, and I feel like such an awful person for feeling that way too. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. He asks me why I don’t want to go on dates with him, but I don’t want to tell him it’s because be embarrasses me.
What should I do? is it normal to hate how your partner looks?
Edit: I know I sound like a super shallow person for feeling this way, and I feel really really bad abt it cus I know it’s not right- which is why I’m asking u guys for help
another edit: I never really noticed these things until now. It’s been almost 3 years and I’ve slowly just been losing interest. It’s more than his appearance, I made another post on this subreddit before, asking for advice with that too-
He has always had these behaviors and this appearance, and it didn’t really bother me much before because I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. Now I can’t stand the idea and I’m not sure why that changed. He definitely did not change either in the way he dresses, behaves, and how he treats me. And it was never my intention to change him when we started dating.
22 comments
Do him a favor and leave him so he can find someone not as precious as you đ¤
Are you two of different backgrounds?
Whatever it is, this sounds like a you problem.
i feel so sorry for your bf.
ETA- 2 of the things you noted arenât âappearanceâ theyâre mannerisms. if something he does all the time bothers you and gives you the ick that bad, even if itâs something that doesnât directly affect or hurt you, YOU are the problem. you knew from the beginning it bothered you and you should have either dealt with it or left the first time you realized.
Face it he’s not what you really want. Fix it or it will get ugly.
It sounds like youâve given yourself the ick over him. Iâd question whether youâre actually compatible at all because this stuff wouldnât bother you
Chemistry is just as important as compatibility. It seems you are incompatible in social chemistry. You’re right in that it isn’t your job to dictate his appearance, but I do wonder if this will eventually ruin your relationship if you can’t have an honest conversation about it. If you don’t want to talk with him about it, I do think you’re just incompatible in that social chemistry and should leave the relationship.
But, if you really do love this guy, there may be a way to guide him in a way that he might or might not pick up on immediately. Ask if you can do his hair. Act like you’re falling behind him in steps and ask him to walk slower. Ask if you can be taken on a formal restaurant date where you two can really dress up. Better yet, you should offer to pay for a date like that so it is less pressure on him. You just have to take these things slowly. It’s a form of conditioning. It’s a shitty thing to do, though. But, sometimes it does work.
I mean I wouldnât date someone who wasnât willing to look nice for me.
It’s understandable, the situation you’re in. You want to be with someone who you’re not embarrassed by. No one likes being embarrassed. Not sure if he’s always been like this imand you hoped you could change him and are now talking yourself out of it or what, but clearly this matters to you. You want someone that you’re proud to be seen with.
That’s ok. Important, actually.
Either way, you’ll have to address this or leave him, unless you can manage to completely change and override your feelings permanently (good luck with that). I’d suggest (based on my assumption you haven’t brought it up before) that you gently and kindly ask him if he would dress up for you on dates because you think he looks handsome, hot, etc whatever you call him when he does and it makes you happy.
This is a step. If he’s not even into that, bail. Don’t try to change him. Explain that you and he are on different paths and it hurts you but you must move on.
If he is willing to dress up for dates, first you should be appreciative of that OUT LOUD. (No one ever bothers to say the damn compliments or thank yous anymore). And at this point, maybe you should consider if it bothers you how he dresses so much that you can’t ever stand it or if it’s ok with you as long as he cleans up for certain agreed upon times. If you still feel the need for overhaul, bail. You won’t change him down to the core. You can’t.
If you are happy with a compromise, politely discuss it without accusation (he hasn’t wronged you by not doing something you never even asked him…) and positively reinforce with lots of affection and gratitude. And then leave it at the agreed terms. Don’t try to slowly inch it over time the way you want it. He will immediately notice your desire to control him and resent you for it.
When you are embarrassed that’s not a good thing. It’s not going yo go away. She doesn’t even want you to see in public with him. I’ve had someone try and change my attire. Guess what, she is there and I’m here. You need to face facts and roll on out.
Goodness.. My heart goes out to him. If you didn’t like him, why didn’t you leave him alone so that he could find someone who truly loves him for who he is?
Compromises are always a part of any healthy relationship. So is having conversations and communicating. Just talk to him, these are so pathetically minor and the only reason they have become glaring to you is because youâve noticed them for so long and said nothing about it. Either have the conversation to keep your relationship healthy or drop it, because you know itâs a you issue but you donât want to be a participant without a âquick fixâ to something that isnât broken. So go talk with this other person who deeply cares for you.. who knows maybe there are some things heâd want to mention to you.
I feel really bad about this but ⌠have you wondered what your close family / friends think?
My best friend had the same situation you described. Her and her bf are not remotely on the same level physically. He looks so different than any of her exes. She has yet to post a photo of them together on social media (itâs been a year). I have no idea what sheâs doing with this guy.
You lost attraction for him, plain and simple. Shit happens đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
If you really love him do him a favor and leave him before you lose all respect for him.
I think your priorities in life changed and he doesn’t quite fit the bill anymore
Donât listen to these people coming down on you. Your taste has changed. Your a different person. People grow apart. Peoples lives lead them in different directions. Depending on your age, it will happen again. It will happen to you. Time to just move on
The grass is always greener on the side you water it. It doesn’t sound like you dislike the person. Have you tried positive reinforcement? When they do dress up, do you go out of your way to appreciate and reinforce the behavior you like? Maybe they’re not showing up in the way you want because it doesn’t feel worthwhile to them.
If they’re in a relationship with you, they want to feel desired by you. Maybe I have it all wrong, but personally a person will just give up and go through the motions if they care about someone, but don’t get reciprocation. And as it sounds like you’re resenting this person due to their attire and mannerisms, and not speaking at all about how they treat you/Are they respectful etc.
You sound a lot like my ex. From what I can tell, you just flat out got bored of his personality and thereâs no point in continuing in this relationship. Heâs not objectively wrong for dressing the way he does, heâs being authentic to himself. Itâs just that you are not attracted to that anymore for whatever reason. Do him and yourself a favor and just end it.
I was literally just like your bf. My ex would nitpick about how I dressed, how I talked in public, the activities I pursued (Iâm a motorcycle riding hippy and I stick out like a sore thumb sometimes). She asked me to tone it down, I tried and it ate me up inside. Soon after we broke up, itâs like I became me again and I was free to dress and talk however I wanted. You are not doing him any favors by asking him to change, he shouldnât have to. He should be with someone who loves him the way he is.
Its not him, its you.
He deserves alot better than your shallow ass
You need to leave him for his sake. The longer you draw it out the more he will be hurt in the long run when you finally decide to do it. Iâve been there, treated my wife like a queen, did everything for her I could, worked myself to the bone to support her and still wasnât good enough in the end. Thatâs devastating to hear someone you love tell you that. Let him go find someone that will appreciate him before he does something silly like proposes.
Did you consider buying him articles of clothing, jewelry etc thereby giving him a hint? Itâs like offering a mint to someone with foul breath without saying anything.
After you two became a couple, did you start dressing differently maybe lost weight, overhauled your wardrobe? I lost a lot of unnecessary weight and bought new clothes and felt great about myself. I understand how that can change a person down to their core.