My wife and I went thru a rough patch about 7 months ago (no infidelity) and have been going to marriage counseling since. Things have been improving greatly, except we took a break from intimacy – until 2 nights ago.
I’ve been on Zoloft and I think the pressure of the situation added to this, but she finally said she was ready to have sex. Well, we did and things started off well, but then…I lost it. She tried to get him back but I think the pressure of the situation just got to me. She said it was ok but…
I inadvertently saw a message to one of her friends saying she “wasn’t feeling it” and “was one of the worst experiences of her life”. She said she felt bad and didn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know I saw the message. She tells me we will try again but after talking to her today she says she is still having trouble getting her feelings back still.
We have therapy again this week and we’ll bring it up. But I’m losing hope.
17 comments
While understanding this is difficult for you, stick with the therapy. Take the time you need to reflect and be able to articulate what’s going on with you and use that to engage in therapy as well as you possibly can.
Things won’t just magically switch on again and be perfect, you have to work at it and that will take space for both you and your wife to decompress, process and see what happens.
Maybe you’re not ready to resume intimacy, maybe that’s how your wife felt on the day but she’s since had a chance to think things through more, or maybe the relationship has run its course. But how would anyone here (as some random person responding to a few short paragraphs) be in a position to offer better perspective than a therapist.
Kind of weird sharing intimate details with a friend as it will make thing’s definitely awkward for you and her friend. Keep on with the counseling. I think you need to go on a date night and get a hotel room with just you and her. You both have gone through a lot according to your prior posts. You may also want to consider a weekend marriage retreat as well.
Really consider whether YOU would be better off divorced.
Don’t do the “pick me” dance.
Info: how did you come across her texts?
Are you upset she shared this experience with her friend? Or are you upset that she didn’t enjoy it?
If it’s the second, well… I’m sure it didn’t go great for you either. “It’s OK” means she’s not holding it against you and she doesn’t want you to feel badly or discouraged. But, I doubt either of you got the feeling of restored intimacy, connectedness, and pleasure you would describe as “great sex”.
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Yeah it sounds as if your marriage is headin towards divorce or she will have an affair or two.
She had a bad experience. Without specific details of the situation, you should simply take the loss and suck up the ego hurt. You want to get better? Acknowledge that bad sex happened. Forgive yourself. Make the next experience better. The bigger concern is you’ve created an environment where she can’t be honest with you because she wants to protect your ego. It sucks to hear but you have to toughen up.
Take some viagra too for the performance anxiety.
Uh… when you lost your boner did you just stop? If so, that’s pretty selfish. You still have a tongue, fingers, toys. I can see why she is disappointed. If you want to rekindle your sex life, talk to your counselor about sex other than PIV. Make sure your wife enjoys every session.
Yeah the fact that she’s telling her friend that you lost your boner and she said it was one of the worst experiences of her life would probably seal the deal for me. If I had thought there was a chance for reconciliation and then found out she was bad mouthing me like that to her friends, I wouldn’t have any desire to move past it.
I think you should tell her you saw the message. That’s a really fucked up thing for her to do and if you just bury it and act like it never happened, it’s going to breed resentment and this relationship will end later rather than sooner.
I don’t know if anyone has brought it up, but anti-depressants have been known to cause issues in the boner department for guys. You might want to mention this to the prescribing doctor and discuss your options.
It’s time to cialis in wonderland.
Quite a few brands of anti-depressants are widely known to cause sexual dysfunction in both sexes. Just very recently, my partner re-started on his meds (Lexapro) after forgetting to take them for a week. After restarting the meds, he either couldn’t get it up at all, or could but couldn’t stay that way for long. It was really frustrating for him as someone whose sex drive is normally high. But it only lasted about a week and we got through it.
Is your wife aware of the effects of your medication? From your post it doesn’t seem like she does if she needed to vent to a friend afterwards. She may have felt like it was her fault, or you just weren’t into it/her, etc. and is feeling insecure. Her knowing your medication may be interfering with your sexual performance could improve things.
Definately bring it up in therapy, and ask why she is sharing such intimate details of your life as you try and reconnect.
that he telling her friends will affect how you are seen/treated when you are around them and how she would feel if you shared intimate details with your friends.
I find it startling how many people apparently don’t have friends that they can speak to about sensitive topics. How lonely it must be to be in a situation with your spouse like this and feel like you can’t turn to anyone to talk to.
Bro we went nearly a year without because of antidepressants and taking time to heal postpartum and like a lot long to be back to *GOOD* you can’t pet the stress hurt you like this things take time and have to run the coarse there are alternatives for insuring both partners get what they need even when sex isn’t on the table but you need to talk to her about it not reddit.
Be strong bro, it’s tough but you can do it 🫂
Maybe see a psychiatrist and see if there is a medication that would be better for you.