Hello reddit
I will try and make this story as simple as possible; my (23F) boyfriend (24M) came to me a week back, told me he is struggling with some mental health problems and has been thinking about moving back to his home country. Around this same time I found out my timepoint for moving provinces was moved up, he had already known about this and it wasn’t a dealbreaker for him but the moving country things is a dealbreaker for me and I was honestly emotionally devasted. We decided we would dropdown to a casual dating situation with less long term commitment until we are a little bit more certain of our future.
Last night we were being intimate and going over what protection we were using to which he made a comment “if you get pregnant I would take care of the kid” and “we would have mixed babies”.
And I am not going to lie those comments seriously fucked with my head; for him to go from I might be leaving the country to I will take care of a kid if we had one?
Do I talk to him and set further boundaries or are these signs that I need to consider breaking all contact with him? Thanks very much
Tl;dr guy says he might move countries but brings up kids during intimacy
11 comments
I think it’s fair to tell him that it’s ridiculous to need to downgrade to “casual” and then talk about babies. In the middle of sex. Yeah, he’s having mental health issues alright.
Yeah…I’d cut this off.
Set boundaries. Personally, if I really liked the guy and the whole moving thing was the only problem between us, I’d find it a sweet gesture that he looks that far ahead. However, if it’s early and new, and it was mostly him that said we should dim it down, talk to him about it. Set some boundaries and admit that you found it uncomfortable. People are going to tell you to jump and break it off when something like that isn’t necessary for something small and can be talked about. See how he reacts, and move from there.
Considering he raised this during intimacy, (and I am going to assume, based on your response, that you two have never discussed this before) he can only have one of the following four reasons for saying it.
He either a) has some sort of breeding fetish, and was aroused by what he was saying, b) he is in love in a *very* unhealthy way with you c) he was trying to intimidate/threaten/control/scare/whatever you in the moment, by implying he could get you pregnant whether you wanted it or not and tie you to him despite his move, as you were so vulnerable with him in the moment, or d) his mental health struggles are really impacting him in a lot more ways than he’s let on, and he needs more help than you realised.
Considering you’ve decided to cut back to casual and aren’t likely to entertain option b based on this post, you can only work with option a, if that’s what it is, but only if you are comfortable with it. Some people are happy to lean a bit into others kinks and fetishes, but I would caution you that him bringing it into the bedroom without your consent is alarming behaviour. So really, what I’m saying, is that all of this is concerning, no matter the reason behind it, just in varying degrees of concern. I guess option d you could work with, and help to get him help, but that’s up to you, and no need to do so if you’re that concerned.
Probably a good call to step back for a while, and maybe ask him to let someone he loves know about his mental health struggles, just in case.
I hope he’s not tampering with the condoms in order to baby trap you.
Ppl don’t take soul ties and stuff seriously anymore.
I really would advise ppl to not get with ppl you’re not going to stay with. This is really bad for peoples health in many different ways especially mentally. Plus just sleeping with anybody and Multiple ppl can also affect your mental health. Like some ppl will find ways to get you pregnant or a female will find a way to get pregnant to trap the other person. This then puts the kid in a bad predicament or the kid gets aborted. If someone doesn’t want to marry your they’re not worth being with o dating because they don’t actually like you. Dating is the new scheme used in the world. Ppl will date for 20 years.
There’s a chance he was very sad to think of eventually leaving you and was imagining a future with you and accidentally said that. There’s a chance he’s plotting. Only you know the dude though. Choose wisely.
How about talking to him about it and telling him how you felt by it? Instead of having us tell you how to feel and us tell you what he meant.
Just ask him straight up. ‘Why are you bringing up kids suddenly after we downgraded our relationship status commitment-wise after you brought up that you might be leaving the country?’ His answer will tell you how to feel about it. Maybe some situation was brought up where a couple split up because one moved away and the woman found herself pregnant and never reached out to the guy. And he just had that on his mind when you were together and just felt the need to let you know. Or he wants to baby trap you because he thinks that’s how he is going to get you to move back to his country with him. Something minor, no worries vs. something extreme, run away fast. Or something in the middle that leaves you uncomfortable and you end things naturally. But you won’t know unless you ask.
Talking about getting pregnant is part of talking about safer sex. There is a risk of getting pregnant, depending on the anticonception you’re using. Is abortion available where you are? What about the morning after pill? Did he stealth you? What is the risk that you’re pregnant and can you check?
honestly, any opinion you get on this situation is going to be based off of someone else’s relationship experiences and opinions. talk to you partner and ask them directly before making assumptions. ask him hey how come you say this after saying about moving countries? let him know it’s made you feel confused. don’t come at him with a strong assumption and try and raise it nice and maturely in an open conversation. it’s super hard for someone to give advise on this without knowing more about your dynamic and the nature of your relationship. i hope he didn’t have any malicious intentions and that you guys can work through this. best wishes