Did I (29f) violate my boyfriend (30m)?

Hi. Okay. So of course first of all, I’m going to talk with him about this tonight, but I want to put it somewhere outside of my head before that, so I can think better. And maybe get some advice on what to do from the masses. This is a very fresh thought, and it’s very disturbing to me.

Edited to rephrase a question.

Also, content warning: this post mentions and/or discusses depression and sexual trauma.

​

So, my boyfriend and I have a lovely relationship. Shared interests, similar senses of humor, a big dose of attraction, healthy discussions instead of arguments, and mutual care and support on top of a genuine friendship.

About 6 months ago though, he descended into a major depressive episode. It took a toll, as depression does, on him and on our relationship. He lost all interest in sex, said at one point that he didn’t feel love anymore, for anyone, and at a different point was quite convinced that he couldn’t “love me like I should be loved” anymore (in an emotional sense) and that he should “spare” the both of us from a guaranteed unhappy future by leaving me. It was dark. I get it though, I’ve been there before, so I wanted to hold his hand and be there for him through the darkness.

I reminded him that his absence of loving feelings or sexual interest is just anhedonia, a common symptom in a depressive episode, and that those things would probably go back to normal when the depression lifts. That I’m right here and not going anywhere in the meantime. I reminded him that he makes my life brighter, that I love him completely and even more when he’s going through it- and that there are a whole bunch of people in his corner who feel the same as me. When he thought to “spare” us, I told him “I would vote firmly to stay together, but I won’t stop you if you truly think that’s what’s best for you. But I do know that depression can convince people of all sorts of whacky things, and I think it might be good to get you through this episode before making any big decisions”. (He decided to stay.) I resisted the urge to initiate sex, and reminded myself that his libido would come back when the depression lifts.

And it has lifted. Mostly. He re-evaluated and decided he didn’t want to leave me after all, so we’re dusting things off and putting them back where they belong. But the one thing that isn’t going back to normal is the physical intimacy. We’ve discussed it some, including deciding to try Sensate Focus to reignite his libido. But we’ve not taken any actual steps. He apparently got a prescription for Viagra, but couldn’t bring his mind to a place of sexual intimacy or desire, so he didn’t initiate. He only told me of the prescription after multiple “failures” and throwing the pills away. I haven’t put much pressure on him aside from the inherent pressure that comes with discussing the topic. This is because I want him to have the space he needs to get reacquainted with himself, and because it’s unlikely to inspire desire if I badger him about sex. It’s been going like this for about 2.5 months now. I’ve asked twice if he wanted to try having sex, and was rejected both times. I tried to hide the hurt from him so as not to apply undue pressure, but he could see it.

The last time we talked about the situation, he said he feels like the last time we had sex, his sadness leaked in to the act and now anytime we get too close to intimacy, he feels sad and empty– a ghost of the depression feelings where he should feel desire. He says it’s the same when he’s by himself.

Unfortunately, I also know about sexual trauma, because I’ve been there too. I know very well the complicated emotions and thoughts that come with being violated by someone you love and trust. And I know that it doesn’t always look like a “classic” case, and that these situations may be difficult for the victim to even realize what it was. So maybe I’m extra-sensitive to, or on-the-lookout for red flags, or maybe that does actually sound like a symptom of sexual trauma.

The last time we had sex was the night he told me he was headed in for a depressive episode. I was unaware at the time, but by the point he told me, he’d already been declining for about a month and his depression was in full swing. I stayed the night at his place and while I was big spooning, I initiated. I wanted to show him my love. He didn’t say no or physically resist in any way, I of course would have stopped if he had. But in retrospect, he didn’t reciprocate very much either. Certainly less than normal. He kissed back and kept a hand on my hip throughout, but that was it. The other arm stayed down at his side. He only thrust back towards the very end of the encounter.

I had thought it was a tender moment, full of love and sadness. But since he said that, .. what if it wasn’t that way to him? What if he felt used and violated and uncared for in that moment? Too lost in the depression to do anything but passively let it happen? This would be the first time he was violated in that way, so what if he just doesn’t even know what that feels like emotionally? What if the lingering intimacy issues are due to me violating him while he was vulnerable? What if I exacerbated his depression? I’m sick to my stomach thinking that I may have passed that weight on to another person, especially this person that I love.

He hasn’t mentioned that he did feel violated, but I can’t let this thought go without talking about it and checking in with him. I’m terrified and ashamed. **How do I go about bringing this up? If he does feel this way, how do I go about repairing the damage?** Is it even possible to feel violated and not realize that’s what you’re feeling? Is it even possible to violate someone without realizing that you’re doing so? WTF do I do if I violated him that night without realizing?