Original Post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/11pb6qk/i\_23f\_feel\_like\_ive\_lost\_a\_valuable\_friendship/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/11pb6qk/i_23f_feel_like_ive_lost_a_valuable_friendship/)
**TL;DR: Boyfriend decided that friendship was too inconvenient and strained our relationship so much that he ended the friendship (which he says he didn’t take very seriously to begin with), while also thinking that doing so would somehow save my friendship with that person (I asked him specifically not to do that). Instead, she was angry at me and him and ultimately decided to end our friendship completely. Bf and I are both seeking individual therapy because this issue seems to involve something deeper with my insecurities, but also his lack of a serious attitude towards his friendships in general.**
I set some boundaries with John. I told him that when he goes out with friends, especially Mary, that he should just call me when he’s completely alone so that he can give me his full attention to avoid misunderstandings, but most importantly, that he needs to watch his language around me because it feels kind of devastating to my feelings when he says something like “balancing yours and Mary’s feelings” or mixing us up or claiming that he “didn’t meant to become friends with her”.
Realistically speaking, if John *did* have feelings for Mary (which is my suspicion), I don’t actually think I mind because the important thing is that he’s respecting my boundaries, being mindful of me, and, of course, that he doesn’t physically cheat on me (I don’t mind him having emotional friendships because my personal take is that it’s a normal, healthy and human thing to have multiple emotional relationships/friendships in your life). But I also made it clear that *in the future,* we need to have a conversation to acknowledge which friends we have that we share, but that I also need my own friends (and that I will not be okay with it if he seeks one-on-one chats/hang-outs with them moving forward because it is violating my own emotional needs. If it were me, the *only* reason that I would hang out with one of his friends one-on-one is because we are putting something together for John).
He agreed, but said that the situation with Mary felt out of hand (in the sense that he did not want to deal with finding boundaries or feeling guilty about the shift in my relationship with her), and he felt that the boundaries that I set still felt accusatory. So he decided to stop being friends with her (which I insisted was not necessary). But then, he suddenly didn’t want to tell her why and wanted me to talk to her instead.
So I did. I didn’t want to say nothing because Mary and I had both had it happen that our friends started dating and then ghosted us, and I didn’t want John to ghost her because it was a frustrating experience. I had a phone call with her and explained that John decided to end their friendship, and I explained the background of some of our issues and tried to make it clear that the issue was primarily that John and I were having communication problems and that for some reason, he didn’t want to solve them when it came to her but instead preferred to withdraw completely.
Mary got very upset. She said that she felt like I was making her the problem in this situation(and I reiterated that this was mostly about John’s communication and violating my boundaries) and that she doesn’t know why I would tell her that, then she said that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but would be open to trying again in the future. I can understand her feeling weird, but I think it’s one thing to say “I still care about you, but I want some space because I don’t want to feel involved” and another to say “I don’t want to deal with this so we aren’t friends at all until you figure this out on your own”
I’m kind of shocked. I thought that I was doing the right thing by letting her in on what’s going on after all (given the change in the circumstances), but I also feel like John kind of threw me under the bus by not talking to her after all. He insisted that he didn’t want to because he didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with the situation anymore and also that I’d made him promise not to (but this promise was months ago, and about me not wanting him to tell Mary that I have insecurities about her…. not about him not talking to her at all). Then again, I also feel like my friendship with Mary was actually a matter of what was emotionally convenient for her because she immediately decided not only to put distance, but to completely run away when the situation seemed emotionally inconvenient for her.
It’s put a real strain on mine and John’s relationship, and John kind of told me that he’s worried that he’s toxic because I was right and I *did* lose a friend as I predicted, and I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just mentioned that I feel that, since we’re a couple now, it isn’t really fair to take actions that involve people that I also have a relationship with without trying to respect my feelings or how my own relationship with that person will be impacted when he does something with them. I don’t know if this was a fair thing to say, but he decided to get in touch with his old therapist to address some of his own self-destructive emotional habits, and I’m looking for one as well because I can’t cope with a lot of these changes or some of John’s emotional needs on my own while minding myself + processing.
I don’t think it’s completely solved, but I think that we can slowly think about healing. If there are any additional insights though, they would still be much appreciated.