I recently broke off a 8 month relationship, and while it may not seem like a long time, we had decided that we were going to be settling down with each other (24 M).
In the beginning of the relationship, it was the best—he complimented me, was eager to see me, planned dates, and most importantly RESPECTED me. But as time went on, he grew colder and less affectionate; and then the disrespect began.
Over the last three months, I’ve been cursed at, yelled at, lied to, and gaslit. I am never the problem, and he is ALWAYS the victim. It got to a point where he messaged his ex just to spite me. Whenever we fight, he always threatens to leave, says “he’s done”, and gives me the silent treatment for 1-7 days. My breaking point was Friday night when he tried to control my actions and talked down upon me after he said he was working on it. After leaving him, he said he had nothing to live for and that I gave up on us (even though he told me that I should call it quits..)
It sucks because we have had genuine, good times where I’ve felt loved and SO happy. But within the next few days, an issue arises. I would love to hear your advice for breaking contact with someone who you are emotionally dependent on. He was my best friend and I feel so alone right now. Thanks.
tl;dr : Need advice or suggestions on healing from a relationship where I was constantly hurting yet emotionally dependent.
1 comment
This is a good example of abusers who hide their true nature. Most of the time, they’ll reveal themselves between the three months to six months mark. They can often hide for longer if you don’t live together.
I mentioned it to give you a heads up, I’ve also been in a similar situation. It’s a painful learning experience no one wants, but if you know the signs then you can avoid it better in the future.
I recommend reading some books or articles on psychology specifically in abusive relationships, as that can help a lot. (Seeing a therapist is also a great idea to help you grow and recover post-breakup.
Some keywords to search are “honeymoon cycle” of abuse and “boundary testing” behavior.
Abusers will very often show more subtle signs earlier and knowing what they are helps getting out before it’s too serious.
Here’s a brief overview, but definitely do additional reading!
Honeymoon Cycle:
Abusers will often do awful things, then love bomb you, apologize in a very genuine way, be good for a while, and then start abusive behavior again.
Boundary Testing:
Basically, abusers know that being awful too soon will make people leave. So they are usually careful to a degree.
First, they generally pick someone who has some sort of social weakness– been abused before, low self-esteem, social anxiety etc.
Next, they’ll start good behavior, but do a little thing that’s bad to see how you react. They get you used to that little thing, and will do it more often, and then move on to slightly worse things etc. Basically the boil a frog method.
My other advice is just make sure you have zero contact with him. Cut out mutual friends if they won’t stop mentioning him to you or invite you both to events.
You can’t heal with the knife still in your back, and you really do need time and distance to heal.