I’m (33F) and I’ve somehow found myself in two serious relationships where I’ve dated men (35M) and (42M) who asked me to consider marriage at around the 9 month mark and then asked me to leave my home country and relocate to theirs. With both we were dating with the understanding that we wanted to get married within 1-2 years.
Coincidentally, both happened to be working in my country while we dated and were open to staying there, but during the course of the relationship decided they’d like to relocate. Unfortunately, I didn’t speak the language of either country and would have had to learn a new language if I had hope of finding a job (equivalent to the professional well-paying one I currently have)
In both situations, the men were upset and got somewhat verbally aggressive when I brought up the possibility them having to be solely responsible for our housing/life expenses while I settle in to the new country until I am able to find a job at the same level as mine. I was the one who ended both relationships but now I’m really curious about whether I am missing something and being unfair to them.
My stance was that I will always contribute financially if I work (or contribute at home and raise kids etc. if I’m not working) and share everything we make and own together in the future. Again I could be wrong but, my view was that if I’m willing to put myself through the stress of uprooting my whole life, learning a new language, changing my career and leaving my family and support system for a man I am considering being married to, then expecting him to be somewhat understanding and appreciative of this and feeling responsible and willing to step up and support me financially and emotionally, is a reasonable ask? If only to give me the sense of trust, security and protection I think many women want.
This could be untrue, but I’ve always heard that men were somehow naturally wired to step up, help and be the providers etc. but for some reason I’ve really not ever experienced that. Each time I’ve ever suggested a scenario where there is a possibility of me not contributing financially (even if I contribute within the home with raising kids and household chores etc.) I’ve been met with so much contempt and accusations that I’m wondering if I’m just misunderstanding the how men think?
I know all men are different, but I’m not sure anymore what I should be expecting or what some men are expecting from their future partners/wives? Am I doing something wrong or expecting too much or were these guys just an exception? Would love to hear opinions on this.
13 comments
Regardless of finances, asking a partner to move to another country where they don’t speak the language after 9 months of dating is a very big red flag. If anything it’s in your interest to get a job so you wouldn’t be financially dependent on him if the relationship goes bad.
If I just started dating somebody and got a job somewhere I always wanted to live, I might move even if the new job doesn’t completely support my partner. However, if I am in a committed relationship, I would only move if my partner can also be happy in the new place, whatever happiness means for her (able to work comfortably, able to communicate with locals, etc). I think these guys asking you to move without caring about your ability to fit in shows that they made the decision for themselves and not for you. Depending on how far along in the relationship you are answers how selfish the person was
I wouldn’t move to a different city in the same state for someone, let alone another country.
I would never ask anyone to marry me after only 9 months. And I would not ask anyone to relocate to somewhere that they don’t know the language.
But that’s me.
I would also bot accept fully paying for someone to be with me. It’s 50/50. Or is it time to end things.
You’re either unlucky or you were blinded by the excitement of dating foreign men that you didn’t realize how incompatible you were with these men.
If what you posted were exactly what happened, then most people would agree that these men were unreasonable. But my main gripe with posts like this, that redditors tend to forget, is that it’s told from one point of view and one interpretation.
The husband-as-provider family model is less a natural thing and more of a societal thing, and society is slowly changing. There are certainly still many men who want to adhere to that model, but as society moves towards treating women as equals to men, that model begins to look antiquated.
Im not reading all that shit…..if you love someone and are willing to do whatever it takes, then do it. If not, then dont.
With my future wife I’m not expecting her to pay for half of the bills or have a job. I’m comfortable with her working at my business, or being a stay at home mom depending on the stage of our relationship. I’ve picked a career field to where I can have that luxury. I’d cover all the life expenses like vacation, spa days, yoga, cars, food, house, entertainment, and so on.
I’m looking for a traditional woman, so I need to hold up my end of the deal. I want to get married down the line, but it won’t be in one to two years. Marriage is on year four and kids are year five. I’m not rushing to get married. These guys shouldn’t have a problem paying their girlfriends way. If you’re asking her to move to your country where she doesn’t speak the language, it’s only fair to have all of her living expenses paid for.
Yes its reasonable. Maybe stop dating foreigners trying to grab a wife in a foreign country like grabbing a souvenir?
Well if American not sure what they are thinking took my wife about 9 months to get her work permit when she moved here
I tried to get my ex to move to me, but in the end it didn’t work. Though our arrangement was different – we agreed that I’ll help her with all the paperwork that’s needed to get a visa, but finding a suitable job before moving would be her problem, not mine.
I mean, if I moved to another country for someone I’d probably need some additional support. Doesn’t necessarily have to be monetary, but I’d like to be able to live with my partner while I find work and not be stuck on the street… plus, how is the job situation supposed to go? What are my legal privileges? What will it take to adjust to life in a new place? There is a lot to consider.
I mean, do most men want to be the sole provider for a house full of dependants? I certainly don’t. But at the same time, this is a situation that requires careful planning and preparation. I wouldn’t just marry someone and be like, “Congrats you live in America now, figure it out, I expect you to make x income by tomorrow.” That’s just setting the situation up for failure.
Personally, It’d be nice if I could move in and feel like I have a space in their house, I’d want to know how my visa works (am I even legally allowed to work in said county), I’d also expect to be added to their health plan. That’s pretty normal for a married couple. You’re going through a big period of change and you’ll need support and health services. Oh, and it’d be nice if my partner introduced me to their social circle so I could leverage that for a job opportunity. Because otherwise I know no one and I’d have to start from scratch with limited knowledge about the area.
I met my wife overseas when we were 19. We got married 4 years later. When I brought her to the US, I took care of the finances. My wife has worked part time after the kids went to school and didn’t work during the covid pandemic. I feel responsible as its not her native language and she sacrificed family and friends to be with me. I even send money to her parents every now and then as a few bucks goes a long way.