Hi everyone, as the title says after 4 years of being together Ive found out that my gf had a intimate night with her best friend and the husband(who have a very open relationship).
This goes back to the early stages of our relationship(2 weeks in) and found out by looking through her phone as Ive always had the feeling she’s a bit too friendly with them but everytime I would ask her about it she would just tell me nothing ever happened.
Needless to say we’ve all became best friends and went everywhere together, holidays, parties and so on so I got to know them very well and I know for sure they wouldnt ever tell the truth as when I confronted them they became very defensive and told me whatever happened is in the past and that they didnt know me back then.
The day Ive found out about it(about a month ago) I asked her what happened that night as the messages Ive seen werent telling exactly what happened but were implying sex and she started saying nothing happened then I left for a long drive as all of it was becoming too painful so she rang me begging to come back and crying she told me she slept with him but as soon as I got home she said she didnt and that she just said it cause she thought I was leaving her and wanted to give me a good reason for that.
Then she started telling me that she went over their place, had a few drinks with them and started dancing with her friend(female) while the husband was just watching, minding his own business. They started kissing and undressing each other, they got naked, ended up on the sofa on top of each other kissing all over the body but not going down on each other(as she says) and as soon as the husband jumped in she stopped saying she feels uncomfortable and she left.
Why do I feel like there’s more to the story and if there isnt why hasnt she told me in the 4 years we’ve been together?
34 comments
This smells like bs. Besides if this was true she should have told you about it, and put distance to them. Can you even confirm this was the only time they were intimate?
Btw, if you asked her to cut them from your lives completely over this, would she agree? You should leave her regardless, but her refusing should make it easier for you.
She is so full of crap. This is a version of it was just a kiss. She is making up stories. Ask again in another month the story will be different. Liars lie.
INFO
Two weeks into your relationship were you exclusive?
Edit to add: lol – thanks for the downvotes on asking a question.
You feel like there’s so much more because there is. The thing about cheaters is… THEY LIE. She’s trying to minimize her infidelity and spoon you sugared bs to save face.
Best thing you can do is cut it off now. She’ll make a scene, maybe try blaming you, but it’ll be worth it. If you stay with her after this, all you’ll be telling her is she can get away with whatever she wants. Cheaters never do it just once. She’ll do it again if she hasn’t already.
Trickle truth. You slready know what really happened, you just need to accept it and deal with it to suit you, not her.
what is your situation?
it’s like she’s in a relationship and you’re waiting in line to get involved
don’t get caught up in the stories, stay with it,
Over, it was never really started. Its 4 years of a lie
No relationship can be built on a lie. Its the foundation and without a foundation, it can not stand
It was the start of your relationship, the foundation. That is a secret between all 3 of them that was kept from you for 4 years. Even if her story is true (which i dont believe), she still cheated and that is a deal breaker for me. She chose them over the relationship with you.
She’s a liar and a cheat. Dump her and move on.
You’re so exhausting. Four years of this? If you didn’t trust the story, you should have broken up with her 4 years ago.
I can imagine that she was just not 100% sure about you at the start of the relationship. She is propably not proud and quite uncomfortable about what she did 4 years ago, thats why she she hesitated telling it to you. But it’s like 4 years ago and two weeks into the relationship.
What’s more important is, how she acts nowadays with other people.
OP,
You have to ask yourself this question,
She has already lied to you twice, so if you find out she lied and did have sex with them would you leave because she is a liar and a cheater?
She already lied to you twice, so if she didn’t have sex with them would you still leave her because she lied to you?
So, Without digging your never going to find the truth out. They won’t tell you the truth, by them saying that was before they ever met you sounds also like they are hiding things.
So for right now, while your thinking about what you want to do. Start making and exit plan. Financial, passwords, start splitting everything.
Stop talking to the couple and start grey rocking the girlfriend. Something will break, one of the three will break, it might take a little while but it will happen. Tell them never to step foot in your house/apartment.
Keep digging and you will find something.
If you say screw it and you want to leave, prepare well then do it. Just don’t jump ship quickly, make sure you have all of you ducks in a row first.
Look up the term trickle truth. It’s almost assuredly happening here and the depth of the lies will be what kills your marriage.
She’s been saying nothing happened for 4 years. Then they say whatever happened is in the past. Then she continues to say nothing happened. Then she says she had sex with them. Then she says she was lying and she didn’t have sex.
How can you believe anything she says? These people have been keeping a secret from you for years and have been laughing at you behind your back while they smile in your face.
If I were you, I would leave and cut all of them out of my life. Nobody needs people like that in their life, and you can definitely find someone better who you can trust, because you sure as shit can’t trust them.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Honestly it probably never stopped OP, she just got better at hiding. How often do the three of them hang out together without you?
“Nothing happened.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Something happened.”
“Nothing happened.”
“It was just a kiss.”
“Then we stopped.”
Dude… she straight-up had a threesome with these two then regretted it, hoping it would never be brought up, but they spilled the beans and she’s now panicking. It’s quite evidently trickle truth.
She lied to you. She got happily dicked down by someone else while in a relationship with you
OP, please don’t tell us that you’re so hopeless as to believe a damn thing she tells you. Here, I’ll tell you what happened.
They had a threesome. Your girlfriend sucked and fucked another guy, and a girl for extra measure.
Now choose what you want to do about it. You don’t need to get the whole story from her or her friend because you never will get the truth anyway.
> Needless to say we’ve all became best friends and went everywhere together, holidays, parties and so on so I got to know them very well
That’s got to be brutal. Knowing they’ve all been intimate with each other and kept you out of the loop. Guess you didn’t know them very well at all.
EDIT: Also, if she’s lying so much, I doubt it only happened once.
I can see wanting the truth but even if she banged ’em every which way… who cares? Two weeks into a fledgling relationship that probably didn’t have clearly defined lines and it was four years ago. Grow up, she wasn’t a virgin when you got together.
The whole time you were cool he secretly felt superior to you bc he had them both at the same time. Think of that power dynamic and reflect on the last 4 years.
Updateme!
Yeah she used that long car ride to try to make up a story that sounded good and still helped her feel like she was a good person.
Shame that that story was incapable of convincing anyone else.
The biggest disrespect is she made you friends with them. I’m not telling OP what to do but I would leave her and tell the friends to fuck off. It’s not about them not knowing you. It’s about being good moral people. Which they are proven to you they are not.
you being playing for a sucker. your girl has had her best friend’s husband’s penis inside her. what are the chances they didn’t go down on him at the same time?
For me, worse than cheating is lying. How can you plan a future together if you can not trust the words to come out of her mouth.
>she thought I was leaving her and wanted to give me a good reason for that
Come on now.
For 4 years the three of them have deceived you. She has looked you in the eye and told you she loves you. They have acted like your close friends. All the while knowing that they were lying to you. For me, that’s worse than the physical act.
There’s a lot for you to think about. But the biggest thing is whether she can be truthful.
It’s been as you put it, the best four years of your life. That’s not nothing, although you might have made a very different decision had you known. So your agency was stolen. That saying, your relationship since then has been real.
So, the questions for you to consider:
If she came completely clean, no trickle truth, do you think you could rebuild with her? That means showing her this article: http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts and telling her you are considering a polygraph. And that she has right now to come completely clean because any further disclosures would be the end.
What do you see as the place of these “friends” in your life? It would be reasonable to cut them out of your lives if that would help you feel safe. Is she willing to do what it takes?
Is she willing to get into therapy to work on her boundaries? See the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It applies to your situation very well.
Finally, if you’d like more than one option for moving forward get out of this sub. There’s only one answer here – end it. And while that may be what you do, other options are available and it’s worth learning about them. Try AsOneAfterInfidelity.
She fucked them. If you aren’t breaking up, you need to come to terms that your gf is a cheat and a liar and see if you can be OK with that.
She lied about having sex with the dude in order to give u a reason to leave her yet begging u to come back and then told u how she bravely pushed aside horny hubby as she was going at it with the wife….. wtf kind of nonsense is she spilling, to all the people out their in stable relationships count your blessings
Man, you don’t sound like you want the truth. You want to believe the lie, but that shred of self-esteem won’t shut up. How does her story make anything Ok? She still messed around with her friend in front of her husband, and you KNOW that’s not where it stopped. You just can’t avoid the thought of them going at it with her and then knowingly smiling behind your back for 4 years. She lied about nothing happening, from there on out, it’s just semantics.
How did you find out by looking through her phone? Did you scroll through four years of messages? They talked about it and text messages to each other?
I definitely don’t believe her. And even though it’s something that happened years ago to her, you just found out about it so it’s like it just happened.
Why are there messages from 4 years ago? Or are they still taking about their threesome?
Even if she’s being 100% truthful, she let you hang out with these people for 4 years without knowing what went down. No wonder you’re hurt and confused.