I have never posted anything here before, so I hope I’m following the rules correctly. We have been together for 3 years. My original plan was to start working in the US and have a family with my boyfriend. I don’t know what I want anymore, as he cheated on me last fall and I just can’t forget about it.
He had friends over at our place and I wanted my own space so I spent the weekend at a hotel. They had brought girls here on Saturday night, he was extremely drunk and tried to hook up with one of them. I should mention that he asked me to come home instead of going to the hotel but I wanted some me-time, so he didn’t plan on cheating. He and none of his friends told me, but I sensed it as he had made the bed, light up a candle and opened the window when I came back on Sunday morning. I then did some digging, texted the girl and she told me what had happened. Even though they didn’t have sex, he had wanted it. After I confronted him and started packing my stuff, his family got involved and we decided to stay together. Everyone was surprised as he had told them that he wants to marry me and he brings me to every family function, we spend time and travel together all the time and he even came to my home country to meet my family and friends. He canceled all his boys’ trips and has clearly improved, but something is still bothering me.
Two years ago he was emotionally involved with his colleague, and even though I don’t think anything physical happened, I know they had talked in a flirty way and she even sent him nudes. I think this is what the problem is; he likes getting attention and validation. He is very insecure about his appearance and there have been multiple occasions where random people and even people we know have come to us and said that I’m way out of his league. I don’t see this, as to me he is so handsome and commenting on someone’s appearance doesn’t fit in my culture. That said, giving compliments based on appearance is rare in my country, and I know he craves for them so I have improved in this since the event.
My extreme independence might also scare him, as growing up in the Nordics and having lived in three countries alone has made me feel that I don’t really need anybody. I have never felt the need to ask him where he is and what he is doing, and when he is on trips I enjoy my own time and prefer not to text. I understand that he wants to be needed and perhaps I haven’t made him feel important. On that night, me going to the hotel alone must have made him feel insecure. I wouldn’t be surprised if his buddies were making comments about it and he started doubting my faithfulness. I also know that women were all over him before we met and he told me he changed a lot when he met me. Whatever the reason for his cheating, I don’t know what to think. Now I’m starting to think that this was not the first time, and maybe he cheated on me when I was in Europe for a couple of months two years ago.
I simply don’t want to be in a position where my husband is having sex with the secretary when I’m at home taking care of the kids, but I’d hate to throw away everything we have built together. Is it possible for people to change? If someone cheats because of insecurities, is it possible to make them feel more confident about themselves and change their ways? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is it possible to have a good relationship and full trust after this?
I haven’t talked to people because I don’t want to ruin our relationship and reputation. I just need help to make a decision and move on so that I don’t have to think what might have happened and what may happen in the future.
27 comments
I’m sure you feel like you don’t want to give up on something you’ve invested so much time in however I can tell you, you really can’t trust this guy and he doesn’t deserve any more of your time, get away when you still can
He betrayed you. He’ll probably do it again. Don’t be blinded by the sink cost fallacy.
If you think its his insecurities, that is something that can be worked on he can see a therapist. Make that a condition of staying in the relationship if you want. That will tell you how much he is willing to work at it.
You are too good for him. Your BF has shown he cannot be trusted.
He is too insecure for you, it won’t improve with time. He lost your trust, also, and you can’t get that back. The only way it would work is if you became much less independent, so changed yourself completely and gave up your strength, so that he felt he had power over you. Is that what you want?
Don’t let the 2 years you’ve built keep you from having a happy life from here on out. Break ups are always hard, even when someone betrays you like he has. And while yeah sure, most people want to feel needed and such, it’s not an excuse for cheating. His cheating is about his character, not about you or the relationship. Those are just excuses. Break up, heal up, and find someone better when you’re ready.
He’s done this twice, as far as you know. Why wouldn’t he do it again? And why would his family stop you from leaving, what I mean is why did you even listen to them? Anyway, I don’t believe he’ll not do it again. My 2 cents. Good luck.
I’m (27) and I can say that if my partner cheated on me.. I don’t think I would be able to move past it. No matter how much they improved, it would always be a looming possibility. And it sounds like he’s shown you similar behavior before.
You sound strong willed and able to provide for yourself. Travel, find the next spot to grow. I believe you’ll find someone who reflects more of your personality than your current partner does or cares to appreciate.
‘Has anyone been in a similar situation before?’ oh darling, yes.
If you want to forgive him that’s your decision but just know that the hurt of his cheating will not go away. You have to ask yourself whether you want to live like how you described and if not get out now.
My mum thought her life was over when she divorced her first husband but within 2 years she was back in a serious relationship after taking some time off and having a blast. Now she’s got 2 kids and a faithful husband (that we know of lol.)
My advice is don’t listen to advice, ask you what you want to do, don’t base your decisions off other situations. Have a serious think about your life because no matter how long you make this reddit post, we won’t know your life better than you do.
You are a 28yo woman, stop acting like a 28yo doormat
Please do not marry this person!!
He isn’t trustworthy!
Leave him, if you haven’t already done so.
I can’t believe you left a Nordic country to live in America for a guy like that. He is not worth it!
If you stay, you really can’t be upset if he cheats again. He’s already done it (at least) twice. And history shows he will do it again.
He has shown you over and over who he is. Are you going to see?
You’re worth way more than that.
The only thing you have built with this guy is the lack of trust and infidelity. Once a cheater always a cheater.
You gotta cut your losses and just go home. You’re not throwing anything away, you’re making decisions for a better future for yourself.
OP, you seem to be looking for the validation that this relationship has issues that are big red flags.
I try to give alternatives to whatever the popular advice is just so it doesn’t feel like such an echo chamber. I agree with most of the other posters that continuing this relationship has significant risk. If you were my bestie I’d be saying that this one should be a pass.
All that being said. Couples therapy can help open lines of communication and can teach people how to communicate respectfully.
Using “I feel” statements can help you communicate without blame. It feels more as an us against the problem and less me vs you. How it works: “when you (action) I feel (your reaction)”
Example “when you were unfaithful, I felt like I would never be enough to satisfy your ego. I feel like when I’m not around to pay attention to you, I might as well not exist.”
I also like to recommend “crucial conversations” for everyone. It is a great book that helps to isolate the elements that cause communication to break down.
As I said before, I think you already want out and I tend to say go with your gut.
Good luck.
You are totally going to end up with a guy who fucks his secretary when you are at home with the kids. He sounds sketchy. Find yourself someone who you dont have to second guess. Ten bucks says he has already cheated.
He will always cheat. Better to get out now with just a few years spent than further down the track with more time and commitment. Take this as a life lesson and throw the whole damn man out.
So you’re together one year, he cheats (at least via text, possibly physically), you give him another chance. Then 2 years later, he tries to physically cheat. If you give him another chance now, how would you feel if he actually manages to cheat 4 years from now?
I’m sorry for what you are living but what I feel is that you don’t share same values. It will be difficult for the long time to be in the same page. Then he is not trustworthy at all. One random day in a party and he cheats????
Stop blaming yourself and justifying what he has done. In a way this is very endearing, but also very worrying. You have done nothing wrong at all, he should be loyal to you full stop. There is nothing more to this, it is the basis of any relationship. To me you say he is a great guy, but he isn’t, you know this because of his actions. A great guy would think about your feelings, and if he had low self esteem he would not do anything to lower yours. This incidentally doesn’t make sense. If he has low self esteem, and feels you are out of his league, he would not cheat at all. Why would a guy cheat on his hot gf?
I think you like the set up that you have in the US, the lifestyle, his family and friends, but not him completely. Leave. His cheating will continue, especially as you have already accepted it previously.
Sorry, just remember you will find the happiness that you deserve.
Nordic girl here in Mexico. Have had/am in the same situation. He has cheated and confessed to it. He also did it for validation and just because. Lived in other countries too and had fun experiences together and been very happy.
I’m flying back home to my family next week and starting over. Been with him for 8 years. I was very stuck in the sunk cost fallacy and have been feeling very insecure in the relationship. For good reason I see now. But I’ve grown a lot in the last year and come to the same realization that you have had all along.
I don’t need him and I don’t need the effing headache, of worrying about what he does at the office or when i visit my family. I’m happy and self fulfilled on my own and you don’t sound like someone who needs other people to make you happy. But please don’t waste your time. I’m 5 years into the future of where you are right now. It’s not worth it.
Even if they didn’t have sex, he cheated. He would have had sex with her if the she was willing. His insecurities are his problem, not yours. He cheated on you last fall, he cheated on you in the last week. Why? Because you wanted some space and went to a hotel. He’s no longer trustworthy. Cut your losses and don’t waste any more time on him and his insecurities. He will do this to every partner he has until he deals with his insecurities. If you stay, it will be you, again.
You are still young. There are so many handsome, thoughtful, trustworthy men that your bf is just a blip. You shouldn’t have to keep reassuring him of your love and commitment. Good luck.
I’m playing amateur therapist here so grain of salt but this guy’s ego sounds very frail. Him trying to get with that girl after you turned down coming home (which was your right) was pure spite. Making himself feel better for a perceived inadequacy.
Unless you are a troll judging by his friends’ comments he has hooked someone he feels inferior to, and is treating you poorly in order to bring you down to his perceived level. Human, but pathetic as he could try to rise to you perceived level instead, which would obviously be more positive.
I can’t insist you dump this creep but I can say you have to call him on this.
He will do this again. Are you going to be the girl that accepts infidelity? Your man was begging someone else for sex? This is also probably the first time he got caught.
>Is it possible for people to change?
Yes, but that person has to want to change.
>If someone cheats because of insecurities, is it possible to make them feel more confident about themselves and change their ways?
No, that’s all on them to fix their issues.
>Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?
Oh of course. And they made the best decisions they could to either stay or go. But you need to decide what’s best for yourself.
>Is it possible to have a good relationship and full trust after this?
A good, even great relationship? Yes.
Full trust? Well, no. You have to rework what trust is. At the best, naivety is gone.
Try this sub:
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity