In most social gatherings I’m mostly quiet and listen to the conversation. If I have something to say about that, I may say a sentence or two, maybe even a question. If I see an opportunity for a transition to a topic I’ll enjoy I’ll take it and maybe be a bit more active in the conversation.

Waiting for opportunities is reactive and I’d like to be more proactive, but I find this extremely difficult, especially with people I don’t already have a connection with. Tonight in about 10 hours I’ll go to a party to celebrate the end of the semester. I heard from some people I know that they won’t come, but I don’t want to chicken out again.

Sitting quietly somewhere again is not an option this time. How can I make this a successful event?

14 comments

  1. You need to find out what is blocking you from the inside. If you can resolve this you don’t need to fight against is anymore and it will feel more natural 🙂

  2. I’m like that in work and even with family groups. I listen 99% of time, and only talk if a question is directed towards me. Weirdly people in meetings in general keep on talking as if I’m non existent in the room with them, to the point of talking about work or personal secrets they wouldn’t have told me otherwise. It’s as if they are treating me as a kid who will just listen and never understand so won’t tell anyone.

    I was annoyed at this first but then started to find it amusing how I can know everything without even trying. Nowadays though, I mostly run away from these meetings and just stay alone for the majority of my time.

  3. Whenever there’s an opening, ask, “So how’s the weather?” And that’ll keep the conversation flowing.

  4. you’re zoned out prolly coz you have a lot of other things going on in your head. before entering in a social gathering, empty your mind completely. and keep your eyes and ears open.
    and if it’s fear that’s holding you back, deal with it, and say whatever you want.

  5. That is exactly my problem right now. Personally, I have a really hard time talking in groups of 6+ people (not because I’m anxious but I just can’t find the correct timing to slip in and chat), so I go and chat in groups of 3~4 people. 2 people is good too.

  7. I’ve observed that the people who thrive the most in group conversations are those who are:

    – Loud

    Or

    – Very expressive and/or opinionated

    Loud people naturally command attention when they speak. And people love listening to expressive/opinionated people. They come across as genuine and usually have interesting takes on subjects. They care deeply about what they talk about and you can hear their passion as they speak.

  8. People loooove to be listened. In a party context you can approach someone and ask a couple of silly questions like “nice shirt, where did u get it?” or “what do you do?” and they will start speaking and speaking. You can just follow with some comments or questions about what they just said and at some point either you will be engaged in the conversation OR you will realise this person is making you bored and you should move on to someone else (excuse yourself with something like “omg sorry i really need to go to the toilet! see u around!!”).

    For any other context I would rethink your self-perception, why do you think you’re “reactive” instead of “a good empathetic listener”? That’s probably how people feel about someone like you (at least from what you described). There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. Again, people love to be listened.

  9. In your own view, how much do you have to *contribute* to the conversation? Your perspective is valuable to others because it’s different! If you can increase your confidence in this way, it will be easier to chime in 🙂

  10. I got there and found some people I know, feeling good so far 🙂

    Edit 1: won playing some games, met some people, feeling pretty great

    Edit 2:
    I was more social than usual than usual the past few days, but was mostly disappointed in how it turned out. This was a full success! Since I read quite a few replies of people who related to this post, I just want you to know that you should just commit to something once in a while. Alcohol certainly helped the words to come out of my mouth.

    I met more new people than I even realised in the moment. The two people I knew at the start left an hour or so later. Some people from higher semesters I saw before, I now know better. It’s amazing how quick and easy it is to build rapport with people you don’t know but have something in common, like writing the same exam and knowing the same professors. I didn’t expect that to make it easier but it certainly did. At the end I was just idle sitting at a table. Then I noticed someone I talked to before sitting alone on a couch. Talking to him 1 on 1 was certainly a better end of the event than listening to other people’s conversations.

    I appreciate all the comments in this thread and maybe this and new comments might help others who might have a similar event coming up.

  13. My problems are the opposite, I trample all over everyone else trying to speak. Wish we could split the difference and each get regular speaking skills LOL

  14. I’m somewhat like you as you describe yourself, so all I can tell you is that my “proactive” moments surface when I meet someone similar to myself. I generally adapt (and keep my mouth shut), but when people don’t really talk I try to develop my own small talk skills 🙂

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