Girlfriend is making me choose between my sex toys and her

45 comments

1. this is a toxic behaviour. everybody needs to enjoy themselves, why shouldn’t you have the possibility to give some love to yourself?

2. I don’t react well to ultimatums, so she’d get dumped for that.

3. This isn’t a choice between her and sex toys, it’s a choice between her and your self respect. If you spend the time to get her an orgasm, you deserve the same on your own time.

   This is a reasonably boundary FOR YOU, expectation of privacy, and just general self sufficiency whereas she is demanding something a lot more codependent in a way I doubt she is even willing to fulfill.

   Don’t do it man.

4. Choose the toys.

   This isn’t about choosing between her and toys, it’s choosing between controlling, toxic behaviour and agency over your own body. It’s one thing for her to be insecure about it or bring it up, that’s something a lot of people experience and which can be worked through and discussed. It’s another thing altogether to try and control your masturbation by giving you a ridiculous ultimatum.

5. She needs to go. She’s jealous and insecure about what you do when you’re alone. RED FLAG and your life would be hell with her if you choose her.

6. Not gonna lie, I was fully on your side but you lost me at the end. The way you talk makes it seem like your sex life with your partner and making sure she is equally satisfied is a chore for you. It doesn’t sound like the two of you are sexually compatible and should probably split.

7. “Anything that’s not natural will never touch our skins” geez… I don’t know how to break it to her, but is she wearing clothes? Using a bed? Does she live naked in the woods? Yeah, probably not. She just feels insecure and is blaming your toys. Thing is, once toys are gone, she still feels insecure, and she’ll need something else to blame.

8. Hey OP, as you feel pressured – remember this has nothing to do with choosing between a woman and toys, but rather everything to do with choosing whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn’t allow you space to explore your own pleasure.

   I could totally see your GFs point if you were foregoing actual sex to masturbate, but it sounds like it’s something you’re doing on your own time.

   Frankly as soon as someone started trying to hold my personal sex life hostage I’d end it, but it’s worth at least a long conversation about why she feels that way.

9. This is sexual incompatibility and probably more since it probably stems from a conservative or religious core values. I would ask her why she thinks that and ask for an open and honest conversation and then decide if you wanna stay in this relationship or not. It’s been just 5 months so you really wanna spend more time with someone sexually closed like that?

10. If you were to relent you will regret it. People like this thrive in control and once she sees it work? It’s me or the PlayStation. It’s me or your favorite chair. It’s me or you get this haircut. Cut ties or stand your ground.

11. So so so toxic. It’s time to leave her I’m afraid

12. This is super toxic.

    Look back at that post you wrote. Now, imagine another 10 years of this kind of behavior. This is not the future you want.

    Besides, you two are already sexually incompatible. She doesn’t like sex toys, you do. Not gonna work out. She will forever be jealous of them.

13. Don’t dump her (yet), kinda surprised about some of the reactions here. Maybe it makes her feel insecure. Talk to her about it.

14. I agree with my fellow Redditor’s, this ultimatum is silly and maybe stems from a place of insecurity or shame. Toys can be a very healthy part of your sex life. You should try explaining that to her on how you personally feel about them and what a source of positivity they have been for you, and especially, you don’t appreciate her sex shaming.

15. She showed you that she is controlling… Believe her.

16. If the roles were switched and it was the woman who had to choose between sex toys or a relationship, there’d be no question. It’s the same here. If it honestly threatens her, she needs to get over it or move on.

17. I agree with most of the comments here. Probably worth leaving.

    But first, maybe ask her what it is about sex toys that bothers her. If she doesn’t want you using it in bed, that’s fine, but on your own time why not?

18. Yeah, male sex toys sometimes are perceived as competition for woman, they feel insecure as if we were going to compare between them and the toys. I been in that situation before.

19. Just throwing my 2 cents, but if you can’t just chill in silence, let the feelings tingle, and drift off into relaxation, WITH your partner AFTER being intimate with them, then your sex life is shit and your partner is toxic. Furthermore, no one should be receiving that much foreplay, and not be reciprocating it.
    Sounds to me given the other context you’ve provided, you’re in a relationship with a pompous, controlling, emotionally immature individual. I’d break it off, enjoy your toys and go find yourself a woman worth her salt.

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21. Doesn’t fully sounds like it’s about the toys, rather insecurities. Relationships are hard, talk to her. If that doesn’t work maybe it’s not meant to be.

22. That’s not how partnerships work. Either find a counselor to meditate this conversation between you two, or move on.

23. 4 fleshlights, do they feel different?

24. Ask her why she is so insecure. That’s where I would start.

    I went through a very similar situation myself. Fortunately, after some deep conversation, my partner opened up to toys. It was mostly just a combination of cultural stimga and fear of the unknown. Once she got over that hump, there has been no turning back lol She initiates and asks for the toys now.

    On the second point, what exactly is the point of 1 hour of foreplay? Does it take her that long to finally to get the point were she can feel like she is coming climax? Or is she just delaying things as long as she possible can till you give up? Honest question.

25. You had me until the end.

26. First off, I wouldn’t “insist” on doing anything. Maybe that’s just a poor choice of words, but that just comes off sounding creepy.

    Second off, no one, girlfriend or not, has the right to tell you what you can do with your own body. That includes sex toys.

27. Deliver her a similar ultimatum. Accept the toys or fuck off.

28. As a woman that struggles to O and also takes a while…she should get some toys

    Easy choice to make. Get yourself a partner that enjoys toys in the bedroom and isn’t controlling

29. It’s an unreasonable request.

    But try to find middle ground. No toys with her, maybe. No fleshlights when you she’s in the house.

    If not that, maybe this just isn’t the right match for you.

    Remember : The greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. Selflove. You’ll always have you. 😉

30. One word stands out that sets me on edge, and that word in the 3rd sentence is ” OUR.”

31. In this case, I understand why she’d be insecure because you are using them to replace her. You’re using them because you enjoy cumming without feeling the need to be a good partner.

    That’s not wrong at all, but I would definitely feel insecure if my fiance told me that he choses to jack off because I’m too much work to deal with. Obviously, that’s something to discuss with her. You sound very exhausted with her and, just from this brief excerpt, it sounds like you don’t really want to be with her.

32. she is definitely a bit dramatic. personally, i would not be with a guy that used toys, but making a guy choose between me or smth else that he likes is not okay, thats why i chose someone that wouldnt ever use a toy lol. essentially, youre not compatible

33. [deleted]

34. I am a female. I use toys for the same reason. It’s nice to be able to skip the foreplay and the mess afterward. I really only need foreplay with a partner.

    I would explain that this is no replacement for her. It is just a tool you use to please yourself. I know that with females, masturbation helps increase sex drive. Knowing has helped my husband. I would explain that masturbation helps with your performance (or however you find it helpful to your sex life)

35. I know im gonna get hate for this. But damn. The ‘nothing unnatural’ bit is odd but this was handled so poorly on BOTH ends. She gave an ultimatum instead of talking to you about it, but also she set a boundary on something she was uncomfortable with and you treated her like she was crazy. Hell, you started the post out with ‘she overreacts’ which likely means if she had come to you in a reasonable, normal way about her feelings, you wouldve dismissed her. She has no right to control what you do with your own body but ill be damned if you didnt completely dismiss her feelings. How would you feel if she never wanted to have sex with you because you were ‘too much work’ and only ever used dildos and vibrators? And then told you you were overreacting if you were bothered by it? This is fucked from both sides

36. She should dump you. I wouldn’t want a man with a flesh light collection either, not saying you’re wrong for it, but you need someone more open minded & she needs to find someone more sexually compatible instead of demanding that you change for her. & like others have said, the end of your post is weird. It doesn’t sound like you enjoy having sex with her or in general. Why be with someone with an attitude like that about sex, sounds like you should be alone for a bit or have sex with out attachment

37. Then choose…

38. Don’t neglect her because of toys … make sure she’s taken care of. If you’re not satisfied and you tell her and she doesn’t care to help, then she needs to grow up.

39. How does she feel about wearing condoms?

    Or makeup?

40. Plenty of good advice provided here. I’m 41 and I’ve been with my wife for over 20 years… before being with her, I got around. She didn’t, and was a virgin. When we started dating, she was mostly not great at having sex. A few things she did ok/well, many things not.

    Flash forward to now, we’re now in our 40s, and happily monogamous. We’re having the best sex we’ve ever had, and my wife is a freak. We got this way through open communication, openly exploring each other’s sexual desires and making sure that each other feels heard/supported at all times.

    I only say this to give context that my wife’s ability to have sex on a porn star level that was full filling to my desires wasn’t there to start off with. However, she was relentless about her love and respect for me, her desire to communicate success fully and desire to steadily improve our collective life together. I obviously matched those qualities and level of effort… and here I am.

    I guess what I’m getting at is, matching perfectly on a sexual level is something is something that progresses over time. Matching on a respect, communication and commitment level is something that needs to be there from the start, at least to some extent.

    IMO, the sex toys are a red herring. What isn’t, is her desire to look at what your needs are, and to be bought in and here for it.

41. I’m gonna take a different tack than most people here.

    An option that’s open to you, is you can say “sure, I understand your upset, I’m not sure that my toys are the root cause. I’m happy to not use them if you’re interested in going to therapy with me to work through our different view points.” Or you can also just try to have a conversation with her about why she’s so vehemently against toys. I see your options moving forward are:

    1) Talk to her about why she’s so upset and see if you guys can work through it together.
    2) Try sex therapy to see if a moderator can help you guys get past this issue
    3) Evaluate how important your toys are to you in comparison to your current partner, can you give them up for a period of time while you guys work through this?
    4) Tell her to kick rocks – realize this may have social consequences since you guys have been friends for a while, I doubt she’s going to pull punches on why you dumped her.

42. 4 fleshlights huh? 🤔 may I ask why? I know nothing about them but I’m guessing they have different models?

43. Although the ultimatum was childish and unnecessary, I understand where she’s coming from. She values sex as an intimate act with YOU, no one else, nothing else, just something sacred she loves to share with you. She is fine sacrificing intimacy with toys, others, porn… etc. She waits to get off so it can be an experience to share with you. When you love someone, you often want to share everything with them, whether it be work gossip, favorite restaurants, or kids. Some people grow apart and wish to share less and less. She still values sharing sex with you as much as when you started dating. But it seems you are drifting away from her, and this value is less sacred to you. It can be hurtful. Before you sacrificed your emotional availability, getting her a towel…etc. But now you are less and less willing. That’s okay, but you should recognize that your values are shifting away from each other. Unless boundaries are agreed on and honestly fulfilled, you will continue to hurt her, and the relationship will no longer be fruitful.

44. I think you both have weird relationships with sex.

    She’s weird because of this bizarre thing with whatever “natural” means, but you’re weird for comparing sex with masturbating. If you really think that sex with your girlfriend is just masturbating with extra steps, you clearly aren’t actually attracted to her—physically or emotionally.

    Either way (both ways?), I’m not sure how you two are sexually compatible.

45. I an quite perplexed with a lot of responses saying you should pick a sex toy over a real woman.

    Wow. This is worrying.

    Op you should actually talk to your girlfriend about your masturbating. If she’s not okay with it because she feels like she’s competing with inanimate object, and you feel she’s denying you of your personal freedom, it would be best if you went your separate ways.

    I would say though that human connection and then sex built on top of that beats anything a flesh light could possibly offer.