I lost my closest friends and it makes me feel like shit every single day

I’ve never written any post on reddit , I used to always read those stories about sad people trying to feel better by sharing their stories online and thought it was cringe , until I started spiraling in and out of depression for the last 5 months because I lost all of my friends group and now I want to share my story with you in order to have some insights on my situation.

I’ve had this childhood friend with whom I shared all of my pre-teen experiences : Playing video games until dawn , sleepovers , making a mess in class together. However we took different paths when we were 15 and we kind of stopped talking even though we saw each others everyday.

When we got to college we started talking again and we got our old friendship back and it felt so natural being close again. Nevertheless , we shared a bad addiction : weed and as you know friendships get stronger around addictions.

Then we started forming a group with some of his friends and the friends of his friends , I was kind of the outsider and they used to kind of make fun of me but not in a mean way ; it was just the groups dynamic and even tho it irritated me I now think it was their way of showing affection.

All of us study in different countries now but we used to do phone calls everyday. The problem is I’m not really a phone call/FaceTime guy so some days I didn’t answer and they constantly blamed me for it thinking I was ignoring them.

I got into multiple depressions for multiple reasons : heartbreaks , family problems , confidence issues and other stuffs but only my closest friend knew about it and until December he always stood by my side.

Everything changed last November when we went to a trip and I did some stupid stuff in front of our friends and some people we know , We got into a fight and I got slammed , lost my phone and wallet , got mugged , got drunked and spilled my affection for a girl I used to talk to while talking shit about her boyfriend

After this trip I was done with life because I felt humiliated so I stopped answering to the group calls and denied every form of contact with anyone.

I then decided to stop smoking weed and to focus on my studies and life.

The problem is my childhood friend started taking his distances when I stopped answering phone calls and when I finally got out of this phase and started calling him again he seemed distant at first.

When we got back to our country he didn’t reach out to me and he wouldn’t answer my calls so I stopped calling him or messaging him hoping he would.

It’s now been 4 months we didn’t speak to one another and he deleted me from snapchat but his other best friend kept me in his private story.

I feel like all of them have something against me as we didn’t speak for months but I didn’t try reaching them either.

At first it didn’t bother me because I was so focused on getting my life back in order but since 2/3 weeks I’ve been obsessing over this because I feel left out and alone (even though I still have my other best friend). The others friends of the group also stopped talking to me.

To tell you how much it affects me , every night I do weird dreams where were friends again and everything is back in order.

I feel kind of guilty for not answering his calls and maybe making him feel like he didn’t matter but he knows I push people out when I’m depressed.

I really miss him a lot but I feel like our relationship broke and even if I reach out to him he would push me out or slander me ( I’ve seen him ghost people when we were friends and he used to talk bad about them when they came back)

I never write anything on social medias/blogs but this time I feel really bad and it’s kind of my way to acknowledge it ; please help me and give me some counsel on what I should do because I never felt so bad in my life.