[33M] My girlfriend [35F] and I have been dating for a year and she just told me she’s had genital herpes the whole time

27 comments

1. She told you when she needed to. I’d you feel the trust is broken, you’re free to leave.

2. >We had never had the STD talk which is why she said she had never brought it up before and the fact that she was scared of what I might think. She also mentioned that she didn’t plan to tell future partners that she had the virus unless asked.

   fuck her, and not literally..and then **always** have that conversation, before you even start to put the tip in.

   >I guess I had made the wrong assumption that a long term partner would tell me if there was anything wrong as that is just what I would do.

   I guess you just learned a real tough lesson. Fortunately you did not learn it the hard way..Dont assume anything about others cuz most people will say and do anything to avoid telling others their ‘secrets’, even though those secrets can directly effect people…once again fuck her. how you handle it? thats up to you but what she did is not a good indication of a healthy relationship. She could have a kid, hiv, prior conviction for spousal murder, Pedophile charge and who knows what. Why would she tell you, unless you ask? Dude really think about the implications of someone who won’t tell you things, that will effect you, just because they are afraid of your reaction(which is they are afraid you will leave or not even start with them)..

3. thanks for sharing the story.

   you don’t have a question so i guess you are just sharing.

4. >Overall I realize that herpes isn’t that bad

   The common cold isn’t that bad but I’d still be pissed if someone was like “well you didn’t ask if I was sick so I thought it was fine to come over and make out with you”. And obviously something that will stick with you for the rest of your life is a lot more serious than that. It absolutely is a major breach of trust, it’s selfish, and shows a lack of respect for you and your right to make your own choice here.

5. Those are 2 of the most selfish reasons. One reason was literally because you might not want to take the risk and become infected by having an intimate relationship with her. Outbreaks are painful af, that’s maybe why she’s being honest now, she’s probably aware you’d find the meds or see it or see her trying to comfort herself. My honest advice. Don’t do it, don’t stay with this girl. If she isn’t the kinda person to care about your health and puts her feelings above physical harm to you and who knows how many others she’s done this to, how you gonna trust her about anything that really matters? You won’t, she’s not a caring person in that respect, not saying she’s bad, just not honest and trustworthy, 2 huge components of relationships. It’s up to you, but it’s contract-breaking stuff here. Not having herpes (it’s more common than you think), that’s doable, plenty of people have healthy sex lives with it, but it’s the deception and reasoning behind the deception. That’s what’s your real problem. Good luck, I’m sorry people suck.

6. Well, it sucks that this is where you’re at, but here you are.

   Your girlfriend should have told you before having sex but you also should have taken responsibility for your own sexual health, by having a conversation about STIs before having sex with her for the first time. By failing to do that you really signalled that it was not an important topic to you.

   I’m assuming that you haven’t been tested for STIs recently, if you have never had a conversation with her about them. Have you ever been tested? Do you *know* that you are negative for all the common STIs that are tested for during routine testing?

   Have you had other sexual partners in the past? Did you talk about STIs with them? Did you and your past partners get tested?

   Do you *know* if you were negative for herpes before you met your girlfriend? It’s not part of routine STI testing, so you could be positive and not know if you’ve never have symptoms.

   Have you ever had cold sores around your mouth? Oral cold sores (herpes)are usually caused by HSV1, and genital herpes has typically been HSV2, but because oral sex is common, so is HSV1 around the genitals (up to 50% of cases). Do you know if your GF’s genital herpes is HSV1 or 2? 80% of people will get HSV1, about 20% of people will get HSV2. If you’ve had multiple sexual partners in the past it’s statistically guaranteed that you’ve had sex with other people who have herpes and either didn’t know or didn’t tell you.

   I don’t know what you should do about your relationship. Maybe this is a breach of trust that you can’t get over, or maybe you can look at this as a situation where you both fucked up and your otherwise-great relationship can be fixed by learning to communicate and talk about the things that actually matter to you. She should have told you but she’s been taking steps to prevent transmission so it’s clear that she cares about not transmitting it.

   If you do decide to end this then just make sure that you take responsibility for your own sexual health next time you get into a sexual relationship. If you’re mature enough to be sexually active you should be mature enough to get tested and talk about it.

7. Get tested. Think about how you are feeling in the waiting room before the test. Your probably got it. This is a dealbreaker.

8. You always have to disclose stds and if you don’t you’re a freaking scumbag, so please throw her in the trash where she belongs.

9. Red flags all around. This is something that should have been disclosed BEFORE you had sex with her, whether condoms were employed or not. She violated your bodily autonomy and stole your ability to decline sex with her based on the knowledge she has a disease that’s incurable, and transmitted via sex!
   Break up with her immediately.

10. I would really hate my partner if they lied by omission about an STD (no matter what kind) and I would break up with them.

11. Not certain where you are, but I’m pretty sure her explosing people without their knowledge is not legal. Like if she knowingly passes it to another.

    Idk. This is a huge ‘omission’ to make.

12. What else is she not telling you?? She is very toxic!!

13. What else could she be lying about because you “didn’t ask”?

14. In Canada it’s considered sexual assault if you have sex with someone without disclosing you have a sexually transmitted disease.

15. Key life lessons

    1) This is on her. She betrayed you, and took away your agency with regards to sexual health decisions

    2) Always have the STI conversation

    3) Trust test results, not people’s words.

16. This would be an instant deal breaker for me. She concealed something she knew could affect you. She took away your choice, too.

    I would not be able to trust after that.

    Definitely get tested.

17. Did you get tested? You must. Leave her, she’s not honest.

18. A person worthy of being a long term partner would tell you. Up front. Lies and deceit are never a good basis for a relationship.

19. My ex gave me HSV1. I was completely monogamous during our marriage …. Guess who wasn’t?! That being said I have told the 2 men I dated about my lovely condition. The first guy freaked out. Oh well. Second guy didn’t care. I have only had the one outbreak but was still honest. You never know.
    This is a huge red flag!!

20. Not disclosing is so unethical. Those of us who disclose have zero respect for those who don’t.

    Do you really want to date someone who doesn’t respect or protect you?

21. Reddit is apparently full of a bunch of people who have zero experience with herpes.

    Listen to me OP. Herpes is the ONE std you never have to tell anyone you have ever!!

    Here is why:

    It’s not recommended to test for it. They don’t generally test for it — you can go get a regular 6-panel std test and it can come back clean even if you have herpes. This is for several reasons: it can take three months for herpes to show up on a test, and it can be spread orally and with a condom. So unless you are only sexually active with one person every three months, and are also getting tested for herpes every three months, you can not know for sure if you have it or not.

    It’s not recommended to tell a partner about it. And it certainly isn’t recommended to tell a potential partner about it. The fact your partner chose to tell you this means she trusts you and loves you.

    1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have herpes, but 80% don’t even know they have it. It is easily mistaken for acne or milia. Herpes medicine is cheap. You can take it even if you don’t have herpes if you want to be preventative.

    Herpes is not a big deal beyond the psychological damage of learning you have it and telling a partner about it. In fact, the psychological damage behind it is so much more worse than herpes itself, that is why doctors and psychologists literally recommend to not tell your partner about it.

    Do NOT listen to all the inexperienced Redditors on here saying she breached your trust.

    https://medium.com/@ellenbeale/i-have-herpes-and-i-dont-think-i-need-to-tell-people-1ca71ac7c0e

22. She actively lied to you for a year. Every minute, every hour, every second of your time together, she has lied to you. She made an active decision to *choose* to lie to you. That is a huge betrayal imo. It also is very telling on how she handles issues. She would rather lie to your face and risk your sexual health than deal with being uncomfortable and telling the truth. She will likely handle any confrontation similarly. She also violated your consent. She is selfish. She wanted to “keep” you and Iying was gonna do the trick, then she would do it. Absolutely disgusting human.

23. Man, I really dislike people like her. She busy thinking about herself, like if I had a sickness I would tell other people like hey I’m not feeling well don’t come near me. But bro she violated u, I cannot believe how this can be normal to her, it isn’t, this invasive. She wasn’t being honest, idc if someone asked or doesn’t ask this is something one has a responsibility to disclose at the beginning of a relationship, this is ur health and she may have gambled with it. I see u are getting tested and props to you, but honestly, she isn’t right, I would seriously reconsider this whole thing.

    As someone mentioned, what else is she hiding because “you didn’t ask” 🙄

24. This is a HUGE deal breaker for me. This to me is taking away the idea of consent and a very significant violation.

    I may choose to be with someone who has an STI but that should be my choice.

25. Would you freak out if she had oral herpes?

26. She gave you the gift that keeps on giving.

27. No, she didn’t do everything to keep you safe and you know that. She withheld information that put your sexual health at risk. That was a selfish choice. Nothing more.